Is your relationship haunted by the dreaded ex-girlfriend? Does it make you doubtful as your boyfriend refuses to cut ties with her?
Dealing with the ghost of past girlfriends can be hard especially when your boyfriend still has feelings for her.
While it’s natural to feel weird, insecure, and bothered when your boyfriend still talks to his ex, there’s something you can do about it.
So before you burst into tears or dump him, here are things that you should do.
10 tips when your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex
So if your boyfriend is still relating to his former flame, here are ways you can handle this matter.
1) Find out why he’s talking to his ex-girlfriend
You have to consider why he’s connecting with her.
Are they working on a project together? Or maybe they decided to remain friends after their breakup as they’ve realized that realized their feelings were mostly platonic.
Here’s the thing,
When your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex, it could be that he has this emotional connection with his ex.
It doesn’t necessarily mean romantic or sexual. It could be that your boyfriend enjoys her company, she empowers and makes him feel good.
And it doesn’t mean he’s already cheating on you.
If you figured out that there aren’t any romantic feelings whatsoever, there’s no need for you to be jealous about it.
Under certain circumstances and if it’s truly platonic, there’s nothing wrong with remaining friends with an ex.
But if there’s no reason for them to be talking with each other frequently, and you can sense that he’s hiding something from you – then take it as a warning sign.
2) Acknowledge the situation openly
Don’t deny the fact that it bothers you or you feel insecure. But then, don’t blame your boyfriend if you feel jealous.
This simply means that you should communicate your fears with your boyfriend.
Pay attention to how he reacts and if he becomes defensive about it.
You may be tempted to act like there’s nothing to worry about. You may also get too clingy as you’re afraid that your boyfriend might run back from the arms of his ex, try to avoid this.
It’s better to be assertive and deal with this situation as calmly as possible.
Yes, you can tell him that his closeness with his ex is making you feel uncomfortable.
Communicate your fears and never allow any disagreements to intensify. This will help you and your boyfriend build a foundation of trust and honesty.
3) Take time to think about what’s going on
Even if you don’t like the reasons why your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex, take some time to calm down.
Before you get angry and react, consider what your response would be.
Try to avoid telling your boyfriend that you don’t trust him. For if he’s not doing anything wrong, your insecurity might create damage to your relationship.
But then if you’re certain that he’s flirting with his ex, you might just want to kick the guy to the curb.
Nothing can be more devastating than finding out that he’s cheating on you.
4) Consider the length of time since they broke up
Don’t jump to conclusions or think that they’re in a relationship just because something seems out of place.
Did your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend break up years ago before you even met each other? Then most probably, they did remain friends. And if this is the case, you have nothing to worry about.
But, if they did break up months ago or if they break up because of you, then it could mean something else.
If they split up recently, their lives are still entwined – and there could be some serious unfinished business between them.
So if they’ve only been apart for a couple of weeks and your boyfriend doesn’t want to cut ties with his ex, you may want to seriously address this with him.
5) Keep things in perspective
Overthinking and being paranoid can blow everything out of proportion.
If your boyfriend mentions his ex-girlfriend, try not to get jealous right away. Don’t imagine them hugging, walking together into the sunset, or having sex.
Keep in mind that what they had ended and you’re with him now.
Never question his love for you. And never compare yourself with this ex-girlfriend.
It’s best to put all thoughts of his ex out of your head so you can focus on your relationship.
Remember that being jealous over nothing can damage what you have.
But then if he’s still keeping their photos together and doesn’t want to delete them on his phone, something else is going on.
6) Approach the issue when you’re both in a good mood
Instead of bringing up the issue the moment you catch him talking to his ex, find the right timing.
And this means trying to resolve the issue nicely instead of giving him an ultimatum.
When your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his former flame and he knows that you’re jealous or angry about it, it would be hard for you to convince him that he’s in the wrong.
That’s because he’ll put up his defenses and reject all your thoughts and ideas.
Try this: Tell your boyfriend that being with him makes you happy and you’re grateful for him for being patient with you recently.
These will make him appreciate and encourage him to listen to what you feel.
From here, let him know whatever it is that’s bothering you and you’d like to know what he thinks about it.
Be honest. You can say that it hurts you very much when he connects with his ex as it constantly reminds you that he’s been intimate with her.
Hopefully, your boyfriend will acknowledge your pain.
And when he truly cares about you and your relationship, he’ll find a way to stop talking with his ex and focus on you.
7) Step back until he’s over her
I know this isn’t something you want to do. But it’s best to not get more romantically involved especially when he can’t get over his past.
Stepping back means avoiding going on dates and sleeping together.
When you become emotionally and romantically involved with someone who’s not over his previous relationships, it will be more painful for you when your needs aren’t met. You’ll feel neglected and cheated on.
So it’s best to stand back. But, you’re free to stay in touch.
And in the meantime, it’s best to focus on yourself.
- Do something that gives you peace and meaning
- Hang out with your girlfriends and family members
- Pamper yourself at the salon
- Hit the gym or do yoga and meditation
8) Do your best to meet each other halfway
If your boyfriend won’t let go of his connection with his ex-girlfriend no matter how good your approach is, try to find a way that you can both work with.
Your boyfriend probably insists that it’s purely platonic and that you have his complete trust.
In that case, you need to overcome your fears and worries – and accept that this ex will remain a friend.
But you have to make sure that your boyfriend is being transparent with you.
Even if you have trust issues or not, suggest if he’ll be happy to show you their conversations or at least share with you what they’re talking about. And if he brings you along to meet her in person, that’s better.
Give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt even if he’s taking the risk.
The thing is, there’s always this risk that he might have these feelings for his ex and cheat on you.
But then, if you communicate honestly, the chances of cheating and something going wrong is much lower than if you were to hide things from each other.
Take this as a challenge in your relationship.
For when you improve your perceptions of each other and have faith, the more successful your relationship will be for years to come.
9) Know when to leave
It’s difficult to end a relationship and leave the person you love most. And I know that leaving him is the last thing you’d ever want to do.
Hopefully, leaving him is the way to make him reflect on his behavior.
But don’t let him go when your only intention is to get what you want from him. Doing that is extremely manipulative and immature.
Only leave him when he’s being dishonest and doesn’t care about you at all. It’s not easy, but it would be best for both of you.
If there’s nothing to worry about him connecting with his ex, then you don’t have to fix anything.
But if your boyfriend won’t cut ties with his ex because he still has strong feelings for this woman, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship that you want.
Remember that leaving a relationship that doesn’t make you feel happy, secure, and valued will open the door to finding the right man you deserve to be with.
10) Make him feel afraid of losing you
If talking to your boyfriend and meeting him halfway doesn’t work, then give him an ultimatum.
Ideally, this isn’t an ideal way of making someone care and see your value – but you can give it a try.
Fair warning: Giving your boyfriend an ultimatum can backfire on you. It can make him angry and give him a reason to accept the breakup and leave you.
For when you give him an ultimatum, there’s no turning back.
Let me put a disclaimer here. I’m not saying that you use an ultimatum as a means of manipulation.
If this situation is making you unhappy and your boyfriend isn’t afraid of losing you, this ultimatum can be the way for him to know how much he cares about you.
Just give him an ultimatum when you know that he lacks self-awareness and has forgotten the wonderful relationship that you share.
Telling him that you’ll walk away (and mean it) can hurt him and make him see how you truly feel.
Hopefully, this ultimatum will serve as a wake-up call so he’ll realize how valuable you are to him – and make him fight for you and the relationship.
What to do now?
Trust and honesty are the foundation of a healthy, romantic relationship. It’s hard to establish this if your boyfriend doesn’t want to cut ties with his past lover.
It’s because keeping in contact with a former lover removes the focus away from your relationship. It’s like a distraction without any purpose. After all, any relationship can be threatened by an ex.
Know that some people can also part amicably and remain friends.
But if he leaves you for his ex, then maybe, he’s not the one for you.
And if he cares about you and your relationship, he’ll compromise and change. If he loves you, he’ll want the best for you.
Make him see what a great person you are – and tell him how wonderful he is for being there with you.
No matter what, be strong. Know your value – as you’re worthy to be loved.
Most importantly, love yourself.
Remember that you deserve to be loved equally in return.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.