Minh Tran
I used to believe that if I gave enough to the people around me, I would feel a sense of worthiness.
I thought that the more I bent over backward, the more I’d prove my value.
But every time I prioritized other people’s needs over my own, I felt a piece of myself fade away. After a while, I barely recognized who I was because I was so focused on earning approval from everyone else.
Eventually, I realized I could no longer keep living that way.
I needed to rediscover my center—and honor it.
Let me share what I’ve learned from those years of people-pleasing, and how embracing self-respect has shifted everything for me.
Recognizing the early signs of self-neglect
It started subtly.
I’d say “yes” whenever friends needed a favor, regardless of how depleted I was.
I used to do extra work for colleagues even when I was already stretched thin.
I’d rearrange my schedule and sacrifice my quiet time, thinking it was a small price to pay for their gratitude.
What I didn’t notice was how drained I felt at the end of each day.
When I was alone, there was a lingering emptiness, a dull ache from constantly ignoring my own limits.
For a while, I brushed off these feelings.
I convinced myself it was natural to be tired and that true kindness meant pushing through my discomfort.
Yet my fatigue grew.
My mind and body started sending signals that something wasn’t right: headaches, irritability, a general sense of overwhelm.
When I finally paused to acknowledge these signals, I saw how long I had been running on fumes.
That was my first step toward understanding how easily self-neglect can creep into our lives if we’re not mindful.
Understanding the cost of pleasing everyone
Trying to cater to everyone took a toll on my emotions. I found myself resentful, which felt strange because I was the one agreeing to everything.
Even small requests began to feel heavy.
I wondered why I couldn’t set boundaries or politely decline without guilt.
In one of my mindfulness workshops in Ho Chi Minh City, I asked participants if they had ever felt pressured to constantly appease others.
So many hands went up, and I realized how universal this tendency is.
I saw my own reflection in their stories.
I heard the same frustration and sadness about how exhausting it can be to please everyone yet still feel inadequate.
This collective acknowledgment highlighted how deeply ingrained the habit can be.
We do it hoping to be loved or admired, but the result is often the opposite: we feel invisible in our own lives.
Why self-respect transforms our relationships
Self-respect doesn’t just mean elevating ourselves above others.
It’s recognizing our inherent worth and treating ourselves with as much kindness as we offer to those around us.
When we respect ourselves, we naturally draw healthier boundaries. We’re less likely to resent other people because we’re no longer overextending.
Relationships transform when there’s an equal exchange of support.
The folks over at Mind Tools mention that healthy boundaries actually foster respect from others because they clarify expectations.
My relationships improved once I learned to say “no” in a thoughtful way. I stopped feeling like a doormat, and the people in my life began to see me in a new light.
Rather than losing friends, I found a deeper connection with them. I realized genuine relationships involve honest communication, not endless self-sacrifice.
Letting go of the fear of disapproval
A massive part of people-pleasing is the fear of letting others down.
I was terrified that saying “no” would make me seem selfish or unkind. But over time, I recognized that authentic kindness shouldn’t come at the cost of my well-being.
Self-respect includes the courage to handle possible disapproval.
Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “Our own life has to be our message.”
Each time we respect our boundaries, we communicate our own standard of well-being to others.
When we cultivate compassion for ourselves, it becomes easier to extend genuine compassion to others.
This perspective reminded me that the occasional discomfort of saying “no” could actually deepen trust.
The people who respect my boundaries are the ones I want in my life long-term.
My turning point in Southeast Asia
Several years ago, I traveled through parts of Cambodia and Thailand to lead mindfulness sessions.
One afternoon, after a particularly draining workshop, I was invited to join a large group dinner.
I felt exhausted, but my old instincts kicked in—I wanted to accept so I wouldn’t disappoint anyone. Yet something inside whispered that it was time to honor my need for rest.
I gently apologized, explaining that I needed downtime.
I remember the slight flutter of unease, waiting for them to judge me.
But the response surprised me.
They respected my decision and encouraged me to look after myself.
Sitting in my small guesthouse that evening, I felt a huge sense of relief. It was a powerful realization that people don’t always reject you when you choose self-care.
This is something I remind my workshop attendees: others are often more understanding than we think.
We just need to be honest about our limits so we can preserve our energy for the people and projects that matter most.
The value of creating inner space
Self-respect starts within, long before we articulate boundaries out loud. It’s a quiet conviction that we’re allowed to meet our own needs.
I like to begin my day with a few minutes of mindful breathing.
It’s a chance to check in with my body, notice any tension, and welcome a sense of calm.
Experts at Mayo Clinic share that healthy self-esteem can improve resilience and overall mental health.
Taking a moment to ground ourselves is one way to strengthen that healthy self-esteem.
When I build this practice into my morning routine, I’m more aware of when I’m nearing my emotional limit.
It’s like tuning an instrument before a performance—everything that follows flows more smoothly when we start in harmony.
Learning to say “no” more compassionately
Saying “no” used to feel like a terrible rejection of the other person. I worried it would ruin the dynamic between us.
Then I realized that a thoughtful “no” can be more nurturing than a resentful “yes.” It prevents frustration from festering beneath the surface.
A close friend once approached me, asking if I could help plan an elaborate celebration.
I had a busy week ahead, and I knew I couldn’t commit the time she needed.
In the past, I would have forced myself to say “yes,” then silently regretted it. But I decided to offer a partial solution: I’d give her the best ideas I had, but I wouldn’t be able to execute them.
She appreciated my honesty. She found someone else to handle the logistical details, and our friendship stayed strong.
When we say “no” from a place of respect for ourselves and empathy for the other person, it preserves the integrity of the relationship.
This approach keeps us aligned with our values and personal limits.
How to cultivate self-respect daily
Here are a few suggestions I practice to maintain self-respect:
- Mindful pauses: Before agreeing to a request, take a slow, deep breath. Does your body tense up or relax? That sensation can guide your response.
- Self-reflection: Journaling for a few minutes each evening helps you notice patterns. Where did you overextend? Where did you stand up for your limits?
- Gentle reminders: Keep a small note by your desk or phone with a phrase like “My needs matter.” This can help you stay grounded when demands arise.
Sometimes we slip back into old habits.
A friend’s crisis or a family member’s plea might tempt us to abandon our own needs.
That’s when self-compassion becomes crucial.
When we treat ourselves with gentleness and understanding, we can bounce back from missteps quickly.
Embracing a healthier sense of self
Lao Tzu once said, “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
It felt risky to let go of the role I played in everyone’s life, but that risk led to a liberating discovery of my true identity.
People-pleasing gave me a false sense of security.
Once I released that pattern, I uncovered deeper confidence, creativity, and fulfillment.
Trusting myself was the most challenging part.
I worried I’d become too selfish or aloof.
However, I found that healthy self-respect made me more present and compassionate.
It allowed me to show up with genuine kindness instead of forced obligation.
Conclusion
The journey toward self-respect can feel daunting, but it starts with small, mindful changes.
If you’d like some next steps, consider these suggestions:
- Identify the requests that make you feel especially drained, and practice saying “no” in a gentle way.
- Schedule regular moments of stillness—whether it’s through meditation, journaling, or a simple walk.
- Notice when guilt arises, and remind yourself you’re deserving of rest and personal space.
Self-respect is a continuous practice, not a one-time event.
Every day is a chance to honor who you are by listening to your needs and acting with compassion.
When you shift from people-pleasing to self-respect, you create space for deeper, more authentic connections.
And in that space, you’ll find a version of yourself who stands tall, feels free, and relates to others with genuine care.
