Pearl Nash
If I asked you what you regret the most or what’s a regret you never want to feel again, you’ll probably have an answer.
Regret is a feeling a lot of us are familiar with. Even those in the habit of not having regrets have, at some point, known what it felt. After all, regret doesn’t discriminate against who it wounds.
All sexes, all genders, all ages, all races, everyone.
And when it hits, it manifests in ways that can be obvious to others.
Today, though, we’re focusing on the guys.
In this article, we’ll talk about the behaviors that men usually display when they are secretly living with regret.
Here are 9 of them.
1) He has changes in his appetite
In this paper titled “Neurohormonal Regulation of Appetite and its Relationship with Stress: A Mini Literature Review”, the authors concluded that:
“Stress can result in decreased food intake if high-calorie, palatable food is not available. In the presence of high-calorie palatable foods, stress results in increased food intake. This stress-induced hyperphagia can partly be explained by the rewarding and stress-relieving potential of food.”
Simplistically, a change in appetite, whether eating more or less, is a big sign of stress.
If you know that he just made a big decision and his eating patterns suddenly shift, then he might be stressing out and regretting it.
2) He is losing sleep
Speaking of stress, sleeping habits will also be heavily affected by it. It’s a vicious cycle of being stressed because of a lack of sleep and then losing sleep because of stress.
Dr. Annise Wilson, assistant professor of neurology and pulmonary, critical care and sleep medicine at Baylor College of Medicine said:
“High levels of stress impair sleep by prolonging how long it takes to fall asleep and fragmenting sleep. Sleep loss triggers our body’s stress response system, leading to an elevation in stress hormones, namely cortisol, which further disrupts sleep.”
And if he is stuck in this loop, there must be a problem. Once again, if this happens after he makes a decision, he’s likely overthinking the outcome.
3) He brings up the past a lot
A time before a regretful decision is something that he misses. In this longing, he might bring up the past a lot.
He will linger on memories, even if they no longer serve them. He will have trouble parting with objects, ideas, or people that remind him of better times.
He will keep these feelings close to his chest, coming out of conversations without him realizing it.
4) He fears the future
Does he fear making decisions? Does he freeze over the “what ifs”? Is he putting off present decisions because of uncertainty?
He might be fearing the future. He’s anticipating failures before they happen.
“Anticipatory anxiety describes fear and worry around bad things that could happen. It can happen in a lot of different contexts, but it commonly focuses on things you can’t predict or control,” says this article on Healthline about anticipatory anxiety.
And if he fears the future, then he might be fearing making the same mistakes that resulted in the regrets he currently holds.
5) He’s on autopilot
He’s there but he’s… really not? He wakes up, he goes about his day, then he sleeps. Rinse and repeat.
Sounds familiar? He might be living on autopilot.
In this article from Stylist UK, Dr Jeanina Mahrenholz, a consultant psychologist at Chelsea P. Medical Clinic said:
“Although when on autopilot there is in essence no sense of control to live one’s life as desired, the individual might not always be aware of this. Oftentimes one has to find awareness through acknowledging the exhaustion, anxieties or even experiencing burnout.”
Living with regret can be a likely cause of his “alive but not living” circumstance. His heart might still be tethered over that “what if”.
6) He fears change
“Metathesiophobia is the fear of change, which may be rooted in a human desire to keep life in a comfortable and consistent place. When life is in constant upheaval it can be stressful, and so for this reason some people may prefer for it to stay consistent.”
– Calm.com | How to overcome fear of change: 8 ways to navigate the unknown
Maybe his fear of change is not in phobia territory just yet but let’s talk about that fear just the same.
He fears being caught off guard. He fears shaking the status quo. He fears the potential of being uncomfortable.
These fears might stem from experience. These fears might have stemmed from living through a change and not liking what happened. These fears might have stemmed from not getting what he wanted.
These fears might have been born from regrets.
7) He’s irritable and could lash out
Is his mood all over the place? Is he being disagreeable with everything and everyone? Is he suddenly extremely sensitive to stimuli like smells and sounds?
Is he losing his temper over the smallest things? Lashing out unprovoked?
Sudden out of character irritability? Might be a stress response.
Same thing as the previous numbers, if he is post-decision making and this sudden shift occurred, he might be stressing and regretting it.
8) He’s jealous of others
Another sign of regret? He’s jealous of others. He’s envious of what others have.
His jealousy might make him unnecessarily criticize others, downplay their achievements, imitate them, hate them, or gloat over their mistakes.
Perhaps he’s jealous of what he thinks he could have had had he made a different decision. A lot of “what ifs” is tacked onto this jealousy.
9) He’s discontent with everything
In a way, everything listed in this article is connected. The discontent of the present will bloom into sleeplessness and irritability. The discontent makes his reality not good enough.
And he will express this discontent: A snide remark, a scoff, turning up his nose on what is available in favor of what he didn’t choose, always chasing the next best thing.
Nothing is ever worth his appreciation, fixated on what he didn’t decide upon.
Final thoughts
In summary, regret is a dish always served cold and bitter. If you can, please be kinder to those in the thick of it.
It’s so easy to drown in the waves of regret and having support to get through it is so, so important. Perhaps not always readily wanted, but with enough space given, it still is crucial.
Support and kindness will go far. So will forgiveness.
Even Psych Central agrees. They did an article about coping with regret and the section about forgiveness is crucial to hear:
“Regret often stems from the inability to cope with things you did or didn’t do. You might think you deserve the self-criticism and negativity, but that’s not true. Instead, forgiving yourself and practicing self-compassion can encourage self-improvement.”
Let’s repeat that: You might think you deserve the self-criticism and negativity, but that’s not true.
So to anyone who needs to hear this: You are not your regrets, rather, you are what comes after it. Learning comes after it, after that, grit.
And after that, hopefully, clarity.
