Has your boyfriend suddenly become really boring?
Maybe if you’re honest, he was always a bit dull but recently it’s reached a whole other level.
There’s a difference between the spark fading from your relationship and simply finding your boyfriend boring.
It’s likely that the two will overlap though and we’ll look at both in this article.
We’ll begin by talking through some of the reasons why your boyfriend is boring the hell out of you, before tackling what to do about it.
8 reasons why your boyfriend is boring you
We’ve all had those dates where we’re willing the ground to swallow us up, rather than spend another minute listening to the coma-inducing story of the person sat opposite us.
Or is that just me?
But what if the person who is boring you to tears isn’t just another random tinder date you can easily delete from your life, it’s your own boyfriend? #awkward.
If you are wondering “why is my boyfriend so boring?”, here’s what could be going on…
1) You’re out of the honeymoon phase
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could stay in the warm glow of the “getting to know each other” stage forever?
The feelings we experience when we first start dating are driven by a chemical reaction.
It may not be the most romantic take on things but think of it like being drugged up at the beginning of a new relationship.
High levels of dopamine and a similar hormone, called norepinephrine, are released during the initial attraction. This potent cocktail is what makes you feel giddy, full of energy, and enthusiastic.
They’re what makes you so excited that you may even struggle to eat or sleep — which characterizes the “lovesick” phase.
In the early days, this rush of chemicals makes everything exciting, without even needing to try.
It’s new and it’s effortlessly stimulating — but all that dies down eventually and after a while, those drugs wear off. It’s just a reality that relationships change shape as time goes on.
Obviously, if you’ve only just started dating and you already find him boring, it’s a huge red flag.
But when you’ve been together a while, the shine wearing off may be a natural side effect of a long term relationship.
But it’s not all bad news when you reach the point where the butterflies and sparks have died down.
Even though it feels less exciting, it’s this stage that usually brings a deeper attachment. It’s at this time in a relationship when you move from a more shallow attraction into a more meaningful connection.
It might not be all as sexy or intoxicating as the first flush of romance, but being curled up on the sofa together in your comfy pants, for a lot of couples actually signals that they’re reaching new levels of intimacy.
Of course, the flip side to this comfort is that you can quickly slide into a routine which may make a life together seems a lot more boring.
2) You’re spending too much time together
Although there aren’t any rules about how much time you choose to spend together, it also isn’t so healthy to be glued at the hip.
When you see an old couple sitting silently in a restaurant together, are they so comfortable they don’t need to speak or have they just run out of things to say to one another?
Maybe it’s a bit of both.
Either way, whenever you do everything with someone else it can put a strain on the relationship.
When you haven’t got a lot else happening away from one another, it makes sense that you’ve got less to talk about when you are together. Too much of a good thing can get boring after a while.
Eat your favourite food every night of the week for a month and let’s see if it’s still your favourite by the end.
Variety is the spice of life and if you are spending every waking moment together, chances are your relationship will start to become void of any variety.
Sometimes, just a bit of time apart prompts you to miss your partner and appreciate them more when you see them.
3) You’re with him for the wrong reasons
Does your bf have underlying qualities that mean you’re prepared to overlook the odd patch of boredom?
For example, maybe he is boring every now and then but he showers you with love and affection, makes you feel supported and deeply listened to.
If so, these positive qualities could outweigh a lack of compatibility elsewhere.
Or are you bored right now because your relationship is only based on a superficial attraction?
Hey, no judgement. We’ve all been there.
Let’s face it, for a while at least, boring can be slightly more tolerable when it’s wrapped within 6 feet of tall dark and handsome.
At some point though, a physical connection isn’t going to be enough to hold a relationship together long term if your personalities just aren’t clicking.
Which is probably for the best, because looks always fade and what you’re left with is how well you get on.
Only you can ultimately decide if there’s enough in the relationship to want to stay or if the signs are telling you it’s time to move on. But it can be useful to question whether the connection runs deep or is pretty shallow.
Aka: He may not always be thrilling but you deeply respect and love him, versus, he’s void of all personality, but hey, he looks hot on your arm.
4) He’s gotten too comfortable
The sad truth is that a lot of relationships go downhill because one or both parties stop making an effort.
Keeping the spark alive takes work. It’s one of those catch 22’s of coupling up.
Even though a lot of us are actively looking to settle down, the reality of that life can be pretty boring when we’re living it.
Once he has wooed you, he may no longer feel like he needs to impress you anymore.
That may mean that romantic days out and flowers have somehow been replaced with TV dinners and doing the laundry together.
When we first start dating, we set out to make a good impression, which usually involves bringing out our best qualities.
After a while though, when we feel more secure, we may unconsciously have decided “the job is done, so now I don’t have to try anymore”.
If you find your man has morphed from the perfect gentleman into a total slob — he may have become just a little bit too comfortable.
5) You’re not triggering his hero instinct
As a self-proclaimed feminist, when I first heard about this new concept in relationship psychology — called the hero instinct — I’ll admit, initially alarm bells went off.
Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, it says that all guys have a biologically driven need to be a “hero” in their woman’s life.
And if you want a man to be his best in your relationship, it’s up to you to prompt and promote this natural urge in him.
I instantly pictured some BS damsel in distress routine that panders to the male ego.
But thankfully, it’s nothing like that. It’s far more practical and it really does make sense.
No matter how progressive we become in society about gender roles, biologically speaking there’s no getting away from the fact that men and women are different.
According to the theory, men have a strong evolutionary drive to:
- Have a meaningful life and feel appreciated
- To provide for those he cares about
- To be respected.
All perfectly reasonable things for anyone to strive for.
If he doesn’t feel like this is happening in a relationship that could be why you are getting the dull, watered-down or disinterested version of your man right now.
Luckily, you can quite easily start to trigger this instinct in him with a few small and practical actions. I’ll talk more about how exactly later in the article.
But I’d also recommend you check out this free video all about the hero instinct to learn more about it. It goes into way more detail and is super fascinating stuff.
Even if you’re skeptical like I was, I suspect also like me, it’s going to give you plenty of lightbulb moments about where past relationships could have gone wrong.
The hero instinct is probably the best-kept secret in relationship psychology. Watch the free video here.
6) He’s struggling with his mental health
If you’ve noticed a significant change in how your boyfriend is behaving, there could be something going on that’s making him this way.
If your man used to love socializing with others and was always up for an adventure, but has recently become withdrawn — he may be dealing with some symptoms of depression.
Over 30 per cent of men will experience an episode of depression at some time in their lives. But men may be less likely to seek help or talk about what they’re going through.
No longer finding enjoyment from the activities that used to bring pleasure is a sign of depression — along with things like feeling sad or low, difficulty sleeping and trouble concentrating.
Depression can also show up differently in men and women.
You might notice that your partner is drinking more, gets angry more easily, is avoiding social situations and family gatherings or is more controlling in your relationship.
Even if your boyfriend isn’t necessarily experiencing more severe mental health issues — like depression or anxiety — he could still have a lot going on right now.
Maybe he’s less up for doing things because he is exhausted from work or financial worries have left him disinterested in doing things he’d normally enjoy.
Stress brought about by life circumstances has the potential to put a huge strain on all of us from time to time.
7) You need to get a life of your own and stop living for him (ouch)
Whose responsibility is it when we find ourselves bored?
My mom always used to say “Only boring people get bored”.
As annoying as this phrase is (almost as irritating as when she would say “there’s plenty of fruit” whenever I complained I was hungry) — it does allude to the fact that when we’re unsatisfied, the responsibility ultimately lies with us to do something about it.
Tough love time…are you expecting too much from your other half?
They are your partner, not your childminder and they’re not responsible for keeping you constantly entertained.
Love is one of those intoxicating things that in the beginning we can quickly get so wrapped up in that we drop everything else.
Sometimes we end up spending less time with friends, give up the hobbies and activities we once enjoyed and slowly retreat into our little love bubble.
The problem is when that bubble bursts, we don’t have a lot else going on.
We then look to the partner that once upon a time used to keep us deeply enthralled by just being in our presence and we feel short-changed.
Making sure you still have a healthy and active life away from your boyfriend not only makes you less dependent on him as your sole source of fun, but it will also give you more to talk about when you are together.
We live in societies these days where we have become almost used to continuous stimulation — and it can actually make us a bit spoiled.
Some people can’t sit still for 5 minutes and do nothing.
Admittedly, nobody wants to date someone totally uninteresting but it’s also unrealistic to expect to be captivated every single moment you spend together.
8) He is boring — aka your personalities just aren’t compatible
In many ways I know I am a boring person.
I don’t have much interest in going out drinking. I’d usually prefer to spend quiet time in nature rather than going shopping or having dinner in the city.
I actively dislike gigs and concerts, especially when I don’t get a seat — what can I say, standing up for too long makes me grumpy.
I spend a lot of time just hanging out at home, not doing anything in particular.
On the other hand, I live semi-nomadically and have travelled all around the world.
I’ve lived in a tent at isolated beaches, taken Italian lessons in Turin, learnt to surf and followed some of the best waves on the planet, walked on broken glass, hiked up volcanoes, driven solo for 1000’s of miles across Europe, trained to become a yoga teacher in India…well, you get the idea.
So, am I boring?
The answer is, to some people absolutely and to others not at all. One person’s dull is another person’s fascinating.
Is the problem that your boyfriend is boring or that you and your guy simply aren’t suited?
The truth is that there is no such thing as “boring” — only different interests and tastes.
After all, who decides what boring is? Our personalities are subjective.
Is he boring if you want to go out partying but he wants to stay in and work on his stamp collection?
Sometimes once the initial physical attraction between two people starts to wear off, they realise that they don’t have so much in common after all.
Whilst opposites can certainly attract, you do need to enjoy or at least respect those differences.
If you don’t appreciate the qualities that make the person you are dating unique, you’ve got to face the fact that maybe you’re just not that compatible.
What to do if your boyfriend is boring
1) Talk to him and find out what’s going on
I don’t mean casually dropping into the conversation over dinner “Hey, how come you are so damn boring to be around lately?”
I mean tactfully discuss what may be going on in your relationship.
Let him know how you are feeling and find out if something, in particular, is up or what he thinks about it all.
You might uncover there’s something that he needs your support with or some other issue that is impacting his behavior right now. There may be some deeper issues at play in your relationship that you have to work on.
At the end of the day, you’re a team and if you really want it to work, you have to both be on the same side.
That means honestly communicating and tackling the issue together so you can move forward.
2) Trigger his hero instinct
Taking some responsibility for your (potentially) unsatisfactory relationship with a boring boyfriend means looking at ways that you can help bring out the best in him.
Remember we talked about the hero instinct earlier?
It says that a man wants to step up and earn your respect.
Not because he thinks you need saving (let’s face it, you clearly don’t) but because a relationship needs to provide meaning and purpose.
There aren’t so many wild animals around anymore that you need protecting from, so triggering his hero instinct needs to happen in other ways.
But the rewards for doing so could mean a more attentive, confident, contented — and in the process hopefully FUN partner.
Bye-bye boring BF, hello Thor style love God.
Here’s how you can start to trigger his hero instinct:
- Ask for his help on something (it helps him feel useful)
- Show him you appreciate what he does for you
- Big him up around his friends (don’t lay it on too thick of course)
- Encourage him to be his best self by giving him space and time for his other interests and supporting his passions.
This is just the tip of the iceberg really.
There’s a lot you can do to make sure you are encouraging your man so that you get the benefit of all his best qualities (rather than the boring ones that are showing up right now).
The best thing to do is check out this free video as it’s the clearest explanation you’ll get about it all.
The video reveals a step-by-step blueprint for triggering the hero instinct in your man — with the things you can say, texts you can send, and the little requests you can make.
3) Spend some quality time together
Especially when you’ve been together a while, you can find that you’re spending lots of time with someone, but not necessarily very much quality time together.
When you first start dating you do fun things together and give someone your full attention.
You have dinner dates at nice restaurants, you picnic in the park, you go rock climbing or to the theatre.
You’re way less likely to be bored when you’re engrossed in an activity.
But a year down the road and it can be a very different picture.
Instead of a fun-packed dating agenda, you may find that you hardly speak two words to one another as you mindlessly flick through the channels on the TV.
If part of the problem is that you aren’t doing as many fun things together as you once did, you can quite easily rectify this.
Create dedicated date nights, make sure you have phone-free dinner times so that you actually talk to one another, or consider starting a new hobby together.
Make a commitment to actually do things with one another where you can interact again on a deeper level again.
4) Show an interest in the things he enjoys
If boring to you simply means doing anything that you didn’t choose to do — be prepared to see things from his perspective.
Relationships involve compromise and we can’t always have everything our own way.
If you really care about him, take time to get to know and understand his interests and passions — even if you don’t share them. It might just bring you closer.
Hopefully, you don’t have a totally selfish boyfriend and he reciprocates the favour — becoming more attentive to the things you enjoy doing.
If nothing else, it will help you to work out whether you can find more common ground or if you’re just not compatible after all.
5) Remember what you saw in him in the first place
What brought you too together in the first place?
During relationship lows, it can help to remind yourself of his good qualities and all the things that first attracted you to him.
Admittedly, this is where you might reach a dead end if what you saw in him in the first place were some impressive biceps and an expensive car. After a while, it’s easy to get complacent and take what we have for granted.
Think back to when you met, what were the things you enjoyed doing together?
A little trip down memory lane may be what you need to help rekindle the spark.
6) Ask yourself, is he boring or are you bored when you’re around him? Because there is a difference
As we’ve discussed, the spark fading in a relationship or relying too heavily on your partner for entertainment can make you feel a bit bored — but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are boring.
But here’s another way that it may ultimately be more about you than them.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed that the people I don’t like are often people I don’t like myself as much when I’m around.
You know, those people who you’ve got absolutely nothing to say to even though you’re ordinarily quite chatty.
Or despite the fact you’re normally bloody hilarious and the life and soul of the party, you suddenly become drier than the Sahara desert. You got nothing. Nada.
The opposite is also true — the people who I feel like “bring out the best” in me, I end up liking more.
The people I enjoy spending time with are the people who allow me to be funny, by sharing my sense of humour. It’s people finding value in what I have to say, that makes me feel smart.
It’s kinda like the whole “if a tree falls but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” thing.
If we are interesting, clever, funny, etc., but there is no one around who gets it, are we still all those things?
It’s all a question of compatibility again.
When we aren’t spending time with the people who allow our own qualities to shine, we feel unstimulated and bored.
The bottom line if your boyfriend is boring
You’re going to have to work out if this is just a phase where, for whatever reason, things may feel a bit dull right now in your relationship, or if ultimately you just find your bf totally tedious.
If it’s the latter, then I have to ask, WTF are you doing dating someone who you really do think is boring?
There are quite literally millions of men out there and you are wasting both your time and his by staying in a relationship that you don’t value.
If it’s the former, it’s important to remember that even though we’re fed a fairytale of what love should look like, sadly, real life isn’t a rom-com.
Real romances go through ups and downs.
It’s more normal than you may think to go through patches where you’re bored out of your brain by your boyfriend or he annoys the hell out of you.
If this partnership is important to you, it’s worth trying to inject a bit of spice back into your relationship and to ride out a little bit of boredom along the way.
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