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“My wife is boring in bed” – 10 things you can do

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In the bedroom, just like plenty of other areas of a relationship, you’re going to stumble on differences between you and your partner.

Contrasts in sexual preferences are very common, but they can cause a rift between couples.

If you are struggling to spice things up this article will offer practical solutions to help you improve your sex life.

What should you do if your wife is boring in bed? Here are 10 things to try.

What if your wife is boring in bed?

1) Don’t pile on the pressure

Not piling on the pressure around sex applies to both you and your wife.

What do you do when your wife is uninterested sexually? First off, don’t be tempted to shoulder the blame for that.

If you feel like your wife doesn’t have much of a sexual appetite, it doesn’t mean it’s “your fault”.

Expecting our partners to take responsibility for our own sexual desire is never helpful and pretty unrealistic.

Whilst the act of sex is a partnership, it’s important to remember that getting turned on (or off) begins and ends in an individual’s own mind.

Of course, we all want to please our partners, but feeling like it is your role to ‘perform better’ or making her feel like there is something wrong with her for not wanting sex places a stigma on you both.

You can still actively work on improving your sex life without pestering, persuading, or provoking.

2) Understand your libidos

Mismatched libidos within a relationship are incredibly common.

Research shows that up to 80% of couples regularly experience situations where one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t.

If one has a much higher sex drive than the other this can present more of a challenge.

But sex therapist and neuroscientist Dr. Nan Wise says we should all realize that our sex drive is complex and can be improved:

“The first step in working with your libido is understanding the two types of sexual desire: “active” sexual desire (when we feel “horny”) and “responsive” sexual desire. Responsive sexual desire is the type that lies beneath the surface.

“It kicks in under the right circumstances, like when something great happens in life (a book deal, a big raise, or meeting a fabulous potential partner). It also can bump up when a present partner behaves in ways that are particularly appealing (making you dinner, touching that sensitive spot on your neck, engaging in active listening).”

3) Try to communicate your desires and listen to hers

Your desires and sexual preferences were molded way before you met one another, often originating in your upbringing and the environment your sexuality developed within.

These vast diversities mean that the reality is some people like a lot of sex, others do not. Some people are perfectly content with vanilla sex, whilst others prefer it kinky.

Just like in all areas of your relationship, communication is King. Yet a surprising amount of us holds back from truly discussing sex.

When he surveyed 4000 people for his book, ‘Tell Me What You Want’, Justin Lehmiller found that we find it difficult to share our fantasies. In fact, only half of us have shared them.

“People who discuss their fantasies report the happiest sexual relationships…But there’s a lot of shame around them.”

The easier you can make it for you to both open up about your desires, the better.

4) Work on other forms of intimacy

Sex is not an isolated part of a relationship. That means the quality of your relationship overall is going to have a big impact on your physical connection.

Any cracks in your marriage are likely to be reflected between the sheets. Bickering and resentment between partners show up in their sex life.

Psychosexual and relationship therapist Krystal Woodbridge says it’s not uncommon for sexual problems to be rooted in something entirely different:

“If a couple comes to me with a sexual problem, it’s rarely just about that one thing. For example, someone with low desire may have been harbouring 20 years of resentment about something else.”

Sometimes people appear boring in bed because they have actually shut down emotionally.

Working on your relationship as a whole by improving your emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and experiential intimacy will likely have a positive knock-on effect on your physical intimacy too.

5) Be a generous lover

If you’ve ever wondered ‘how can I make my wife excited in bed?’ then being a generous lover is a great place to start.

Getting too wrapped up in your own sexual needs can mean you inadvertently overlook your partners.

Encourage your wife to let you know what feels good to her and what doesn’t. There could be things she feels too shy to tell you about.

Research has found the most important qualities in lasting relationships are generosity and kindness, and this applies equally as much in the bedroom.

Good foreplay begins with generosity.

We can end up touching our partners in the way we would like to be touched. But by turning your partner on by doing what they like, rather than what you think (or wish) they would like, you are being a generous lover.

 6) Ignite some romance

How do I get my wife to be more freaky in bed? The funny thing is, the answer may well lie totally outside of the bedroom.

Research has shown that imagination has a large part to play in good sex life. The stronger the sensuality and imagination, the better couples rate their sex life.

Romance is all about creating the right ambiance and environment to help pique desire. It encourages you to switch up your routine and create novelty again, which sparks longing and interest in one another.

Psychotherapist, sexuality expert, and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel says we all too often see sex as an isolated activity when in reality sexual foreplay extends into our entire relationship:

“Contrary to what we are taught, eroticism isn’t purely sexual; it is sexuality transformed and socialized by the human imagination. The imagination creates the plot. Flirtation, longing, and anticipation all play within our mind’s eye…Don’t know what I mean? Think about a favorite activity.

“Let’s say, you love to play soccer, tennis, or ping-pong. Last time, you won your game. Thinking about that win gets you excited about the next time you’ll play. At home, you wash your gear. You text your teammates to schedule practice.

“You check the weather. There’s a whole ritual that builds anticipation. So why, when it comes to sex, do people seem to think that just saying “do you want to have sex” after doing the dishes is a sufficient warm up?”

If you want your sex life to be more adventurous, then work on creating a more experimental, spontaneous, and thrilling romance between you and your wife.

7) Compliments, compliments, and more compliments

You’ve no doubt heard the expression that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

If you want your wife to be more open to sexual exploration then the worst thing you can do is criticize her when it comes to sex. Stripping her of her confidence sexually will only drive a bigger wedge between you.

Flattery really does get you everywhere and so approach your sexual activities with encouragement, praise, and positivity.

Sincerity is key, but help her to feel more attractive and leave her in no doubt that she is desirable to you.

Make sure your compliments don’t just take place when you are in the mood for sex either. Let her know that you find her sexy, both inside and outside of the bedroom.

8) Groom yourself

Lots of couples will try lingerie as a way of spicing things up. But don’t forget it’s a two-way street.

Maybe you are already a very well-kept guy, but the more sex appeal you can create the better.

In long-term relationships, the effort we make in the beginning tends to fade over time, especially once we’re out of the honeymoon stage.

She’s less likely to want to rip your clothes off when she walks through the door to find you vegged out on the couch wearing sweatpants.

Make an effort to become as sexy and desirable to her as you can. It’s not solely about the aesthetics that you create, it’s also a way of showing effort and investment in her.

9) Be supportive

There are countless reasons why a wife starts to lose interest in sex with her husband.

Low self-esteem, hormonal changes, other relationship problems, and the general pressures of real-life can all play a part.

Plenty of married couples find their sex life dwindling because of external factors like children, careers, family, finances…the list goes on.

Nothing kills libido quite like stress and fatigue.

The more emotionally and practically supportive you can be, the less stressed she is likely to feel.

If you know she’s feeling under pressure from work, how can you help to take some of the burdens away at home? If she’s exhausted, what can you do to help her relax?

The more she sees you as her teammate in general life, the stronger that bond will be in the bedroom too.

Romantic dinner dates are all well and good, but when it comes to real life, it’s often the small gestures that go a long way.

At the end of a hard day, nothing is sexier than a guy who takes the bins out without you even needing to ask.

10) Be playful

Start conversations about sex without any ulterior motive for it to lead anywhere.

Ask her what she likes, let her know you think it would be fun for both of you to try some new things and find out what she thinks.

You can each make lists of your turn-ons, what you and your partner wear, foreplay preferences, emotional sensitivity, etc. Describe the occasions to one another when you felt intense pleasure and excitement.

If you have specific suggestions, then make them. But also make sure you actively listen to her preferences without judgment, just as you would want her to hear you out over yours.

There aren’t any rights or wrongs, it’s all personal taste and you will most likely need to compromise.

Nothing kills exploration and pleasure quite like pressure. Performance-driven sex which focuses solely on a specific outcome is the absolute opposite of erotic.

Think of sex as more of a playful dance that unfolds, rather than a specific physical activity.

Finding a common ground could be a work in progress, and you might not get there straight away. The lighter and more fun you can make things, the easier the process will be.

Bottomline: I love my wife, but she is so boring in the bedroom

What if you’ve already tried to communicate with your wife openly and honestly about sex, you’ve tried to spice things up and inject more passion and romance into your relationship, but to no avail?

Here is the unfortunate, but important truth that you may need to hear: Perhaps your wife is “boring” in bed because that’s how likes it.

The reality is that it’s ok to have different tastes and appetites sexually. Your desires aren’t any less or any more valid than hers.

A relationship is made up of much more, and sex certainly isn’t everything. Perhaps a varied and active sex life is more important to you than it is to your wife. Plenty of people think that sex is overrated and so it falls down the list of their own personal priorities in life.

Letting go of unfair expectations can take some of the pressure off and allow you to reach a middle ground. Allowing her to express herself in the way that suits her best can end up improving your sex life together because neither of you feels a burden to “perform” in a certain way.

We all have different styles of making love, so try to focus on the areas where your desires overlap and intersect.

Putting yourself first

Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.

What’s your number one goal at the moment?

Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?

To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?

Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?

Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.

And even then…plans fail.

But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…

No, I’m writing this because I want to help you achieve the goals you’ve set.

I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.

Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.

She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.

Click here to find out more about Life Journal.

So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.

How much do you want it?

Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?

If so, check out the workshop here.

If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!

All the best,
Lachlan

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Written by Louise Jackson

My passion in life is communication in all its many forms. I enjoy nothing more than deep chats about life, love and the Universe. With a masters degree in Journalism, I’m a former BBC news reporter and newsreader. But around 8 years ago I swapped the studio for a life on the open road. Lisbon, Portugal is currently where I call home. My personal development articles have featured in Huffington Post, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Thrive Global and more.

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