Mia Zhang
In a scratch-my-back-and-I’ll-scratch-yours world, kindness is often met with doubts.
But whether you believe it or not, they do exist—people who do good for the sake of it.
Even if it won’t earn them fame nor fortune, they always choose to be kind.
So how do you find one whose kindness is without ulterior motives?
The key is paying attention to these 9 subtle behaviors they often display.
1) They get surprised when you pay them back
Give them gifts and favors years later in exchange of what they’ve done for you, and they’d be in shock.
“What? But I gave that to you!”
“Nooo… you don’t owe me anything at all!”
It’s as if they’re even insulted that you think they’re the kind of person who gives to get something in return!
A person who uses kindness to get favors down the road would kinda expect this gesture…and so they’d never look genuinely surprised when it finally happens.
But for people who don’t expect anything back, it’s a genuine shock.
It’s not that they don’t know how to receive, they just never give as a form of “investment.”
2) They look awkward when others praise them for their kindness
They don’t want to be in the spotlight.
Especially if it’s for the traits they think every person should have anyway—like kindness, generosity and patience.
As far as they’re concerned, they didn’t do anything special.
So they can’t help but cringe when people call them on stage for their acts or when people openly express how kind they are in front of other people.
Unlike people who are kind as a form of social capital investment, theirs has no limits nor call for attention.
In fact, they’d sometimes think twice about helping others precisely because of this reason.
Awards? Pictures? A feature in the magazine?
“No, thank you!”
They are happiest helping behind the scenes.
3) They heave a deep sigh when people brag about their generosity
There are people who contribute even just $10 on a project and brag about it on social media.
Then there are those who lent a helping hand once and don’t stop talking about it.
They’re annoying to a regular person, but for people who don’t want to see kindness as a tactic to get to the top? They find it depressing.
Sure, they’ll try to convince themselves that they should be okay with it—that it’s better than not helping at all.
But deep down, it makes them deeply sad when people are kind in a manipulative way.
It’s just not how they operate, and they can’t help but get a bit depressed that people are motivated to be kind by plaques or awards.
4) They help those who have nothing to give in return
They help old people cross the street.
They carry other people’s luggages when they struggle in the metro.
They give food to the homeless.
They feed the neighborhood dog a piece of sausage.
Andddd…they don’t even say anything about it on their socials.
Most people are “smart” with who they extend their “kindness” to.
They select those who actually don’t need much help—but those who can elevate their lives in one way or another.
Fundraising people know these types, the ones who want pictures to humble brag on social media that they are “generous” aka rich.
5) They don’t like talking about themselves
Sure, they might talk to you about the people they once helped…
But they won’t put the focus on their kindness!
Instead, they’d talk about the other person.
They’d probably say something like “An old lady was trying to cross the street this morning. She looked really interesting and we talked for a while…”
“SHE is very insightful. SHE told me about her childhood and how SHE believes the world is a much better place today.”
You see? They’re interested in others more than they’re interested in themselves.
6) They’re sensitive to other people’s suffering
When they see people suffering in the news, they can’t help but get teary-eyed.
They’d go “Oh, they really don’t deserve it.”
And “If only there’s only anything I can do to help!”
And then they actually act on this instinct while others browse and move on.
In real life, they’re highly sensitive and empathetic, too.
If you show even the slightest sign that you’re struggling, they can sense it and ask you if you’re okay.
And even if you say you’re perfectly fine, they’d still give you a cup of coffee or a meme to cheer you up.
People like this are a godsend. They spread love wherever they go and they aren’t even aware of it.
7) They know how to set limitations
Sometimes, the most “generous” people are those who use kindness to get something in return.
After all, they’re already imagining a big return of investment in the near future.
They comfort themselves with the idea that they get back twice what they put in.
On the other hand, the people who are always kind without ulterior motives see kindness as one way.
They give without expecting anything in return.
So they give what they’re genuinely willing to give, and just maybe a bit more.
But you won’t see them bending over backwards doing favors for people who have privilege.
They’re kind, not people-pleasers.
8) They admire people who are compassionate
They’re all about what’s in people’s hearts.
Sure, they’d admire someone’s sense of style and wit.
But you notice that they pay more attention to someone’s character, and they especially highlight people’s kindness.
“I really like Michelle. She knows how to take care of her employees and make them feel valued.”
“Jerome is so understanding. It’s rare to find people like him these days.”
According to psychology, the traits we admire in others are the same traits we aspire to have. And this makes sense!
If they look up to people who are kind and compassionate, you can be sure that they’re always working on having these same traits.
9) They feel like they should give more
People who are naturally kind are selfless.
Sometimes, they care about strangers as much as they care about themselves and their loved ones.
They’re rarely entitled, too.
So they always feel like they should be doing more to help make other people’s lives better.
Do you notice they feel guilty when there’s a crisis? Do they go “I will devote more time to it after this week. I promise.”?
Or “Sorry, I can only give this. I’ll see what I can do.”?
Then they’re probably the kind of person who’s kind without ulterior motives.
Kindness is what’s natural for them and that makes them different from people who see helping others as a burden or duty.
Final thoughts
The bottomline?
People who are genuinely kind are hard to find because they often go to extreme lengths to hide their good deeds.
So if this list doesn’t help you find them, at the very least it will help you distinguish the genuinely kind ones vis-a-vis the clout chasers and the networkers.
