My boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with him and it really sucks.
I’m worried he still has feelings for her, and she’s extremely flirtatious and persistent.
Here’s what to do if you’re in a similar predicament.
What to do when your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with him
1) Do not confront her or take the bait
If you’re wondering what to do when your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with him, let me advise you not to do the first thing that comes to mind.
For most of us, that’s to message his crazy ex online or find where she works or lives, and confront her directly.
Please don’t do this. It will end really badly.
“Short phrases or mantras can help you keep control over your emotions. You can say or think something like ‘Everything will be ok’ or ‘I’ve got this’.
“If you are feeling targeted or insulted by another person, remind yourself that they are probably not trying to hurt you. You can think to yourself, ‘They don’t mean what they say. They’re angry and upset too. This is probably all a misunderstanding’.”
Maybe the ex does mean to hurt you. But even so, don’t take the bait.
Even if you succeed in intimidating your boyfriend’s ex or making her feel bad, it’s not going to actually lessen her feelings for your guy.
It will also increase her resentment of you and the chance that you have a future confrontation.
Even if she’s messing around online and doing all sorts of dirty tricks, do not stoop down to her level and let her provoke you.
Not only will it not work to hit back in this way, it will likely cause your boyfriend to lose some respect and attraction for you.
Although, one good thing about his ex obsessing over him is that you know he’s not obsessed with her.
2) Avoid her in public and around mutual friends
Before you get into proactive ways to shut down his jealous ex, you need to avoid run-ins with her.
If she’s jealous of you and wants your boyfriend back with her, then she’s possibly tracking your schedules, public activity, and more. This can cross into the creepy zone very fast, as you can imagine.
For this reason, you need to do your best to stay away from this jealous woman and avoid bumping into her in public or anywhere else.
Drop exercise classes you have which include her.
Ask to be transferred if you’re in a class at college with her.
Do not sit near her at church or meditation groups you attend.
If you do see this obsessive omega female out in public and start to panic, don’t worry. You can always go to an immediate fall-back option: pretend to be asleep.
“Obviously this doesn’t work if you are walking, but if you are on public transportation then you can just nod off.
Just be sure you don’t actually fall asleep and miss your stop,” advises Cashie Rohaly.
You want to put as much distance between you and her as possible in a discreet but effective way.
3) Freeze her out on all social media
In terms of action steps, you want to unfriend and unfollow this jealous ex wherever possible.
If you are in touch in some way online, stop. Do not give her any inroads into your online social presence or digital life.
Untag yourself in photos she has. Block her email so she gets a bounce back when she tries to contact you.
Get your boyfriend to also cut her out of his social media life.
If that’s more than he’s willing to do at this point, then get him to “mute” her. She won’t know, and he’ll be spared the stalking.
There are some really effective ways to ignore people on social media without them even noticing.
Jakarta Post has good advice about how to block that person you don’t want to hear from on all your social apps without them realizing, writing:
“It’s not just on Instagram — we have that kind of friend on Twitter, Facebook, and messenger apps.
“Fortunately now, there is a way to mute them for a while on all social media and messenger apps. According to Popular Science, they will not realize that their updates are being ignored, while our social feed becomes quieter.”
4) Get your boyfriend to cut all ties
This is related to the last point, but it’s key.
Get your boyfriend to unfriend her on social media and avoid her in person as well.
No more friendly chit-chat between him and her at the grocery store or overlapping visits to the library.
They’re done, and he’s either with you or he’s with her.
One of the ways that you can sometimes test this is by asking about his ex.
“Bringing ‘her’ up in conversation occasionally, just to see your boyfriend’s reaction… And then scanning his face for any visible signs of longing.”
Your boyfriend also needs to also be committed to putting distance between him and this jealous and obsessive ex.
It shouldn’t just be about you cutting her off, it should be him cutting ties as well.
If that makes you seem jealous?
Well, you’re not: you’re simply establishing reasonable boundaries between a man you love and an obsessive woman who wants to steal him from you.
That’s entirely reasonable on your part.
5) Communicate directly with the obsessive ex
This step should only be taken if the others are having no impact.
Send her a message, give her a call, or otherwise talk to her one-on-one.
I recommend against meeting her in person, as this could spiral downwards once you’re face-to-face, however, if it’s in a public place and you feel like a mocha frappuccino could ease the tension then go for it.
When communicating with the obsessive ex, try to make it about you and your guy, not about her.
Don’t blame or focus on her jealous, possessive behavior. Focus on the future you see ahead for you and your man.
Tell her respectfully that you and he think it best that you have a bit of distance from her for now.
6) Help set up his ex with someone new!
This can actually be a really positive way to resolve the situation.
It works especially well if you share a group of friends in common or know a friend-of-a-friend who you think the obsessive ex might like.
Introduce her and set her up.
Part of the reason she’s jealous is likely that she hasn’t met someone new who tickles her fancy.
You and your boyfriend can play a part in changing that by helping set her up with someone.
The best way to do a setup?
“It’s important to be upfront about how you met and how well you know the man to avoid any misunderstandings,” writes relationship expert Anna Schoening.
7) Take legal steps to stop the ex’s harassment
This is the last and most aggressive step you can take if you are dealing with what to do when your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with him.
If you’ve exhausted all other options and there’s nowhere else to turn it’s time to lay down the law.
Contact a lawyer and get a restraining order through the court system. This isn’t pretty, but unless the ex is an all-out psycho she will get the message loud and clear and back off.
Plus you’ll be able to walk around in public without wondering whether she’s somehow tracking him on his phone or following you.
The thing about a restraining order is that you do have to prove you are actually in fear of harm.
If the ex is simply annoying then you won’t be successful in obtaining this. If the ex has made threats or implied actual harm to you or your boyfriend then you may well be successful in having her legally restricted from being anywhere near you or him.
If you do decide to go this route, here’s a guide on what a restraining order can do for you from the Virginia State Court system.
“They are legal documents issued by a judge or magistrate to protect the health and safety of a person who is alleged to be a victim of any act involving violence, force or threat that results in bodily injury or places that person in fear of death, sexual assault or bodily injury.”
Shutting down his jealous ex for good (without breaking the law!)
If you want to know what to do when your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with him then take the above guidelines into consideration.
It’s fully possible to end his ex’s behavior without crossing the line.
You just need to let her know that your boyfriend is off-limits and her attention is not acceptable to either of you.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.