People who act kind but actually aren’t usually display these 8 subtle behaviors

Have you ever met someone who seemed super nice—maybe even a little too nice—only to later wonder if it was all an act? That gut feeling you had might’ve been onto something. 

Not all kindness comes from the heart; some of it is just a carefully crafted illusion.

I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit, and I’ve made it my mission to explore the nuances of human behavior. 

Today, we’ll dissect those tiny but telling behaviors that might signal someone’s kindness isn’t all it seems. Let’s unmask the truth together!

1) They dish out excessive flattery

In the complex world of human interaction, flattery can often serve as a double-edged sword.

People who are genuinely kind tend to compliment others in a sincere and meaningful way. However, those who merely act kind but aren’t, often use excessive flattery as a tool.

These individuals will shower you with compliments, and while it may feel good initially, there’s usually a hidden agenda. They may use flattery to win your trust or to make you more susceptible to their demands.

Excessive and insincere praise is not a sign of kindness, rather it’s an indication of manipulation. So, if someone’s compliments seem too good to be true, they probably are.

2) They only show kindness when they need something

A few years ago, I had a friend who would always show up with a smile on his face and a helping hand, but only when he needed a favor. Whether it was borrowing my car or asking for help with a project, his kindness seemed directly proportional to his needs.

During ordinary days, he was hardly around or even available. But when he needed something, his sudden burst of kindness would appear out of nowhere. His generosity was conditional, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that.

In my mindfulness journey, I’ve learned that true kindness is unconditional. It doesn’t fluctuate based on personal needs or circumstances. Genuine people don’t use kindness as a bargaining chip.

So, be alert to these changes in behavior. They might just reveal the true colors of those around you.

3) They’re only kind on the surface

They might be polite, smile often, and say the right things. But when you need them to show kindness in more substantial ways, they’re nowhere to be found.

Let me give you an example from my own life. I used to work with someone who was always polite and friendly in the office. But when it came down to supporting other team members during tough times or sharing credit for collaborative projects, he would vanish into thin air.

In my book “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I discuss how true kindness involves both words and actions. It’s not just about appearing kind; it’s about being genuinely considerate and supportive.

Pay attention not just to how people present themselves, but also how they act when it truly matters.

4) They use kindness as a weapon

Weaponized kindness is essentially when someone uses acts of kindness with the aim of gaining power or control over another person.

It’s a subtle manipulation technique that can be hard to spot, especially when wrapped in the guise of niceness.

For instance, they might help you with a task, only to later hold it over your head as a favor you owe them. Or they might shower you with compliments and then use your gratitude against you to make you feel obligated to them.

It’s important to remember that true kindness is selfless and doesn’t seek to control or manipulate. Genuinely kind people help others without expecting anything in return.

Strive to be aware of your own potential for kindness, and beware of those who use it as a tool for manipulation rather than a gesture of goodwill.

5) They are excessively kind to everyone

Now, this might sound counter-intuitive. After all, isn’t being kind to everyone a sign of a good person? Well, not necessarily.

People who act kind but actually aren’t, can often be excessively kind to everyone they meet. This can be a red flag because it might indicate that their kindness is not genuine, but rather a tool they use to present themselves in a favorable light.

Being kind to everyone, regardless of their behavior or the context, may suggest that this person doesn’t have clear boundaries or genuine connections. It’s as if they’re playing a role, trying to be liked and accepted by everyone.

True kindness isn’t about pleasing everyone. It’s about being sincere and genuine in your actions, even when it means standing up for what’s right or saying no when necessary.

Aim for authenticity in your kindness and don’t be fooled by those who spread their insincere niceness too thin.

6) They are kind only when others are watching

These individuals are often extra helpful, considerate, and charming when they know others are watching. However, in private or when there’s no one to impress, their kindness tends to evaporate.

This inconsistency may indicate that their kindness is not a genuine part of their character, but rather a performance meant to create a favorable impression. 

True kindness doesn’t depend on who’s watching; it’s consistent and comes from the heart. And neither does it seek applause or recognition; it simply is.

7) They never apologize

Apologizing when we’re wrong is a sign of humility and empathy, traits that are at the heart of genuine kindness. However, you might find that some people who act kindly never actually apologize.

They might be quick to offer help or express sympathy, but when they mess up or hurt others, they dodge responsibility. Instead, they might deflect blame onto others or downplay the situation.

In a recent experience I had, a seemingly kind person I know caused some major inconvenience due to their negligence. Despite the evident distress, they chose to laugh it off rather than apologize. This lack of accountability was a clear indicator that their kindness lacked depth.

An authentic apology requires vulnerability and emotional intelligence. It’s a sign of true kindness and respect for others’ feelings.

8) They are overly critical under the guise of kindness

Criticism, when constructive, can be helpful. However, people who act kind but aren’t might often disguise their criticism as kindness.

They might say hurtful things and then justify it by saying they’re only trying to help or improve you. This is a subtle way of breaking down your self-esteem and asserting control over you.

It’s important to distinguish between constructive feedback and disguised criticism. Constructive feedback is meant to aid growth, not undermine self-confidence.

If someone’s ‘kind’ advice or suggestions often leave you feeling down about yourself, it’s time to question the authenticity of their kindness.

True kindness uplifts others; it doesn’t tear them down under the guise of being helpful.

In conclusion: Unmasking the facade

The subtle behaviors we’ve explored in this article are instrumental in discerning the authenticity of someone’s kindness. True kindness is selfless, consistent, and doesn’t seek anything in return.

In my book “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I delve deeper into the concept of genuine kindness and how to cultivate it within ourselves.

Whether it’s recognizing the weaponization of kindness or seeing through the excessive flattery, developing this awareness can be a powerful tool in navigating our relationships.

As we unmask the facade of false kindness, we not only safeguard ourselves from manipulation but also foster a deeper understanding of human nature.

So let’s continue to learn, grow, and cultivate genuine kindness in our lives.