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“My husband is always annoyed with me” – 10 honest tips if you feel this is you

Is your husband angry with you all the time?

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, no matter how far out of your way you go to make him happy, your husband still seems to find something to complain about or shoot down.

He’s always annoyed, seems to never be satisfied, and wants you to pick up your socks and do more to make him happy.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

So many women live in relationships where they are expected to cater to the men in their lives. And it’s not your fault.

You’ve been raised by a society that, no matter how much it harps about feminism and independence, still asks you why you’re applying for a loan on your own or what your husband does within minutes of meeting you.

You’ve been conditioned to cater to the men in your life and it’s causing more rifts in your relationships than you realize.

The good news is that up until now, it has not been your fault. But, the bad news is that now you know it and have to decide what to do with that information.

If your husband is always upset with you, no matter what you do, keep reading.

Here are 10 honest tips to consider if your husband is always annoyed with you.

1. It’s Not Your Fault

Before we talk about why your husband is angry all the time, one of the first things you’ll want to do is take some time to think about how big of a problem is this really.

For many people, frustration and anger are part of the package and together you learn to navigate those feelings and overcome them.

But if your husband hasn’t done anything to make an effort or to deal with his own feelings, you need to understand that there isn’t anything you can do to make that better for him.

Being a better, kinder, and more understanding wife won’t fix his issues. And believe me, these are issues that need fixing.

There are a million reasons why your husband is angry all the time, but one thing is for sure: it’s not your fault.

Even if he yells and screams at you and tells you that you’re the reason he is so miserable, it is 100% not true.

The reason we know this is true is that human beings have the capacity to control their thoughts and feelings and we control how we react to other people.

So even if you were the worst wife on the planet and did everything in your power to try to annoy him, he gets to choose how to react to those situations; ultimately, he is like this because he is choosing to be like this.

Not an easy pill to swallow, for sure, but rest easy knowing that when someone treats you badly, it is because of their choices, not yours.

He might have something going on at work or in other areas of his life that are causing him to be angry and upset, but again, that doesn’t give him the right to take it out on you.

He might tell you he doesn’t know what else to do or that it is your fault (somehow?) that his work is going down the drain or that his relationship with his mother is falling apart, but again, know that it is not your doing: it’s his reaction to those things that is making this difficult for the both of you.

2. Look Back

One of the first things you should do is take some time to reflect on his past behavior.

First of all, has he always been like this but you were just too “in love” to notice?

Has he always had a short temper or been annoyed easily at things?

Have you, until now, chosen to overlook this about him?

If this is all new to you, then it’s important to talk to him about what might really be going on with him.

Work might be falling apart, he might be having a major issue with a friend or family member and he’s embarrassed or he might be worried about money.

It could be anything so before you point fingers, be sure to talk to him about how he’s feeling and what’s going on in his life.

You might be surprised by what you find.

If, however, he’s been like this since day one and you somehow missed it, you’ll want to have a hard conversation with yourself about whether it’s you or him that is the problem.

By the sounds of it, it’s not you.

3. Look at his Habits

In the last few months, have you noticed a change in any of the following: his nutrition, activity levels, television habits, sleep habits?

Have you noticed that he’s not into the things he used to be into?

More often than not, if you’ve ruled out that this guy has always been a jerk by doing the work in the paragraph above, there’s probably something really big going on with him and he doesn’t have the capacity to manage his emotions.

We forget sometimes that men also have hard lives and deal with a lot of things that go unnoticed or undiscussed.

Because we still see men as strong, silent types, we forget that they have emotions and need to be reassured in all areas of their lives too.

It could be that these recent mood swings are caused by any number of things including weight gain or loss, hormone imbalance, lack of sex drive, fear of the future – you name it, guys worry about it too.

He might be taking his fear or frustration out on you because you’re close to him and he trusts you.

We’re often the cruelest to the people we love the most because they are safe to us.

Talk to him about how he’s been feeling and what’s changed for him in the last few months.

You might be surprised to find that he’s not annoyed with you at all. It’s himself he’s annoyed with.

If you can sit down with him and get him to talk about what’s going on, you might find clinical reasons for his mood changes – assuming these chances are recent and you haven’t been trying to talk him off the ledge for the last twenty years hoping things would get better.

He could have a hormone imbalance or mental illness or be depressed. He might be really stressed out about something related to money or his future.

Who knows?

But in order to move forward as a couple, in a strong and understand the relationship, he needs to stop treating you like his personal vent zone and find a way to manage his emotions.

Often women will stay in a relationship throughout a difficult period like this in the hopes that things will just calm down or he’ll figure it out, but the longer you allow him to treat you like that, the harder it will be to change again later.

You get to set the boundaries and expectations for your own life and if he is blaming you or being angry with you because of that, it’s time to reflect on what you want to do about the situation, not just what you’re waiting for him to do.

4. You’re Doing Well in Life

Something that doesn’t get talked about a lot is the fact that women are on the uptick and a lot of men are feeling insecure about their own relationships, skills, knowledge, and abilities.

While it is important that you never dim your light to make someone feel better, it could be that if you’re firing on all cylinders and he’s feeling left behind, he’ll take that out on you.

He might be filled with pride for how well you’re doing at work or in your business, but at the same time, it might remind him of all the things he’s not doing with his life.

He could be dealing with self-esteem issues, lack of opportunity or he might actually be worried that he’s not good enough for you and is doing what he can to turn this situation into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

He might think YOU’RE going to leave him and he wants to be in control fo when and how that happens.

Again, his behavior is not excusable, but there might be some really good reasons for why he’s acting like this toward you.

If you know this is new behavior for him, sit him down and talk to him about your concerns.

It’s likely something that has nothing to do with you, but that he’s taking out on you because he can’t cope with it.

It doesn’t make it okay for him to treat you like a dump station and lay all his crap on you like that, but if you care about him, you’ll take the time to understand where he’s coming from.

Then you can decide whether or not it’s worth sticking around for to fix or if it’s time to move on.

Our behavior is a mirror image of our thoughts, but our thoughts are often filled with fear, rejection, and lack of self-esteem.

You can have an open mind and make sure you are treated with respect in the same conversation.

Decide what you want and then have that conversation when you’re ready.

5. You Don’t Serve to be Treated Badly

There will come a point where you will realize you don’t deserve to be treated like this and you’ll find your way out of the relationship.

For so many women, the fear of being alone is enough to make them stay in a relationship that is bad for them.

One piece of advice is to remember that you weren’t born with this guy on your hip and you were doing perfectly fine without him before.

It doesn’t make it easier, but getting some perspective on someone who treats you poorly and remembering a time when you didn’t have to walk on eggshells or change who you were so someone else could be who they are is a good exercise in decision-reflection.

You get to choose how to handle this, not him.

And remember, there’s not much you can do to get him to treat you better. He decides to treat you like this all on his own.

And here’s the kicker: the more you try to change him, the less he’ll want to change and the more he’ll probably blame you for the way he is.

He has to come to that decision all on his own.

So the only thing you can do here is tell him how you feel and take ownership of your feelings.

Express what you need and want from him and if he can’t give it to you, it’s time to move on.

6. It’s Common to Blame Others for One’s Own Problems

Unfortunately, one of the most common coping mechanisms that people have for dealing with stress and disappointment in life is to blame someone else for the way they feel.

If your partner has been chronically blaming you or irritated by you, it probably has nothing to do with you at all.

While that should make you feel better, the truth is that it doesn’t because you’ve just graduated from something’s wrong with me to something’s wrong with them and you’ll want to fix it.

Only your partner can decide to fix their problems and stop projecting their unhappiness onto you.

7. It’s Not Going to Happen Overnight

Even if the thing that set them off seemed to happen out of nowhere, it’s hard for people to return to a normal state after being on edge for so long.

A lot of the delay in getting back to normal is caused by mistrust.

If your partner doesn’t trust in themselves or the situation they have found themselves in, this lingering feeling of nothing is good enough is going to stick around for a while.

If you choose to stay in this relationship, you both need to figure out how to move forward in a way that doesn’t make you feel like a punching bag and in a way that ensures your partner takes responsibility for their feelings.

It’s a learning curve and many couples don’t make it out of these situations in one piece. It has to come from both sides if the decision to move forward together is made.

8. It’s Probably Been Going on A lot Longer Than You’re Letting On

One of the good things that can come from a situation like this is that it forces you to sit down and be realistic and honest about your relationship.

You might come to find that your partner has been treating you this way for a lot longer than you realize or let on and it’s caused a lot more problems than you wanted to admit before.

If you’ve hit a breaking point with this relationship, another outburst or blame session might be the thing that does you in.

It’s important to have these conversations with your partner so they can understand how this is impacting you.

It’s a revelation for a lot of people to learn that they’ve allowed someone to mistreat them for so long and it can be empowering when you finally make the decision to move forward in a way that serves you, not just maintains the peace and status quo.

9. You Have to Decide What You Want

Because you can’t force someone to change their ways, you will eventually have to have a hard conversation with yourself about what you want and need.

So many people bury their heads in the sand to avoid conflict or confrontation but exploring how you benefit from this situation might be an eye-opening reflection you need to decide to move on to greener pastures.

While encouraging break-ups is not the intention here, it is important for you to understand your role in this situation: you’re allowing that person to treat you like this.

At any time, you can stop allowing it to be a part of your life. And unfortunately, that might require a separation or break up.

A good way to assess the outcomes is to ask yourself this question: if I could be happy with them or without them, which would I choose? And then be brutally honest with yourself about the answer.

Often anger and frustration comes from an internal place and not because of external stimuli.

Your partner might need to seek help for their anger or frustration and you might need to find ways to support them through it. The choice is yours. Always.

10. Want To Make Your Husband Feel Better? Make Him Feel Like a Hero

If you want your husband to stop being so angry and irritable all the time, you must make him feel like your provider and protector, and someone you genuinely admire.

In other words, you have to make him feel like a hero (not exactly like Thor though).

I know it sounds a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.

And I couldn’t agree more.

But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a provider.

Men have a thirst for your admiration and respect. They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and service, provide and protect her. This is deeply rooted in male biology.

And the kicker?

A man won’t fall in love with a woman when this thirst isn’t satisfied (this could be part of the reason your husband is angry all the time).

He wants to see himself as a provider. As someone you genuinely want and need to have around.

If you don’t make him feel this, he will feel like less of a man. Emasculated. And your husband will lose interest in you over time.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct. This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.

Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.

A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.

How?

You have to find ways to make him feel like your hero. There’s an art to doing this which can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do. But it requires a little more work than just asking him to fix your computer or carry your heavy bags.

The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.

If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.

When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed, long-term relationship with you.

The hero instinct is a subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make him feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.

Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.

Top tip:

Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, this is one of them. That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct.

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Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 6 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.
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