James Carter
I used to feel a twinge of panic whenever someone invited me to a social gathering.
You know that tense moment when you walk into a room, spot a few cliques chatting away, and stand there like you’ve forgotten how to speak?
Been there, done that — way too many times.
Over the years, though, I realized that the fear of saying “the wrong thing” was holding me back from meaningful connections. So I started testing small but powerful shifts in how I approach social situations.
Now, I’m not saying I’ve become a super-smooth extrovert who never stumbles over his words — my three kids would roll their eyes at that claim.
But I have found a set of habits that dramatically reduce social anxiety and make almost any conversation feel more natural.
Here are 8 practical ways to become more confident in social settings. After all, I’ve made enough social blunders for both of us.
1. They shift the focus off themselves
I used to believe I needed dazzling stories or witty punchlines to keep a conversation going. In reality, people just want to feel heard.
A study referenced on Psychology Today highlights that active listening isn’t merely about nodding — it means you can show genuine curiosity.
So instead of obsessing over how I look or what I’ll say next, I try to ask questions that invite the other person to share more.
Think: “What’s been exciting you lately?” or “How did you get involved in that?” This simple pivot helps me relax, because I’m no longer performing—I’m learning.
- Action step: In your next social situation, pick one person and challenge yourself to truly listen. Ask follow-up questions without rushing to respond with your own story.
Key Takeaway: Focusing on someone else’s experiences lowers social anxiety and fosters real conversation.
So, once we’ve stopped stressing about our own performance, how do we make the other person feel more at ease?
2. They use approachable body language
Before I figured this out, I’d show up to parties with my arms crossed, my gaze glued to the floor, and a half-smile that probably looked more like a grimace.
Carl Rogers, a renowned psychologist, once noted that genuine warmth and openness can be conveyed more through our posture and eye contact than through words.
An open stance, uncrossed arms, and an occasional smile can signal “I’m friendly” more effectively than any fancy greeting.
People pick up on subtle cues. When your body says you’re approachable, conversations happen more fluidly.
- Action step: Try a one-minute posture reset before entering a social setting: roll your shoulders back, unclench your jaw, and take a deep breath. Then walk in with a neutral but welcoming expression.
Key Takeaway: Body language speaks louder than words — use it to invite connection.
We’ve got body language down.
Next up: how do we keep our composure when someone brings up unexpected topics?
3. They stay curious instead of judgmental
Years ago, I was at a volunteer program in France where people from all over Europe came together.
We had radically different views on politics, religion, and even breakfast foods (I still don’t get the obsession with salted butter on everything).
At first, my gut reaction was to judge. But then I realized that curiosity disarms tension.
Carl Jung famously said, “Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.”
When we let go of the urge to label someone’s opinion as “right” or “wrong,” the conversation flows.
I found that adopting an inquisitive mindset—“Tell me more about that”—keeps discussions positive and encourages the other person to open up.
- Action step: The next time someone’s perspective rubs you the wrong way, pause and ask at least one clarifying question before sharing your own viewpoint.
Key Takeaway: A curious mind breaks down barriers and invites richer dialogue.
But hang on a second. What if we still feel nerves creeping in?
4. They practice mindful breathing before engaging
I can’t count how many times I’ve let stress run the show. My heart would race, and my brain would go blank right when I needed to strike up small talk.
According to Healthline, taking just 30 seconds to breathe deeply can calm the “fight or flight” response, which is often triggered in social scenarios.
Here’s my go-to trick:
I exhale for a count of six, then inhale for a count of four. Repeat that for half a minute before walking into the event or initiating a conversation. It’s a mini-reset button that helps me step into a relaxed state rather than a panicked one.
- Action step: Next time you anticipate feeling uneasy—be it at a networking event or a friend’s party—take 30 seconds to do the exhale-for-six, inhale-for-four technique.
Key Takeaway: A short breathing exercise can shift you out of anxiety and into calm readiness.
Alright, our breathing is under control. But how do we keep from going into autopilot chit-chat?
5. They embrace authentic conversation starters
When I was younger, I relied on the old standbys: “So, what do you do?” or “Nice weather we’re having.”
Not exactly conversation gold. Brené Brown once said, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”
That vulnerability can start with how we open the conversation.
Try a conversation starter that reveals a bit more about you or digs a bit deeper than surface-level talk.
For instance: “What’s the highlight of your week so far?” or “Heard any good music lately?” might seem simple, but they open the door to real interests and stories.
- Action step: Prepare three to five conversation starters that go beyond the obvious. If you’re nervous, write them on your phone’s notes app so you don’t forget.
Key Takeaway: Meaningful openers can spark genuine dialogue and reduce awkward silences.
Now that we’re starting better conversations, how do we make sure we’re building a true connection?
6. They give genuine compliments or gratitude
One of my favorite parts of traveling across Europe was learning how different cultures express gratitude.
In Spain, people often show appreciation through small gestures like offering a seat or sharing food. I realized that no matter where you are, a sincere compliment or note of thanks warms up a room like nothing else.
The trick here is sincerity.
If you’re forcing a compliment, people can sense it. Instead of focusing on something superficial, choose something that genuinely stands out.
Maybe it’s a coworker’s ability to keep the team organized, or how a friend consistently remembers birthdays.
A well-placed thanks or kind word can dissolve tension and make everyone feel more comfortable.
- Action step: The next time you’re in a social situation, identify one quality you genuinely admire in someone. Tell them specifically what you appreciate and why.
Key Takeaway: Real compliments and gratitude spark positivity and help you connect on a deeper level.
We’ve managed to create positive vibes. But what about those awkward moments when you run out of things to say?
7. They master the “pause and pivot”
My heart used to sink whenever there was a lull in the conversation, as if I’d failed some unspoken social test.
Then I learned the “pause and pivot” technique: allow a brief silence, and then pivot to a related (or sometimes completely different) topic.
Marcus Aurelius, a Stoic philosopher, believed that silence can be a form of wisdom—giving space for thoughts to settle before moving on.
Embrace that small silence, then segue with, “By the way, that reminds me…” or, “I’ve been meaning to ask you…”
This approach acknowledges the lull without scrambling to fill it with empty chatter.
- Action step: Practice letting a silence hang for a moment before you switch gears to a new topic. You can even rehearse with a friend to get comfortable with that pause.
Key Takeaway: Silence isn’t failure—it’s a reset that can lead to a more meaningful exchange.
8. They reflect and adjust for next time
A few years ago, after returning from a family trip to Italy, I started noting “wins” and “misses” from each social interaction.
It sounds geeky, but it helped me see patterns.
Maybe I talked too much about myself (my kids tease me that I can overshare about our holidays). Or maybe I asked zero questions about the other person’s life.
The thing is that regular self-reflection as a cornerstone of personal growth. Instead of beating yourself up for any awkward moments, use them as data.
This approach frees you to learn—rather than cringe—at your social missteps.
- Action step: Keep a short journal where you jot down what went well and what you’d do differently next time. No judgment, just a note for your future self.
Key Takeaway: Reflection turns awkward moments into learning opportunities for the next social event.
Final words
There you have it — eight strategies that genuinely reduced my social awkwardness and let me enjoy conversations on a whole new level.
As someone who’s stumbled over plenty of introductions and endured countless sweaty-palmed moments, I can say these habits are worth the effort. The goal isn’t perfection but progress.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my work at Hack Spirit, it’s that personal growth happens in these small, steady steps.
So pick one tactic from the list, give it a shot, and see what shifts for you.
And hey, if you feel like sharing your experiences or want to add your own tips, I’d love to hear them.
Question for you: Which of these eight habits are you most excited to try at your next social gathering?
Feel free to let me know—I’m rooting for your success.
