Why did another guy hurt me?
Why do I always love the bad guys?
Most of us have had at least one failed love story, except of course if you were a princess who met a prince and had a happy life ever after (like a fairy tale).
But we all know that real life is nothing like that. Kate Middleton had 3 failed relationships before she met Prince William. Megan Markle had a failed marriage before she met Prince Harry.
However, we usually ask ourselves the above questions after a bad relationship experience.
Some of us are so desperate we spend lots of money on professional consultants who give directions on how to find the perfect lover.
While the other ones just give up and don’t care because they’ve lost belief in love.
Because of love, because of the lack of confidence in our values, we often immerse ourselves too long in the wrong relationships.
And because we think that we can make them change, we stick at it.
But in the end, what we get is a hit straight to our heart and our self-esteem:
The painful truth that we have to accept is: Love is not a miracle. And nothing is strong enough to change a person except themselves.
Before going to the solutions to avoid your broken heart, we need to know the reasons that would lead you to painful feelings.
The main thing I want to talk about here is there are many of us that are deceiving ourselves to be with the wrong person because “we’re afraid of loneliness”.
So the question now is “Why are we afraid of loneliness?”
There are so many answers for this question.
It could be that you’ve been taught to have a man for your life. Or it could be everyone around you has their partners and you must have one too.
Or it could be a bit silly that you just need to have someone to celebrate on Valentines, Christmas or New Year with.
But whatever the answer, the truth is you’re running away your loneliness.
Then how can you have a healthy and sustainable relationship?
Science says that chemistry and compatibility are the first two factors that decide if two people are right for each other or not. They’re also the key factors for you to choose a suitable partner.
Chemistry is a sexual attraction. It’s when you really want to hug, to kiss, to nestle in his arms.
You love every single touching moment.
Compatibility is the harmony of the soul. It’s when you both share the same value, the objective of life, the happiness and the sadness. The compatibility helps couples to overcome the hard and uncertain times.
Don’t choose the best man. Choose the most suitable man.
Based on your own experiences, even your past wounds to find what you want and don’t want in your partner.
So what should you do?
Follow these 4 steps:
Step 1: Accept the loneliness
If you want to have a healthy and sustainable relationship, you have to accept that you’ll be lonely and it’s completely normal.
So many people put themselves into a relationship that is nothing but suffering just because they’re so afraid of loneliness.
Especially women who are self-deprecating about themselves if they are not loved by someone.
Therefore, instead of suffering in the wrong relationship, let’s use your time alone to discover yourself, find your values and clear your eyes to see what’s important in your life.
If you don’t know how to deal with your loneliness, here are 4 steps that will help you find the meaning in life without a partner.
- Care more about your family:
Yes I know, you’ve heard this before. But the truth is, family keeps you grounded and focused on what’s important.
Caring doesn’t mean you have to provide them with luxury gifts or money. It’s simply making a quick call on the weekend or a message to your Dad asking how life is.
It’s listening to your Mom’s stories of what’s happening in your hometown or updating her about your life.
Your family will bring you back to reality and help you feel calm and centered. Your perspective on life will be colored with optimism and love.
- Try a new interest or hobby:
Get out there and try something new. You don’t have to do something that’s totally out of your comfort zone. It could be something as simple as taking a dancing class or cooking class.
Now is the time. Just do whatever interests you and allows you to experience something new. Once you’ve found something that makes you happy, keep doing it! Focus on yourself and what brings you joy and fulfillment.
- Focus on yourself:
Instead of pushing yourself to hang out with others when you’re not in the mood, use that time for yourself. Go to the hair salon. Paint your nails. Make yourself feel beautiful. Read a new book or watch a movie. Do things that make you feel relaxed and comfortable.
Spending time alone allows you to discover qualities about yourself that you love and some that you’d like to change.
All of them will help you understand that you don’t always need to be around others.
- Spend quality time with your friends
Friends will be with you whether you’re in a relationship or single. They’ll give you much-needed support as you go through life.
So don’t just jump straight into dates with random guys. Spend that time with your friends having coffee and talking or nights out with the girls. Enjoy it! Friends will help you realize true happiness and the person you really are.
Step 2: Respect yourself
Don’t put yourself down in any relationship. We know that love doesn’t last forever if we don’t work on it.
But it doesn’t mean you have to change yourself to please your partner. Whenever you don’t feel truly happy in your relationship, it’s no longer a healthy relationship anymore and it won’t last long.
In fact, one of the essential factors of attraction is feeling confident about yourself. And that can only happen when you respect yourself and you know your values in life.
When you respect yourself, you teach others to do the same.
You’ll also find you’re more attractive to others when you’re happy and confident about yourself.
Because everyone prefers hanging around positive people.
So how can you practice to respect yourself to build your confidence and happiness?
- Know yourself
The more you understand about yourself, the more you’ll see and appreciate how unique you really are, and the more you’ll respect yourself.
Ask yourself a question “Who am I?” and try to answer that question as much as you can. Then you’ll discover your principles, your personality, your strength, and your weaknesses.
But if you don’t know how to find the answers, here are some suggestions for you:
- Make a list of people, things and feelings that you think are important in your life. Then you can realize what you really like and need in your life.
- Try different activities even if they’re the things you’ve never tried or they’re the things you’ve been wanted to try for a long time. Yes, try them all then you’ll find out if you like them or not. It also will help you to find your strength and weakness.
- Take a minute to look back on yourself when you spent time with people who you felt comfortable with and you were not worried about anything else. Look at yourself at that time to see the real person you are. So you’ll know what you will and won’t stand for.
- Forgive yourself and others
Letting go of the past can be difficult, if you want to respect who you are now, you must let go of who you were then.
It means you have to forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve made in the past.
Admit what you did was wrong and apologize to others you might have hurt.
If you’re too hard on yourself and you couldn’t forgive for yourself, you can’t move forward and forgive others who hurt you.
We’re all human and people make mistakes. But it’s the way we learn about life.
- Don’t compare yourself to others
This can cause a lack of self-respect.
You feel bad about yourself when you see people with their partners or they earn more money than you, or they have a perfect face, perfect body and perfect life that you don’t have.
Instead of trying to keep up with everyone, accept yourself. Be comfortable with who you are and learn to accept others.
Be grateful and happy for what you have and be okay with the other parts that are not perfect in your life.
Because no one is perfect.
- Exercise for your body and your mind
Making yourself feel good physically is one of the ultimate ways to respect yourself.
Because your body is your responsibility.
So exercising, eating healthy foods and releasing your stress shows respect to your body.
The healthy body will bring you the healthy mind. As you need to respect your body, you also need to respect your mind.
Challenge yourself with new experiences and information. Don’t stay in your comfort zone.
Step out and try to find new perspectives. Find resources for information and inspiration from the internet, books or website to improve your knowledge.
The more you know, the more you can grow. And all that growth will empower you, making it much easier to respect yourself.
- Build your confidence
Self-respect will be difficult if you’re not happy with who you are, how you look and what you do.
Confidence is not easy to get right away. But you can get it by doing some small things every day.
- Say “thank you” when someone compliments you and take notes at what others like about you.
- Keep doing what you’re good at and passionate about.
- Smiling more and keep positive thinking by giving you the good thoughts about yourself.
Step 3: Analysis of your feelings
If you don’t want to be lonely for the rest of your life, you should define clearly what character you want to have in your partner.
Yes, he doesn’t have to be a prince. But at least make sure he doesn’t have traits that hurt you.
You deserve more than that.
So don’t accept just anyone.
There will be a person who suits you, trust me.
To understand if you like someone, ask these yourself these questions:
- Do you be yourself when you’re with that person? Do you feel safe and feel free to express your thoughts, feelings, and aspirations without fear of being judged or abandoned in front of that person?
- Do you feel respect from him? Does he have any words, actions that make you feel better, more beautiful, worth appreciating? Does he compliment you, enhance your value and encourage you to do what you want? A true mate who cares about you is the motivation for you to improve your self-esteem.
- Do you feel you’re a part of his life? Does he make time for you? Time means text messages every day, an unexpected midnight call, or a quick lunch to see each other’s smiles in a busy and stressful day. All these little things show that you’re in their mind. Choose a person who always lets you take part in their life.
- Do you see a future between you and him? You’re not the girl who is just looking for fun. As I said in the beginning, a healthy and sustainable relationship need not only chemistry but also compatibility. If you couldn’t see both of you are sharing the same value and objective in life, he might be not the right person for you.
But to get the right results, you have to be honest with your feelings. Don’t lie to yourself.
Step 4: Take action on your decisions
After going through 3 steps above, I’m sure that you already have your decision for your future relationship. But that decision is still in your head. And you need to take action on it.
I know it’s definitely hard to make that decision and to do it, especially when you’re in the relationship or even in the long-term relationship.
But everything I’ve been trying to show you in this article is helping you to find the answer for your question “Am I happy?”
I don’t ask you to be irresponsible with your relationship. But at least you know what and where it is now.
You can find a way to work on it. Love is a journey to pursue your happiness in life.
So don’t let any assholes stop you. Avoiding all the toxic relationships right now to help you stay away from the broken heart and have time to find your most suitable man.
For more inspirational articles on mindfulness and self-improvement, like Hack Spirit on Facebook.
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