Eliza Hartley
In life, we are often taught to hide our problems, to maintain an image of perfect harmony even when chaos reigns within.
This was a lesson I learned early on from my parents – a ‘sweep it under the rug’ mentality that dictated how I handled my problems, big or small. In my mind, out of sight meant out of mind.
But like dust bunnies accumulating under a rug, these unresolved issues began to pile up and seep into my relationships, causing them to crumble one after another.
Reflecting on this cycle of failed relationships made me realize the fundamental issue at hand – it was never about the other person, but about the way I was dealing with my problems.
This realization marked the beginning of a journey towards self-awareness and emotional healing. It was time to lift the rug and confront the mess head-on.
Understanding the root of the problem
Growing up, I had always admired my parents’ ability to maintain a calm exterior, regardless of what was going on behind the scenes. It seemed like the ideal way to handle problems – to simply pretend they didn’t exist.
This approach was ingrained in me throughout my childhood. If a problem arose, I would simply push it aside, sweep it under the proverbial rug and put on a brave smile.
However, as I transitioned into adulthood and began navigating my own relationships, this mentality began to cause more harm than good. Unresolved issues from my past would surface in arguments, causing confusion and hurt.
I started to see the pattern – whenever a problem arose, instead of addressing it, I would retreat into denial or avoidance. This not only led to misunderstandings but also built up resentment and mistrust in my relationships.
It was a wake-up call that made me realize that ignoring problems doesn’t make them disappear; it just delays the inevitable confrontation. Meanwhile, the hidden mess continues to grow under the rug, waiting for an opportunity to explode.
Embracing the discomfort
In a world that values comfort and ease, choosing to embrace discomfort seems counterintuitive. Yet, as I delved deeper into my journey of self-discovery, I realized that discomfort is not the enemy, but rather a teacher.
For years, I had been running away from discomfort, seeking refuge in the short-term relief that came with ignoring my problems. However, this only led to long-term pain and repeated patterns of failed relationships.
Instead of fearing the discomfort that came with confronting my issues, I had to learn to lean into it. The pain of confrontation, though intense in the moment, was far less damaging than the accumulated pain of years of avoidance and denial.
The process was not easy. It meant facing truths about myself that I had long ignored, and accepting responsibility for my part in the failed relationships. But each confrontation brought with it a sense of liberation, a lightness that came from finally releasing what had been swept under the rug for so long.
Learning the language of emotions
Emotions, I discovered, are not just random feelings that come and go. They are messages, signals from our inner self that something needs our attention.
Growing up, I was taught to suppress my emotions, to keep a stiff upper lip and carry on in the face of adversity. This ‘sweep it under the rug’ mentality extended to my emotional world as well – rather than feeling my emotions and understanding what they were trying to tell me, I would simply ignore them.
But emotions, like problems, don’t just disappear when ignored. They fester and grow, eventually manifesting in unhealthy ways. My repeated relationship failures were a testament to this.
Learning to confront my problems also meant learning to confront my emotions. It meant acknowledging the anger, the fear, the sadness – allowing myself to feel these emotions fully rather than running from them.
The power of vulnerability
Showing vulnerability is often seen as a sign of weakness, but in reality, it’s one of the strongest things a person can do.
This was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. All my life, I had been taught to keep my struggles and problems hidden, to put on a brave face and pretend everything was fine. But this approach wasn’t working; it was causing my relationships to fail and my emotional health to suffer.
Opening up about my problems, admitting that I was struggling, felt like an immense risk. I was terrified of being judged or rejected. But what I found was the opposite – showing vulnerability didn’t push people away, it brought them closer.
It’s a bit like opening the windows of a stuffy room – it might be uncomfortable at first, but ultimately it allows fresh air to circulate, bringing renewal and clarity.
Unlearning the old, embracing the new
Change is a strange beast. It can be terrifying, yet liberating. Uncomfortable, yet necessary.
My journey of confronting my problems head-on was a journey of change. It meant unlearning the lessons of my childhood, the belief that problems should be hidden rather than faced.
There were nights when I would lie awake, questioning whether I was making the right decision. There were days when I would fall back into old patterns, revert to sweeping things under the rug.
But each stumble was a lesson, a reminder of the person I no longer wanted to be. It was a tough process, full of self-doubt and fear. But it was also a process filled with growth and self-discovery.
With every confrontation, with every problem faced head-on, I was slowly shedding the old me and embracing a new version of myself – a version that was more honest, more authentic, more in touch with my emotions and needs.
This journey wasn’t about becoming perfect or problem-free. It was about becoming real – about facing life’s challenges instead of running from them, about acknowledging my flaws instead of hiding them. It was about learning to confront problems head-on, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.
Failure as a stepping stone
We’re often taught to avoid failure at all costs, to see it as something negative and damaging. It’s a mindset that’s entrenched in our society, reinforced by the fear of judgment and rejection.
But as I delved deeper into my journey of confronting problems, I began to see failure in a different light. Rather than a dead-end, it became a stepping stone, an essential part of my growth and self-discovery.
Instead of running from failure or feeling ashamed of it, I learned to embrace it. I started viewing each failure as a chance to learn something new about myself and about how I handled problems.
This shift in perspective didn’t come easily. It was counter to everything I had been taught growing up. But it was a crucial step in stopping the cycle of sweeping issues under the rug.
Seeking professional help
Admitting you need help can be a tough pill to swallow, especially when you’ve been raised to believe that problems should be kept private, hidden away from the world.
But as I began to confront my problems head-on, I realized that there were some issues that I couldn’t tackle alone. These were deep-seated patterns and beliefs that I had carried with me since childhood.
Seeking professional help was a game-changer. A trained therapist was able to provide the tools and insight I needed to delve deeper into my problems and confront them in a safe, structured way.
Therapy was not an admission of weakness, as I had initially feared. Instead, it was an act of courage – a willingness to face my problems and work towards a healthier, happier self.
Final words: Looking inward is the first step to moving forward
Understanding ourselves, our true nature, is one of the most powerful tools we have in navigating life’s challenges. It’s about recognizing our patterns, our triggers, and our emotional responses. It’s about understanding what makes us tick, what brings us joy, and what brings us pain.
My journey of confronting problems head-on forced me to look inward, to peel back the layers and get to know the real me. It wasn’t always comfortable; seeing our flaws and insecurities laid bare can be distressing.
But it was necessary.
Through this process, I started to understand my true nature – my strengths and weaknesses, my hopes and fears, my passions and dislikes. This self-knowledge became my compass, guiding me through life’s ups and downs.
