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“My ex-girlfriend hates me but I love her” — 22 tips if this is you

Splitting up is hard, no questions on that. But isn’t it great to have your ex wanting you back? The question is, How?

Yes, she hates you now for the unspeakable things you’ve done. But when it comes to breakups, a woman usually doesn’t hold on to hate for very long at all.

Before you know it, you’ll find yourself *gradually* winning her back.

In this article, let’s narrow things down — the reasons why your ex hates you, things you can do to win her back, and how to move on when she finally says she wants to go.

5 reasons why your ex-girlfriend hates you

The way to win back a woman who hates you is to reverse the reason for her hate.

But there are hundreds of reasons why your ex-girlfriend hates you, and the fact that there is such a multitude of reasons means that you are not alone.

It’s not only YOU who have screwed up, and I want you to understand that it is okay that you’ve made some mistakes.

In fact, it’s actually pretty normal for a couple to argue on things and to temporarily hate each other.

Here are 5 common reasons why your ex-girlfriend hates you:

1) You promised you would change — but you never did

If you made some mistakes in the relationship, that is normal.

But if you made mistakes and never truly fixed them, then it’s also normal that a woman would want to break up with you or hate you.

Mistakes are part of any relationship. As couples, you grow and learn to improve together over time. But along the way, you will commit mistakes, either in your communication style or behavior.

What makes a man worth coming back to for a woman is when he is mature enough to learn and grow from his mistakes.

So, if you are in a situation now where you’re saying, “My ex-girlfriend hates me but I still love her. What should I do?” that could mean that you committed this mistake before and you promised to make up for it or to change your behavior. But you never did.

And now you’re on your own, wondering where to get that potion that would make her forgive you and want you back again.

2) You have been bombarding her with messages and calls

When a guy feels shattered for being left by a girl he loves, he will often find it difficult to stop himself from constantly texting or calling her.

But here’s the thing…

Repeatedly contacting an ex immediately after the breakup can make things even worse.

When a guy does this, he is showing off how emotionally insecure he is, which is a turn-off among women.

Why? Women are usually attracted to emotional strengths — such as confidence and high-self esteem — and turned off by weaknesses, like insecurity.

Also, when you constantly contact your ex-girlfriend right after the breakup, you will be so caught up in your emotions that you could say things that would instead make the situation worse than it is.

3) You became very insecure

While other guys, when they get broken up with their women, accept it and try to improve themselves before contacting their ex again, the majority of men can’t handle breakups like this.

They’re just not emotionally strong enough or they lack the relationship experience to know how to deal with a situation like that.

So, if you became emotionally insecure at the end of your relationship with her (e.g. crying, pleading, playing victim and blame game, etc.) even if it was your fault that the relationship sank, then your ex-girlfriend’s hate for you will probably last a long time.

4) You broke her trust

Without trust, a relationship simply cannot float for a long time.

For a couple to stay together for life, they need to be able to trust each other.

So if a woman feels that she can’t trust or rely on you anymore, she will begin to lose hope in the relationship’s future.

There are many ways that a man may have broken a woman’s trust, and cheating on her is the worst kind there is.

5) She’s sick of giving you chances

When a woman begins hating you, it can be because she has come to the point where she finally gets tired of giving you chances.

She may have been sticking up for you for years by telling her friends and family that she believed you would change, but she’s now at the edge where she simply runs out of excuses for you — and she doesn’t even believe anymore that you would change.

At this point, your ex-girlfriend will begin to hate you for making her look like an idiot and seem so weak because she has put up with you for so long.

How to win your ex-girlfriend back

Now after realizing that your ex-girlfriend hates you but you still love her very much, you’re wondering how you can win her back.

Well, I’m here to help. There are two things you need to do:

  • First, prepare yourself.
  • Second, make strategies in engaging with your ex-girlfriend again.

Preparing yourself…

1) Follow the no-contact rule

Determine a set amount of time — typically 21, 30, or 45 days — where you will no longer interact with your ex.

During this span of days, you are not to initiate contact or respond to her at all.

This will give both of you space to heal and, hopefully, give your ex-girlfriend time to miss you.

And if the relationship ended badly, this period will allow both of you to cool off and work through any hurtful feelings.

2) Don’t engage with her on social media

Even if you no longer talk to your ex, seeing her pictures on social media and knowing what she is doing will make you want to contact her again.

When you constantly get updates about her life through social media, it becomes harder for you to resist contacting her.  So if you need to deactivate your accounts or unfriend her on social media, then you should.

Also, as much as possible, you do not have to let your ex-girlfriend know that you are taking these steps to win her back.

This means, never post how sad or depressed you are about the breakup either.

3) Evaluate the relationship

Since you are no longer talking to your ex, you can spend some time thinking about the relationship.

It may be helpful to write down a  pros-and-cons list on a piece of paper, as this will help you evaluate everything.

Think about the things that you did well and things that you messed up. Also, think of the things you can improve and do differently if you get another chance with her.

4) Take care of yourself

Strive to be the best version of yourself, as this will make you more attractive to your ex when you contact her again.

Be mindful of your diet, and do exercise. If you can, indulge in activities that you did not have time to do when you were in a relationship — such as volunteering, playing video games, reading, etc.

Of course, it’s also okay if you do not feel like going out a lot or being social. You have to do what you feel is needed to heal from the relationship.

Hence, you can start by meditating, journaling, playing instruments at home, or spending time alone listening to music, podcasts, etc.

If there are personality issues that you think contributed to the fall of your relationship such as anger, jealousy, insecurity, or being controlling, start to work on those things.

If you need to, seek professional help.

5) Avoid talking negatively about her

Badmouthing one’s ex is a common scenario after a toxic breakup.

So be careful not to say things that you do not really mean. Saying bad things about her to anyone, even your family or close friends is definitely not helpful.

If your ex finds out — and she will, eventually — what you have been saying about her, you may ruin your chances of winning her back.

Therefore, do your best to keep mum on the details of your relationship.

Refrain from sharing things about your relationship on social media as well. This includes cryptic messages such as song lyrics, quotes, or video clips.

Engaging with your ex-girlfriend…

1) Contact your ex

Once the no-contact period is over and you have done all the preparations stated above, it’s now time to reach out to your ex.

When you decide to message her via email, it’s best to structure your message.

Tell your ex that you have accepted the breakup, apologize for the mistakes you’ve made, and say something interesting that happened to you since the breakup.

If you send a text message, try sending a conversation starter — which is flirty in nature and does not bring up anything negative.

For instance, you might say “Hey, I was passing by X cafe and it made me think of you :)”

But remember, your initial contact with her should not mention getting back together or that you wish she were by your side again.

2) Admit your mistakes and apologize

At this point, you should have already evaluated your relationship. Hence, you have realized what went wrong in it and how you played a part in its downfall.

Now’s a good time to admit to your mistakes and apologize to her.

This will show your maturity, and it will make her see that you’ve really put a lot of thought into what happened between the two of you.

Also, through this, she will begin to see how you have taken steps to become a better person.

It’s best to do this in person or via call, not through texting.

3) Ask her on a date

Now that you’ve started communicating again, ask her if she would like to go on a date or hang out with you.

But be very casual and polite when you ask her. You can start with the famous “Do you want to go get coffee or something?”

Also, when you invite her, it’s better to use “hang out” instead of “date.”

And if she does not want to meet up with you yet, do not push it. Give her space instead, and tell her you’re just there if she changes her mind.

4) Woo her again

For you to win her back, you have to do — this time, even better — all of the things you did to make her like you the first time.

If you used to write her poems or send flowers, start doing those things again.

Think of it as if you’re in a new relationship — you need to make her fall for you again.

Just a caveat, though, although you want to impress her, do not be too needy. This will only make you look insecure or weak — and women don’t like that.

5) Avoid bringing up the past

You have just started your relationship all over again, so make sure to make it a positive experience for both of you.

If there’s one thing you can bring up from the past, it’s those positive things that made your relationship work the first time around.

If you won her over with your comedic acts, then continue to make her laugh. If she loved your cooking, prepare a great meal for her.

Focus on creating new memories with her. She needs to see how things will be different with this second chance.

6) Start slowly

When you get back together, treat it as a new relationship. You cannot pick up where you left off.

Get to know each other again, and take your time doing that. No pressure. No overwhelm.

Just focus on building a strong friendship.

Having said that, you should not text or call every day. Propose to do activities together. Date her often, and learn her likes, dislikes, and habits again.

Lastly, you shouldn’t rush on the physical aspect of the relationship and instead, spend more time talking.

7) Know when to give up

If your ex completely ignores all of your efforts, you need to respect her decision.

If she tells you to let go of her or that she has moved on, you need to move on as well.

If she has a new boyfriend, respect her new relationship. Do not try to convince her to break up with her new boyfriend.

Know when it’s time for you to go and move forward with your life.

5 ways to forget an ex you still love

Nothing can obstruct your view of a happier future than a lingering relationship wound.

We’ve all been there: having a good love gone bad is excruciatingly painful. And it doesn’t really matter what caused the downfall, or who was right and who was wrong.

What matters is it hurts, and that the pain is preventing you from moving forward.

While time heals all wounds, there are five steps you can take that will help you in the process:

1) Cut off contact

No, you do not need to be friends with your ex.

Keeping an ex in your life isn’t the sole measure of maturity; knowing how to take care of your mental and emotional well-being is.

Depending on the circumstances, being friends with your ex may eventually be possible, but it can never genuinely happen until you have healed through all the pain — which usually takes more time.

During a difficult breakup, you have to be your own best friend.

You have to protect yourself by maintaining healthy boundaries with matters of the heart and your other life affairs.

If you have to remain in contact because of your shared obligations — like children — know that there is a stark difference between being friendly and being friends.

Being friends means two people genuinely care about each other and have the other person’s best interest at heart.

However, being friendly means that you choose to value the love you both shared and honor that time in your life by treating the other person with kindness and respect — but you do not expect the other person to do the same.

2) Let go of the fantasy

There is always a reason behind each relationship ending. And it is rarely a complete surprise because generally, the problem has been going on for a while.

More often,  there’s a long list of what each person did or didn’t do that led to all the fighting and the eventual breakup.

But the truth is, most people don’t feel sad over the relationship they actually had. They are mourning over a relationship they thought they could have had if things had just been handled differently.

And that relationship didn’t exist — you have to let go of that dream.

Things change, and so do people. All relationships are great in the beginning — otherwise, they would have never started — but the whole value of a relationship is what it has become from its beginning to end.

When we are under a hurtful breakup, especially when we still love the person, all the painful memories we may have had during the relationship get sidelined by our longing for the good times.

To get past this stage of coping, try writing down every painful thing you can remember that you encountered during the relationship and read it to yourself  — until you can recall the hurtful feelings.

It may seem counterproductive, but let me explain. The point here is not to suddenly become angry at her.

But this will help you remember the full truth of the relationship — and perhaps, make you see a tinge of the reason why it had to end.

3) Make peace with the past

Learn to forgive yourself for what happened in your relationship.

The damage has been done, and what you can do now is to respect your ex-girlfriend’s choice — to set her free.

It will take time, but it’s needed to avoid further damage in other areas of your life, like your relationship with your friends, family, and everyone around you.

4) Know it’s alright that you still love her

Love is never wrong — when someone comes into your life and allows you to experience love, that is always a rare gift.

Is it a sign of maturity, however, to recognize that love alone isn’t always enough to make a relationship work.

Breakups do happen.

But sometimes, the only way to move on from someone is to love her enough that you want the best for her — even if that means letting her go.

Let the romantic love you felt evolve into a new form — a love that encompasses caring and compassion for the person who once played an important role in your life. This will help facilitate your healing process.

Another good way of dealing with pain is to change how you view a relationship ending. Look at it as a transition instead of a complete loss.

Because the truth is, all the relationships we have in life last forever.

They will remain in our memories, in the feelings we have when we think of them, in who we have become because of them, and in the lessons we got from them.

5) Love yourself more

You can’t expect someone else to treat you better than you treat yourself.

If you think you aren’t capable of doing this, you may need to enlist the help of a professional.

Self-forgiveness is an important part of healing.

Yes, there may be things you could have done differently to save the relationship, but it is impossible to know what different outcomes could have been.

So stop blaming yourself.  Instead, choose to turn the pain into gain.

Every relationship can teach us something about ourselves — only if we let it.

Cut yourself some slack. You have done what’s within your capacity to win back her heart, but that’s just it. She is just so done with it.

And you should love her enough to be ready to let her go.

And you have to love yourself enough, too, to let go of your anger and resentments.

Remember, just because a relationship end doesn’t mean it’s a complete failure. If you grew as a person and learned something useful in your life ahead,  then it served a purpose — and was a success!

Here’s to loving yourself more!

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Written by Roldan Campuso

Roldan Campuso is a college instructor-slash-freelance writer based in the captivating city of Cebu, Philippines. He was the editor-in-chief of his university’s publication back in his college days, and he has won several competitions in the essay and feature writing categories. As the third of six siblings and an INFJ, he spent most of his childhood reading fiction, writing poetry, and observing people.

Roldan’s love for writing general life advice stems from his “lack of mentor” growing up and his constant questioning approach toward the status quo.

Anyone who knows him knows that when he’s not answering calls or coming out of his room, he’s either busy writing or fantasizing about a life full of adventure. When he’s not home, he’s most certainly in the forest or by the seashore - marveling at the sound of the crashing waves and wondering how migratory birds know when it’s time to go.

Feel free to contact him through his email: [email protected]

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