Mia Zhang
Relationships can be tricky, and even more so when insecurities come into play. It’s not uncommon for women to make certain mistakes in relationships without even realizing it.
Maybe you’ve found yourself overanalyzing your partner’s every word or feeling the need to constantly seek reassurance. These behaviors, though often driven by insecurity, can unfortunately push partners away.
Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains in his writings how insecurity can lead to behaviors such as excessive jealousy or emotional withdrawal, which may create distance rather than fostering closeness in a relationship.
When insecurity takes hold, actions like excessive jealousy, constant need for validation, or even withdrawing emotionally can start to erode the connection you have with your partner.
But how do you recognize these patterns and, more importantly, how do you change them?
Identifying these mistakes is the first step towards fostering a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
In the following sections, we’ll explore seven common mistakes insecure women make in relationships, helping you to become more aware and take steps towards positive change.
Ready to deepen your understanding and improve your relationship? Let’s get started.
1) Seeking constant validation
One common trait of insecurity is a constant need for validation.
When you’re not confident in your own worth, it’s easy to fall into the trap of seeking approval from your partner. This might manifest as incessant questions about your appearance, your actions, or your ideas, all with the underlying quest of affirmation.
But relationships are about partnership, not one-sided reassurance.
Constantly seeking validation can put an unnecessary burden on your partner, making them feel like they are responsible for your happiness. It can also signal a lack of self-esteem, which can be off-putting.
Remember, your worth in a relationship isn’t determined by how many compliments you receive or how much your partner reassures you. You are valuable just as you are.
Understanding this mistake is the first step towards healthier self-esteem and a more balanced relationship.
2) Overthinking every word and action
Personal experience has taught me that overthinking can be a silent relationship killer.
As someone who’s battled insecurities, I found myself constantly over-analyzing every word or action of my partner, searching for hidden meanings or signs of disinterest.
There was a time when my partner casually mentioned that he was going to meet an old friend for coffee. Instead of seeing it as a normal catch-up, my insecurities led me to question if he was losing interest in me. I spent hours overthinking, creating scenarios in my mind that were far from the reality.
Overthinking can create problems where there are none and can make you react to situations based on imagined fears rather than facts.
It’s essential to understand that not everything has a hidden subtext, and it’s okay to take things at face value. Trust is crucial in a relationship and overthinking can undermine it. It’s a hard habit to break, but recognizing it is the first step towards overcoming it.
3) Struggling with jealousy
Jealousy is a common emotion experienced by everyone at some point. However, when you’re insecure, it can take on a life of its own.
Insecurity often leads to an irrational fear of losing a partner. This fear can spark jealousy even over the most trivial matters. From an innocent conversation with a coworker to time spent with friends, jealousy can creep in and cause arguments and misunderstandings.
Research has shown that individuals who are sensitive to rejection are more likely to perceive threats in their partner’s interactions with others, leading to feelings of jealousy, anger, and rejection.
This heightened emotional reactivity can contribute to negative dynamics in relationships, particularly when both partners are sensitive to perceived rejection.
4) Trying to change for your partner
Insecurity can sometimes make you feel like you’re not enough. This feeling might lead you to change who you are to fit what you think your partner wants.
Whether it’s altering your appearance, giving up hobbies you love, or changing your behaviour, trying to mold yourself into someone else can be a significant mistake.
Sure, compromise is part of any relationship, but it should never come at the cost of losing your individuality.
Trying to change for your partner isn’t going to resolve your insecurities; it may even amplify them. The key lies in embracing who you are and recognizing your worth.
5) Avoiding conflicts
Nobody enjoys conflict, but it’s a natural part of any relationship. For a long time, I would avoid it at all costs, believing that any disagreement would lead to the end of my relationship.
My insecurity made me fear that expressing my concerns or disagreements would push my partner away. So, I’d suppress my feelings and nod along, even when I felt hurt or disagreed.
But avoiding conflicts doesn’t keep the peace; it merely sweeps issues under the rug. Over time, these unresolved issues can build resentment and put a strain on the relationship.
It took me a while to learn that it’s okay to disagree and speak up about my feelings. Respectful disagreements are healthy and can lead to growth and understanding in a relationship. Your voice and feelings matter, and expressing them doesn’t make you any less lovable.
6) Seeking control over your partner’s life
Insecurity can sometimes lead to controlling behaviour. You might find yourself wanting to know your partner’s every move, or feeling upset when they do things independently.
This could range from getting upset if you’re not included in their plans, to needing to know who they’re texting or talking to. It’s an attempt to protect the relationship from perceived threats, but it can actually do more harm than good.
Controlling behaviour can suffocate your partner and cause tension in the relationship. Giving your partner space to maintain their independence is not a threat; it’s a sign of a strong, secure relationship.
7) Neglecting self-care
When you’re insecure, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in your relationship that you neglect to take care of yourself. You might stop doing things you love, spend less time with friends, or put your own needs on the back burner.
Taking care of your mental and physical health is crucial. It boosts your self-esteem and makes you a happier, more balanced person. This, in turn, reflects positively on your relationship.
Investing time in self-care it’s necessary. So, make sure to take care of yourself, for the sake of your relationship and most importantly, for yourself.
Final thoughts: It begins with you
Insecurity in relationships often stems from a lack of self-love and acceptance. By recognizing and addressing these mistakes, you can start to nurture a healthier self-image.
Relationships are actually about sharing love and happiness, not validating your worth or filling a void. You are enough, just as you are; your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.
So I encourage you to reflect on your relationship with yourself. Remember that self-love isn’t just about pampering yourself; it’s about acknowledging your worth, accepting your flaws, and striving for growth.
You deserve a relationship that adds to your happiness, not one that validates it. It starts with you.
