No contact rule with ex GF: 8 insights into female psychology

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The ‘no-contact rule’ is put in place after couples break up to process the separation.

It means not reaching out to the other person for a window of time.

Maybe it’s a couple of weeks, maybe it’s a couple of months. It might even be for a year!

But what does this rule mean for women? Here are 8 insights into female psychology.

1) She’s wondering if it was the right choice

People spend a lot of time worrying about things and wondering if they’ve made the right decisions.

Chances are, whatever the circumstances were surrounding your breakup, your ex-girlfriend is probably wondering whether it was the right choice.

It doesn’t matter if it was you or her who ended the relationship: she will likely be thinking like this.

Simply put, she’ll likely be talking to her friends and family about her doubts.

Maybe she’s fearing that she fixated on the bad things too much when there was a lot of good too.

She’s possibly replaying scenes in her head and thinking it wasn’t all that bad, even when she highlighted all of this at the final hour.

I say this because this is exactly what I did after my breakup.

You see, during the no-contact time that I asked for, I found myself going over scenes and thinking maybe I just got it wrong.

I started thinking that maybe he was The One, and that the decision I ultimately pushed for was wrong.

Truth is, I fretted a lot.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex finds herself doing the same during this time period.

In my opinion, it’s human nature to doubt and question our decisions.

2) She’ll be feeling a lot of confusion 

As I say, it doesn’t matter who ended the relationship for confusion to arise.

No doubt, you’ll both be feeling a lot of confusion about the recent events and feeling unsure about why things took the shape they did, how to act and what’s next.

Yep, I’ve been there.

This is natural during any time of change.

What’s more, if you and your ex would speak most days and you were used to spending a lot of time around them, it’s going to be strange when they’re suddenly no longer around.

In my experience, it doesn’t matter if you were together for 6 months or 6 years. It’s just as weird either way.

So, chances are that your ex-girlfriend is going through these motions during your no-contact rule.

Maybe she’s having brief windows of confusion and journaling through her feelings, or maybe she’s feeling constantly plagued by these thoughts.

Either way, time and space is necessary so she can process her feelings and release them.

You see, if your goal is to get back together with your ex, you need to show them that you respect them – and their wishes.

In other words, don’t overstep the mark and contact them when you’ve agreed not to. Honor your agreement!

I found a lot more helpful tips in this free video from Brad Browning, the ‘Relationship Geek’.

Truth is, it’s essential to understand psychology and how the female mind works if you really want to approach the situation well and win your ex back.

He teaches a lot of wisdom that will help you navigate your situation and get the outcome you ultimately want.

3) She might be rehashing everything you did wrong

If your ex was the one who called time on the relationship, odds are that she’s justifying her decision for the break-up right now.

She’s probably going over and over all of the things that she didn’t like about you and the relationship.

Sorry to say it, but there’s a high chance that this is true.

In my experience during the no-contact rule with my ex, I even made a list of all the things that were wrong with him. 

This was to ensure I didn’t let rose-tinted glasses cause me to not see the situation clearly.

You see, the mind has a way of playing tricks and causing you to just remember the good stuff… And I wanted to make sure that I was thinking straight and seeing the complete picture.

To remind myself of why I split with my ex boyfriend, I filled up a page of my journal. I wrote:

  • He criticized my belief systems
  • He told me there’s more to life than my work and I shouldn’t speak about it so much 
  • He told me to talk to a therapist when I would just share basic thoughts

In other words, I remembered that he had no time for the things I wanted to talk about and he saw me as an inconvenience at times. 

I know… red flag alert.

Now, it was super important for me to reflect on these aspects of the relationship during the no-contact rule so I could stay and remain clear on my decision.

It allowed me to remember why the relationship wasn’t right for me.

Truth is, it was an important part of the healing process and it meant I was strong in my conviction.

Now, if you truly love your ex, you’ll respect her decision even if that means she’s sure about going forward alone.

If you love something, let it go… 

4) She’ll be grieving the relationship

Grief doesn’t just emerge when someone dies.

It’s part and parcel of the end of a relationship.

Simply put, when someone is suddenly no longer in your life you’re bound to feel like they’re dead.

You see, the relationship is dead when it ceases to exist.

…And what comes after death is a necessary period of mourning to grieve the relationship, let go and move on.

This is what your ex-girlfriend will be thinking during the no-contact rule period.

Chances are, she’ll be thinking about the relationship as something that is now dead as a way to come to terms with the situation.

She’ll be seeing it as a time where she can let herself cry, release, and feel all of the emotions and sadness of breaking up with you.

Maybe she’ll be screaming into pillows, curling up in a ball crying or just breaking down randomly.

She won’t be holding back the tears as she knows they need to flow.

What’s more, she knows that without doing this she’ll not process the situation and stay stuck in feeling sad.

5) She might be blaming herself

Blame is a feeling that tends to emerge after two people split.

Personally, I experienced this after both of my significant breakups… And a lot of that blame was directed my way.

I blamed myself for my part in the relationship and the arguments, and I spent a lot of time feeling bad. 

Simply put, during the no-contact window it gave me a lot of time to get clarity about the ways I ‘messed up’ and how I hurt my ex.

I’m not going to lie, it was a tough time coming to terms with the fact I hurt him a lot.

You see, our arguments would get pretty heated and I’d say hurtful things to him about his character. 

I told him some pretty damaging things.

It wasn’t until I took the time after the breakup to sit with my feelings that I came to realize how much blame I had for myself.

You see, even though we split in a mutual way – coming to an agreement that we wanted different things – I still spent a lot of time thinking about blame and my role in the relationship falling apart.

What’s more, I thought about the things I could have done differently at length.

I replayed scenes and thought about how I could’ve been nicer and more understanding.

In my experience, it was a healthy period of reflection that I couldn’t have done if he’d been popping up and messaging me.

6) She’ll be missing you

Just because your ex wants to have a no-contact rule and be apart right now doesn’t mean she’s forgotten about you.

In fact, it’s more than likely that your ex will be missing you.

You’re probably on her mind more than you expect.

Maybe you’re popping into her mind throughout the day or maybe she’s thinking about you and her for hours on end.

The odds are that there are points at the day that she can’t help but think about you.

Maybe it’s while walking the dog down the same route you two would walk, when a song comes on that you two both liked or when she sits down to eat dinner.

Truth is, there are likely loads of triggers that are causing her to think about you…

…Whether she likes it or not.

Now, what does this mean for you?

If you want your ex to consider giving you another chance, it could be a possibility.

But you need to understand female psychology.

In this free video from Brad Browning, the ‘Relationship Geek’, I learned that the worst thing you can do is to ignore her request for space.

It’s necessary that you show you’ve listened and you can hear what she wants.

You see, it goes beyond this situation and shows that you’re willing to listen to her within the relationship.

So what should you do?

Let her reach out to you when she’s ready, and don’t put any pressure on her.

7) She doesn’t want you to plead with her

As a woman, I can tell you that women don’t find it attractive when someone is begging and pleading for her.

Simply put, it’s not a good look when someone is desperate. 

You’ve probably heard the expression that something can ‘reek of desperation’…

…And this is exactly what will happen if you override the no-contact rule with a message to her.

You see, even if you’re feeling totally desperate to talk to her and it’s the only thing in the world you can think about, don’t plead with her to speak to you.

If she’s told you she doesn’t want to speak, she doesn’t want to speak.

It’s on you to accept what she’s saying and to make peace with the situation.

Truth is, pleading with her isn’t going to change this.

It will just make her not want to speak to you at any point.

Trust me, I can tell you this is what happens for women. It will literally make her roll her eyes and get the ‘ick’.

Truth is, if you respect her request for space and no-contact then there’s a chance she’ll come around and want to get back in touch.

But if you don’t listen during this time, you’ll come off as desperate… And no one wants that.

8) She has a sense of relief

If you two were arguing a lot towards the end of your relationship, your ex is likely feeling a lot of relief right now in the no-contact window.

You see, no one wants to speak each day battling it out with someone to prove they’re right or to defend a point.

When a relationship is like this, it’s absolutely exhausting. 

I know this feeling too well. I would feel both mentally and physically exhausted after so much time fighting one another.

Now, if your relationship was at all like this, chances are she’s feeling a sense of relief that you’re no longer at each other’s throats.

She’s probably feeling like she can breathe a little better following the turmoil.

It’s not to say that she’s feeling on top of the world right now, but she may well be feeling better.

It’s important that you’re also honest with yourself about how the relationship was to allow yourself to move on.

If you truly were two very incompatible and different people – who spent more time arguing and talking about the relationship dynamic – it’s a sign that you two weren’t supposed to be together anyway.

My suggestion is that you take the time to think about what you want from a relationship going forward, but also to think about what you want as a person and to make the most of the no-contact window yourself.

Whatever your situation is with your ex, I wish you all of the luck finding peace and clarity.

After all, it’s what we all deserve!

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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