Men go through changes as they age, especially in what they’re looking for in a woman.
A guy of 20 is not looking for the same thing as a man of 65.
In early middle age, a man’s tastes generally begin to mature and his criteria of what he’s looking for in a woman changes from younger age.
As a man of 44, I know this well. What I’m looking for now is a lot different than what I was seeking in my 30s and my 20s.
10 qualities that men in their 40s want in a woman
1) Consistency and clear communication
Speaking as a man of 44, I can tell you that the top qualities that men in their 40s want in a woman revolve around trust.
I’ve had some disappointments and heartbreaks in the past that made me very hesitant to get too near to a woman romantically again.
Now in middle age I’m willing to take a calculated risk, but I’m not interested in being with a woman who plays games, has insane ups and downs or strings me along in various manipulative ways.
I’d like a girlfriend and a partner who does what she says and says what she does.
I’d like a woman who communicates clearly with me and values the same behavior in return from me.
It’s a lot harder to find than you might imagine.
2) Passion and a physical spark
I may be in my 40s, but I’m not all dry and shriveled up just yet. I also give great back rubs.
Before I let this article start sounding too much like a personal ad, let me just say that passion and a physical spark is important for me.
I’m not very picky about the age-rage of a woman I date, but I’d like there to be a physical spark.
We may not tear each other’s clothes off and hump like bunnies every second, and physical connection isn’t my primary objective. But it does matter to me quite a bit.
For that reason, I tend to avoid those who are just looking for a charming older guy with a dad bod to ride around on, but I also avoid the more matronly, settled down kind of women who would think a spider was crawling on them if they were touched by a man.
I’m looking for some physical fire, not only emotional and intellectual chemistry.
3) Compatibility and shared values
In my 20s I was basically looking for a good time. That turned serious a few times in my 30s but never really went anywhere.
Part of the reason is that I didn’t pay enough attention to shared values.
I was too busy thinking with what’s in my pants, if I’m being honest.
A big part of waking up to what I’m really looking for and living up to my own standards has been about paying more attention to my own track record.
There’s a reason past relationships have failed and it’s generally not big dramatic clashes, cheating or anything like that.
It’s simply a lack of shared values and compatibility.
Relationships can be confusing and frustrating. Sometimes you’ve hit a wall and you really don’t know what to do next.
I know that I was always skeptical about getting outside help, until I actually tried it out.
Relationship Hero is the best site I’ve found for love coaches who aren’t just talk. They have seen it all, and they know all about how to tackle difficult situations like dealing with high expectations in love.
Personally, I tried them last year while struggling a lot to find a
I was looking for in my 40s.
They managed to break through the noise and give me real solutions to stop being so perfectionist while still being true to what I was looking for.
My coach was kind, they took the time to really understand my unique situation, and gave genuinely helpful advice.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
4) Caring attitude and intimacy
I’ve been with several women who really didn’t treat me well. They weren’t that bad, really, but they basically treated me kind of coldly.
The rare moments of intimacy and warmth made me overly needy and codependent on their validation in a way I didn’t like.
I’m looking for a woman who’s naturally caring and intimate. Somebody who I don’t have to coax hugs out of or feel weird about caressing now and then while we watch a film.
I’m looking for a woman who’s comfortable with her feminine side in the classic sense, and who embraces her ability to be gentle, warm and loving.
Sure she can have a tough streak by all means, I love that.
But I’m not looking for somebody so ironed and pressed that she rarely smiles or hugs me while she’s already checking her phone.
Been there, done that. I’m looking for more!
5) Conversational and emotional chemistry
Earlier I touched on my desire for physical intimacy and a woman who can keep up with my drive.
I want a horse who’s hot to trot, so to speak.
Clearly emotional and conversational chemistry is also very important and becomes an especially important quality that men in their 40s want in a woman.
I’ve been in relationships where it was almost all physical. They were fun for about a week and then honestly started to feel really hollow.
I’d like to find a relationship that has both physical and emotional chemistry.
I’d also love it if I were able to have an engaging conversation, a shared sense of humor and a lady who I genuinely loved being around and didn’t get bored of.
By my age I’m done settling. I’m ready to upgrade to something real.
6) Intelligence and intellectual connection
The emotional and physical components are very important. But now by my 40s I’m also very interested in someone I find genuinely interesting.
She may not share my interest in going garage sale hunting on weekends to find rare antiques from early American colonial history, but she has her own interests and insights.
We don’t need to be Harvard University around here, but it would be great to have some intellectual stimulation and challenging talks going on.
Everyone has their own interests and focus and I think that’s great. I don’t need to find a woman who shares all my own interests.
But I’d love to find one who has her own particular interests and is willing to share them with me and have me talk about mine as well.
That’s a big part of the kind of sharing I’m looking to enjoy in a committed and serious relationship in the future.
7) Trustworthiness and dependability
Earlier I talked about the kind of dependable and consistent woman I’m looking for now that I’m a bit later in years.
I have many plans for the years ahead, but I’m no longer open to the slapdash kind of encounters and relationships I once was at a younger age.
I want someone who communicates clearly with me and whom I can trust.
We all let each other down at times, but one of my main criteria is somebody who makes those times as few as possible.
I vow to do the same for her.
My vision for the future is related to having a partner who I know I can trust, not somebody whose phone I want to check and who I have uneasy feelings about when she’s away from me.
I will also do my best to be that guy for my woman. That’s my promise to whoever I end up with.
8) A can-do attitude
I’m looking to retire in the next 15 years or so, and I have big ideas for my post-work life.
My last relationship became mired in a lot of negativity that really brought me down.
More specifically, my previous partner had an immune system disorder that caused her a lot of discomfort and made her really exhausted on many days.
I was as understanding and supportive as I could be, and worked with her to get through those struggles. It’s not her fault that she has a disorder.
But what got my goat was the way she embraced a kind of victim idea and self-pity. If you’d heard her tell it, she was the most victimized person in the history of the world since Job in the Bible.
I don’t have her disease. I’m sure it’s terrible. But this negative attitude really began wearing on me.
Now at 44 I’m looking for a woman with a can-do attitude. I don’t expect anyone to be problem-free or perfect, just to have a general approach to life of: bring it on.
There’s plenty of time to tap out and rest up once I’m dead.
For now I’m looking for a better half who shares my zeal for life and also wants to retire soon and do some amazing travels through Italian wine country and the Carpathian mountains.
Like I said, bring it on.
9) Future planning and vision
Retirement isn’t the only event I have planned for the future. I also want to eventually move to be closer to my adult son, who works as an engineer about a four-hour plane ride from where I’m currently living.
In that sense, I’d like to meet someone who is somewhat versatile and potentially willing to move as well.
I’d be fully open to compromising and being flexible on her future plans as well.
Relationships take time to build, and I’m willing to put that time in and not rush things.
For as fortunate as I might be to live longer in this fascinating world of ours, it’s worth it to me to put in the time and patience to really get to know someone and plan a future with them.
I’m quite optimistic, and I’d like to meet someone who also wants to share her life vision with me.
10) Women who have faced their demons
The kind of woman I’m open to meeting and getting serious with, is a woman who has faced her demons.
She may be divorced, single, blue collar, white collar or anything in between.
The outer characteristics are not truly what attract or repel me. It’s what she has at her core and the knowledge I have in looking at her that she’s faced down her own inner demons and won.
In my own life I’ve faced down some real demons, including a few years of alcoholism and a broken marriage.
Part of that struggle in my own life was due to my difficulty in being true to what I was looking for in love, which is why getting clear on who I want to find and why is so important for me now.
The fact is that many people avoid really thinking about what they want or don’t want and end up feeling like victims of love gone wrong…
Have you ever asked yourself why love is so hard?
Why can’t it be how you imagined growing up? Or at least make some sense…
When you’re experiencing frustration in finding what you want in relationships it’s easy to become bitter and even feel helpless.
You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.
I want to suggest doing something different.
It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.
In fact, many of us self-sabotage and trick ourselves for years, getting in the way of meeting a partner who can truly fulfill us.
As Rudá explains in this mind blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way that ends up stabbing us in the back.
We get stuck in awful relationships or empty encounters, never really finding what we’re looking for and continuing to feel horrible about things like never seeing the qualities we want in potential new love interests.
We fall in love with someone new, but only in an ideal version of someone instead of the real person.
We try to “fix” our partners and end up destroying relationships.
We try to find someone who “completes” us, only to fall apart with them next to us and feel twice as bad.
Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective.
While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find and nurture love for the first time – and finally offered an actual, practical solution to finding what we’re looking for in love.
If you’re done with unsatisfying dating, empty hookups, frustrating relationships and having your hopes dashed over and over, then this is a message you need to hear.
I guarantee you will not be disappointed.
More things to consider
A close friend of mine who doesn’t have kids recently opened up to me that he really would like to become a father. He’s 41.
His perspective is a bit different than mine, because I already have a grown son and I don’t want to have more kids.
In other words, my friend is looking for a woman young enough to still have kids safely. I suppose if he fell madly in love with a lady in her mid-40s then he’d be flexible on the idea, or at least think about being flexible.
But more or less he’s looking for a younger woman who doesn’t have kids yet, ideally.
In my case I honestly don’t mind settling down with a woman who already has kids. In fact I’d say it’s only fair in a way since I already have a son as well.
A man in his 40s is usually looking for a woman who will help him avoid the mistakes he’s made in love in the past. If he’s wise, then he’s not looking for perfection, just for progress.
That’s my situation, anyway.
Expectations aren’t easy
In my earlier years, high expectations ended up sabotaging my love life in a certain way.
I’d even go as far as to say that my marriage partly ended as a result of feeling my expectations of what marriage would be were really let down.
For the way that damaged my son and hurt my wife, I’m truly sorry.
The past is the past, nonetheless, and now in my middle years I am looking for a woman who will be a romantic and loving companion.
Like I was writing, her outer characteristics are not what concern me.
It’s the relationship we have on the inside.
Still: I don’t have expectations about that. I’m willing to start from the ground up and meet someone at their level.
My patience to follow dead-ends has run out, but I still have an open mind and am willing to date around.
The difference is that now I have a much clearer idea of what I’m looking for and what will bring me satisfaction, as well as what I have that can bring fulfillment to a future partner.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.
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