Here’s a love story you’ve probably never heard before:
Boy meets girl, falls in love, grows up and gets married to said girl, has three beautiful kids…
And then his wife starts pushing him to sleep with other women because it excites her.
Welcome to my current life…
My wife wants me to sleep with someone else
Yes, you read that right.
She really wants it. It’s practically become her obsession and I have to admit that the idea has also started growing on me more and more.
My wife not only wants me to sleep with someone else, she has a damn list.
She wants me to rate her choices for my future bed buddies, but all I can say is that the idea of playing this game with my wife has left me feeling confused, turned on and baffled in so many ways.
Opening up your marriage is becoming increasingly common, but it’s still controversial. One partner wanting it while the other doesn’t has destroyed many marriages.
Then again, as Jazz Meyer writes, seeing her partner have sex with another woman revitalized her relationship and whole perspective on romance and intimacy.
So I guess it can go both ways…
I was worried about us breaking apart but also excited about the possibilities when the subject came up.
I wondered exactly why my wife was bringing this up?
Is she testing me?
Does she have psychological issues of her own?
Is this her way of subtly admitting she’s been catching a stranger’s D behind my back?
Steph McKenzie says that finding women for her husband to have sex with was empowering and exciting for her and him:
“I never thought I’d be a woman who would actively encourage her spouse to have sex, and even relationships, with other women…
“I’m not jealous of these other women with my husband at all. Sometimes, I go out of my way to find nice women for him….usually women I think I’ll like as friends for me.
“Other times, and most usually, he finds someone himself and lets me meet her online before bringing her over to the house.”
According to McKenzie, she likes when her husband is with other women because it gives her some freedom to do her own thing for awhile, dodge some of the heat from his mental health issues and the bad mood they cause, and sometimes brings her new friends.
She doesn’t feel jealous and considers it a win-win when they both agree on a new woman to bring in.
I know that for me I’m nowhere near as “open” as McKenzie and her husband in this regard, but I can say that the opening of this possibility to me was a real eye-opener.
Thinking back to the day she opened up to me about her desires I can only say it was very unique…
There we were in bed…
We were glistening with sweat after making love.
It had been good, and my wife Wendy reached her climax right around the same time as me.
It almost felt like the first days when we started dating.
We held each other and I stroked her hair gently. She said that she was fully satisfied. I said I was too, whispering in her ear.
It felt like an intimate moment…
Then she trailed a finger down my arm and reached for her cell phone, scrolling for a moment to find a photo.
“What do you think of Allie? She works at my office.”
I glanced without much interest and saw an attractive woman in her late 30s with black hair. I wasn’t sure what to say.
I mean, she was hot, that’s for sure. I reached for a bottle of cold water.
But why was my wife asking me what I thought about her officemate Allie?
She scrolled more.
Photos popped up of Allie in lingerie, and one of her licking her finger.
Did she have a part-time job as a Playboy bunny? What was this?
“She took those for you,” Wendy told me.
I almost choked on my water and splurted some over the bedcovers. What the f*ck?
It turned out that my wife had been trying to set up a sex session for me and a new woman for a few weeks now.
The Rotary Club had been a bust (no surprise there, those people wouldn’t get turned on by Brooke Shields), and Wendy’s waitress friend at the local cafe had turned out to be extremely religious and very offended by Wendy’s insinuations about having a hot husband who was interested in “some adult play time…”
I’d never expressed any interest in fooling around with someone else, but apparently, Wendy had signed off on my side of the deal already, in the hopes of recruiting an exciting new prospect.
But then Wendy struck gold. Her perverted persistence paid off.
After she found out that Allie in the front office was a divorced single mom with an addiction to Tinder, Wendy made some real progress…
It was only been a short time between their budding friendship and a short photo session at Allie’s with some wine and thongs.
Fast forward to our bed and my mounting excitement as my wife showed me her very…bountiful…friend.
I was at a loss for words.
Allie wanted to meet me and take things to the next level.
But unlike men who cheat and break their wife’s heart this was the exact opposite:
My wife really wanted me to go have sex with Allie. Multiple times.
Gracie X explains that this desire to see your partner experience pleasure with someone else is known as compersion.
“There’s actually a word for the joyful feeling that a person has when his or her lover or spouse walks through the door after making love to another lover: it’s called compersion,” Gracie X notes.
“Compersion is such a novel concept that you won’t even find the word in the dictionary, but it’s a well-known idea among polyamorous people and people in committed open relationships.
“Feeling all warm and gooey because your spouse had a great time banging someone else is not something we’re socialized to feel.”
How did I react?
Let me be honest: my first reaction is that I got very turned on. I was practically ready for round two with Wendy just from the thought of getting some jaw-dropping strange with her hot coworker.
It was like being told I’d just won an all-expenses vacation to the Maldives, except the only place I’d be diving was into the muff of my wife’s sexy minx of a work friend…
Sign me up, buddy!
My wife wants me to bump fuzzies with the raven-haired beauty who books appointments at her real estate firm?
Let’s get this open house started, baby!
But this feeling of excitement quickly gave way to something much less pleasant.
A deep feeling of insecurity and depression.
Why wasn’t my wife satisfied by only having sex with me?
Was our marriage just a platform for her to get voyeuristic pleasure from opening things up once she was bored?
I sure as hell didn’t want her having sex with other men, so why did she want me getting it on with other women?
The porn part of my brain that was wondering exactly what Allie looked like under that Victoria’s secret bra gave way to the deep love I have for my wife and the years we’ve spent together.
Had we really reached the point where the spark needed to revitalize our marriage was her knowing I was getting action elsewhere?
Dr. Pepper Schwartz writes about this, saying that “I understand the desire for sexual variety and adventure. But I also think it’s impossible to know how we would react if we agreed to a hall pass — and it actually happened.
So, alluring as it is, I have to say “pass” on the hall pass.
Loyalty and exclusiveness build the trust and commitment that a relationship needs to endure. Non-monogamy happens, sure — but to build it into a marriage is way too risky.”
Opinions like this made me more cautious on the openness expressed by people like Notas and McKenzie.
What if the more conservative view was right?
Why did my wife really want me to sleep with another woman anyway?
It seemed a bit sad, in a way…
At the same time, part of me could see this in a way where I didn’t take it as a bad thing and thought of it as an expansion of our intimate life.
Of course, I asked her why and she said it was a fantasy she had and that she thought it would make me happy and take the edge of stress.
This didn’t necessarily cheapen what we had, did it? Only if I saw it that way…
I was curious about this part of me that was jealous or hurt by her suggestion. Was this a “good” part of me or a jealous, “weak” part of me?
This conflicted reaction of being excited but also somewhat depressed left me kind of confused: this wasn’t like they show it in the movies at all!
Dan Bacon is a relationship expert who has a really interesting take on this.
“If your wife wants you to sleep with another woman, it may simply be a fantasy that she has brought back with her into the real world.
“For example: She might have been masturbating to the idea of you having sex with another woman in front of her, or walking in on you giving it to another woman doggy style and then joining in herself.
“That might sound worrying to you, but it’s no more worrying than you jerking off to hardcore porn. It’s an arousing thought and idea, but it doesn’t mean that you and her have to act out either of those things in real life.
“So, the question now is this…
“Do you think that you sleeping with another woman is something that should stay in the realm of fantasy, or is it something that you think needs to be turned into a reality?”
That is the question, indeed!
I need to rediscover who I really was
I was relatively young when I married my wife, and to be quite honest our marriage has been quite good.
I could be dramatic and talk about illness or issues we’ve had, but overall compared to some friends of mine we have been truly blessed.
But the thing about finding out that my wife wants me to sleep with someone else is that it sent me into a tailspin of confusion.
Who am I really, and what do I want out of life?
Are their boundaries I won’t cross or are these just socially-constructed illusions?
I needed to go deep in my core and stop listening so much to the outside world or desires of others, including my wife…
The most effective way is to tap into your personal power.
You see, we all have an incredible amount of power and potential within us, but most of us never tap into it. We become bogged down in self-doubt and limiting beliefs. We stop doing what brings us true happiness.
I learned this from investigating the work of the shaman Rudá Iandê. He’s helped thousands of people align work, family, spirituality, and love so they can unlock the door to their personal power.
He has a unique approach that combines traditional ancient shamanic techniques with a modern-day twist. It’s an approach that uses nothing but your own inner strength – no gimmicks or fake claims of empowerment.
Because true empowerment needs to come from within.
In his excellent free video, Rudá explains how you can create the life you’ve always dreamed of, and it’s easier than you might think, and that you don’t need to conform to the expectations of others.
His advice really changed my life because it took away the immense pressure I felt to either please my wife or just shut down and refuse to experiment at all with another woman. I realized that the answer wasn’t in one or the other polarities, it was in deciding from a place of true personal integrity.
You want to know if I did it, don’t you?
I know it can get frustrating reading articles like this and reading more and more when you really just want to know one thing: did I do it?
And secondly: was it great, OK, bad or awful?
The thing is that the more I considered it the more I really was torn.
As this reader advises on a forum, the decision to play around with your wife’s permission isn’t as simple as it looks on the surface.
“Only do it if you really want to. Don’t make any rash choices,” they write.
“Take as much time as you need to think about and make sure it’s what you want and you’re not just doing it to please her.”
That’s exactly what I did.
Part of my decision was spurred by research I did into monogamy and biology.
As Nick Notas observes, “we’re beginning to understand that most people are not biologically programmed for monogamy; they are both monogamous and polyamorous. In my experience, this is especially true for men.”
I’m going to tell you what happened, because this article has no point if I’m not fully honest.
Even though it’s kind of embarrassing and weird, that’s just how life goes sometimes (a lot of the time).
We went to meet Allie for a drink and headed back to her place on a quiet residential street. Her kid was at his dad’s.
The atmosphere was charged. Wendy drove off and gave me a little wave, and Allie and I started watching some show, I forget exactly what it was.
I was more focused on other things…
One thing led to another and let’s just say that we both pleasured each other in various oral ways.
It was exciting, her body was banging, and I can’t say I wasn’t tempted to just open up a package of condoms and go for it.
I was literally reaching for a pack of condoms next to the sofa that I’d brought when I decided that I wanted to slow down.
Allie was moaning like a banshee and showing me a wild side that was turning me on like crazy, but in the end, we didn’t go all the way…
I ended up taking an Uber home in a state of a bit of confusion, frustration but also inner peace.
I was OK with where I’d left things, and I know that my discipline in pulling back only turned Allie on all the more: let’s just say that door is far from closed.
Wendy wasn’t upset when I told her what happened. She just winked and said she knew I couldn’t resist forever.
Time to get kinky?
My marriage is currently doing better than ever.
Will I go all the way with Allie in the future? Let’s just say I’m thinking about it.
But I also believe that marriage is a two-way street and I don’t want to feel any pressure about doing more than I’m comfortable with right now or having a bad reaction to a sexual adventure that seems fun at first.
Really though, my wife’s suggestion of sleeping with another woman hasn’t lessened the love I feel for my wife.
What I can say is that while it hasn’t been easy to think of my marriage in a new way, it’s also broadened my horizon in an exciting way.
It’s tested my boundaries, but not in a way that makes me feel emasculated or devalued.
It’s brought up my insecurities and led to all sorts of deep talks with my wife.
It’s certainly true that the road to create and find the true love and intimacy that you deserve is never easy or simple.
However, I do believe that sometimes sexual adventures and opening a marriage can be a positive step forward into greater intimacy with your partner and more vitality in the relationship.
I’m still deciding whether to put that key in the lock and turn it fully, and I don’t blame anyone who goes for it…
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
Did you like my article? Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed.