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30 signs your man is making love to you (and it’s not just lust)

couple in bed
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Finding a good man is hard to do.

Sorry guys, but the standards by which women are choosing partners continue to rise.

Women need to feel safe and loved in a relationship, and while that can be achieved outside the bedroom, paying attention to how a man treats in you the bedroom can also be a sure sign that he really loves you.

Most people assume that “making love” is simply another term for having sex, but it’s much deeper than that.

While making love involves sex, there’s a lot more to it.

The million-dollar question is:

How can you tell the difference between making love and simply having sex?

If you’re wondering whether what you’re experiencing together is love or lust, here are some signs to look out for.

These 30 things are what a man does in bed if he really loves you. If you’ve been wondering whether or not he’s marriage material, here’s how you can know for sure.

1) He enjoys kissing

While a “quickie” is in order every now and then, a man who really loves will want to hold you and kiss you for long periods of time.

He won’t be in a rush to get to the main attraction just yet. He’ll spend time looking into your eyes and caressing your face. He’ll pay attention to you. And you’ll love it!

2) He loves all of your body

If you’ve ever seen a guy slap a girl’s ass and think that it was a terrible display of public affection, you’d be wrong.

Men who are comfortable enough with their lovers to exhibit those kinds of displays of public affection are really in love.

They pay attention to all of a woman’s body, inside and outside of the bedroom. If your man likes to grab your ass when you walk by, consider it a compliment.

3) He feels like your hero

When you’re in bed together, he feels like your hero. He’s holding you tight, protecting you, and making you feel completely secure. He thrives off your admiration in bed.

I know it sounds a little silly, but when he a man is genuinely in love, it makes sense.

Why?

Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a provider.

Men have a thirst for admiration. They want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and serve, provide and protect her. This is deeply rooted in male biology.

And if he feels like he is your hero then he is madly in love with you.

He wants to see himself as a provider, as someone you genuinely want and need to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.

If you don’t make him feel this, he will feel like less of a man. Emasculated.

And he might not express true love in the bedroom.

There’s actually a psychological term for what I’m talking about here. It’s called the hero instinct. This term was coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer.

Now, you can’t trigger his hero instinct just by giving him admiration next time you see him. Men don’t like receiving participation awards for showing up. Trust me.

A man wants to feel like he has earned your admiration and respect.

How?

You have to find ways to make him feel like your hero. There’s an art to doing this which can be a lot of fun when you know exactly what to do. But it requires a little more work than just asking him to fix your computer or carry your heavy bags.

The best way to learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your guy is to watch this free online video. James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.

If you can trigger this instinct successfully, then you’ll see the results immediately.

When a man genuinely feels like your hero, he’ll become more loving, attentive, and interested in being in a committed, long-term relationship with you.

The hero instinct is the subconscious drive men have to gravitate toward people who make them feel like a hero. But it’s amplified in his romantic relationships.

Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash discovered this for herself and in the process completely turned around a lifetime of romantic failure. You can read her story here.

Top tip:

Some ideas really are life-changing. And for romantic relationships, this is one of them. That’s why you should watch this free online video where you can learn how to trigger the hero instinct.

4) He nuzzles your chest

Sure, he probably wants to get close to your breasts, but it’s more likely that he wants to feel close to you.

Getting close and nuzzling your chest lets him hear your heartbeat and lets him feel safe with you.

Being physically close promotes trust and confidence in the bedroom, and if he wants to get close to you outside of the bedroom, that’s cool too.

He loves your breasts, even if you have small boobs. It doesn’t matter to him. He loves everything about your body.

5) He doesn’t just have sex with you, he makes love to you

There is a difference, of course, between sex and making love.

If your guy is all about “wham! Bam! Thank you mame”, then he might not be the kind of guy you want to marry.

If, however, he is patient and kind and considerate of your needs, and he’s not racing against a ticking clock, he could be worthy of your love forever.

6) He tells you his fantasies

Sharing sexual fantasies requires a level of trust that many people never get to with their partners.

If you are going to marry someone, he needs to be able to share his fantasies with you and you need to share your fantasies with him.

If you can’t be honest about what you want and need in the bedroom, what’s the point?

7) He feels like he’s doing his ‘job’

When it comes to sex and intimacy, what does he really want from you?

Men don’t necessarily want a woman who’s a firecracker in bed. Or one with a big chest and flat tummy.

Instead, he wants his prowess validated — to feel like he’s doing his ‘job’ as a man.

Nothing speaks to a man’s masculinity more than satisfying the woman he loves. Men are hardwired to want to please women.

When he feels like he’s doing his ‘job’, you’ll instantly know that he’s making love to you rather than just having sex.

The kicker is that when a man doesn’t feel like he’s satisfying her in this way, it’s only natural for him to pull away.

The good news is that you don’t have to have a lot of sex to make a man feel good about himself. There are other things you can do for him that will feed this very natural male ego.

If you want the exact ideas, phrases, and text messages to send to make your man feel better about himself, check out this free video by Felicity Keith.

Felicity is a 42-year old soccer mum who struggled for a long time with low self-esteem between the sheets. This drove her to seek out answers.

Coined by her fans as a ‘suburban Carrie Bradshaw’, Felicity Keith is now a global relationship coach in demand.

She teaches women how to seize control of their relationship by capturing their man’s mind and imagination.

Here’s a link to the free video again.

8) He wants to cuddle

After sex, he doesn’t jump out of bed and get dressed to get on with his day.

Surely this has happened to you at least once in your life, and you know the sting it can leave behind when you are hoping to get some snuggle time in after sex.

If he hangs around and wants to hold you, he’s the kind of guy you should marry.

9) He exhibits manners in and out of the bedroom

Kind and gentle men often make the best lovers because they ensure that their partners enjoy themselves as much as he is enjoying himself.

A generous lover understands that men and women have different needs and that there’s no need to rush any of them.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a guy who is kind and considerate in his everyday life, he’s likely going to be a kind and considerate partner in the bedroom.

You might not think that robust and healthy sex life is important to a long-term relationship.

Are your parents still having sex at their age? Hopefully.

Sex is natural and a wonderful part of life and if you are lucky enough to find someone who rocks your world, hang on to them.

If you can share the most intimate parts of being human together, you can share anything.

RELATED: The strangest thing men desire (And how it can make him crazy for you)

10) He talks low and slow

If there’s one sure-fire way to get your girl all riled up, it’s whispering in her ear.

Women love the closeness and passion that comes out of a whisper session.

And what’s great about whispering in her ear is that it is the right move regardless of where you are in your love-making session.

It’s he does this trick, try to keep this man for years to come.

11) He gives her all the details

While it is already a pretty effective move to tell a woman she’s beautiful while you’re getting close, if he takes it one step further and tells her why he thinks you’re beautiful, then you’ve got him lots of brownie points.

If he wants you to know exactly what he likes about you, so that you feel comfortable around him and they’re not just those generic lines that other guys use, then he’s a keeper.

12) He asks and listens

He takes the time to ask her what she wants.

You might be shy about it at first, but he encourages you to be honest with him so you can both enjoy the company of one another in bed without holding back.

When you’re telling him what you like, he is attentive and encourages you to be as open as possible.

He doesn’t laugh or judge. He treats it as an intimate moment that could pay off big time for both of you.

13) He takes his time

Do the words, “there’s no rush” mean anything to you? They should.

When it comes to the bedroom, he takes his time with everything he does.

He gives you his undivided attention and ensures he takes his time to enjoy the moment and the beautiful experience you are sharing together.

He just wants the emotional and sexual connection you’re engaging to last for as long as it can.

14) The foreplay is different

Ever been with a guy and it simply feels like he is doing foreplay just because it’s necessary to get to his goal of sex?

Yep, that kind of guy isn’t making love to you.

But if it feels like he is genuinely enjoying foreplay with you, and he’s taking the time to caress you, massage you, and make you feel loved all over, then you know for sure that he is making love to you.

It should be obvious to you when you’re in the heat of the moment. Don’t doubt what you’re feeling.

Usually, when you have a strong emotional connection with your man, you just know, you know?

15) You feel more free and easy

When a man is simply having sex with you, it can feel forced.

He sticks to his routines and the way things should be, rather than letting loose at the moment and enjoying it.

When you’re making love, there is genuine passion and excitement between the two of you that make you feel easy, flexible, and free.

You know you both want to be each other and as a result of that security, you bask in the glory of those strong emotions you’re feeling for each other.

16) He goes with it

Some women like to be in charge, while others are perfectly happy to sit back and let the guy do all the heavy lifting.

He wants you to be you when you’re in the bedroom. He wants to know how you operate: if you are the take-charge kind of gal and he might like it if you play the dominant role for a while.

He doesn’t try to guess what you want in bed. He asks!

He owns up to the fact he doesn’t know everything about sex and this opens a whole other opportunity to talk about your sex life.

17) It’s not a race to him

He remembers that one of the best parts about being together is that you get to BE together, so he doesn’t rush to the finish line and then be done.

He wants to keep you interested and wants to be with you, so he pays attention to where you’re at in your pleasure center. This isn’t a single ride to him.

18) He tries new things

He doesn’t want to get wild and crazy but he finds fun to experiment a little and share new experiences.

You don’t always have to be “in bed” to be “in bed.” Take your cues from one another and if it feels right, go for it.

19) He lets you take your toys to bed

There’s no reason to be embarrassed about sex toys; in fact, they can really enhance your sex life.

If you’ve got them, he lets you use them. Sex doesn’t have to be so serious. You can have a lot of fun together if you let go of your inhibitions.

20) He’s not afraid to emotionally connect with you

Let’s face it:

Some guys are cold and they only want the physical.

But if your man is willing to talk to you, express his emotions and actually listen to what you want and need, then he’s probably a man in love.

He’ll show this emotional connection in the bedroom by holding you close and giving you touches and kisses on your cheeks and body.

The best bit?

He’ll express these feelings even after you’ve finished in the bedroom.

Why?

Because it’s more than sex. It’s not about simply finishing and saying goodbye.

Nope. He’s not rushed. He wants to spend more time with you because he loves you.

21) He pays attention to the non-verbals

Men sometimes miss the non-verbal cues women send them because they are expecting women to tell them what they want.

But if your man understands your body language and what you’re really feeling, hold onto him.

So consider this list the next time you meet a new man and ask yourself if he is marriage material using this handy list.

Remember to think about what is important to you as well — if you don’t like cuddling, don’t marry a guy who wants to cuddle all the time. Obviously.

22) He gazes into your eyes.

You may have heard the saying that the “eyes are the windows to the soul,” and many people think this is true.

You can tell a lot about a person if they refuse to make eye contact with you. Eye contact can be one of the most telling signs that your man loves you and is not just lusting after your body.

In fact, research from the University of Chicago indicated that someone more interested in a person’s body (lust) was more likely to look at their body rather than their face. Those people who saw someone as a potential romantic partner (love) focused on the face instead of the body. The research concluded that this pattern was true for both males and females.

Most casual flings or one-night-stands don’t include much if any, eye contact. Gazing into each other’s eyes is often a tell-tale sign of a deeper connection.

23) He shows affection outside of the bedroom as well as in the bedroom

The term “making love” means many different things — and while it generally means sex, it doesn’t have to. Instead, showing simple signs of affection can also be a form of making love, whether it’s in or out of the bedroom.

You can maintain closeness in many other ways besides having sex. Signs of affection might be as simple as a touch on the hand or a quick slap on the butt. And these can be private or public displays of affection.

Holding hands or cuddling on the couch, even when it doesn’t lead to sex, can mean that when you do get down to business, it’s more than just focused on lust.

24) He’s patient and willing to work through your hang-ups

Not everyone is super comfortable with their body or how they perform in bed. Most of us have a few issues that we need to work through in bed, whether it’s making sure the lights are off or keeping some clothes on.

A man who is patient and wants to work through these insecurities with you is more likely to be in it for the long haul.

Someone who loves you is going to be willing to ease you into addressing these hang-ups.

He’s understanding about how long it takes you to work through these issues — and he doesn’t put pressure on you to do anything you’re uncomfortable doing.

He’s often also willing to talk through these hang-ups with you and help you work through them at a deeper level.

25) He’s willing to take necessary precautions

Birth control isn’t sexy — but it is necessary.

A man that pays attention to his role in birth control is showing he cares. Because women are the ones that get pregnant, men sometimes just ignore this “necessary evil” and assume that you have it handled.

Instead, a man who makes love to you will want to be sure that you are both being safe and careful. If he cares, he will be sure that you are both healthy and practicing safe sex.

Safe sex and birth control shouldn’t just be your responsibility!

26) He’ll stop if you ask

A man that is making love to you will never want you to be in pain (unless that’s what you’re going for) or uncomfortable with what is happening. The moment that you say that you want to stop, he should stop.

We all have days when we are just not in the mood, or things are uncomfortable for one reason or another. Your guy will understand and either help you work through it, adjust what he’s doing, or try again another time.

Someone who is making love to you will want you to be completely comfortable with the situation. It isn’t making love if one or both of you aren’t feeling it.

27) He makes you feel beautiful

Did you know that 91% of women report that they are unhappy with some portion of their body?

If you’re in that 9% that is completely happy your body — then good for you! But, for the rest of us, sex that showcases some part of our body that we don’t like can be anxiety-provoking.

When your guy makes you feel wanted, needed, and beautiful in the bedroom, chances are that you are doing more than just having sex.

Making you feel beautiful can happen by having him whisper sweet nothings in your ear, or it could be just the way that he runs his hands over your body.

Making love not only feels amazing physically — it’s a full mind and body experience.

Feeling beautiful because of how your man touches you and treats you is a huge part of that experience and it’s one of the many signs your man is making love to you.

28) He’s willing to be vulnerable with you

Body image isn’t just a problem for women. Roughly 45% of men struggle with dissatisfaction with their body image.

And men have insecurities about their bodies and their performance in bed, just like women do.

If your guy is willing to share some of these issues with you, chances are that you have a lover, not just a fling.

Being vulnerable is difficult for everyone, but it can be especially difficult for men who are “supposed to be” tough, strong, and masculine.

For men, performance issues in bed are a huge confidence killer in a lot of aspects of their life. If he’s willing to open up to you about these issues so you can work through them together, you can build a stronger, lasting relationship.

29) He makes you laugh — even in bed

Sex is supposed to be fun! It can be intense and passionate, but there are times when it is just downright fun and funny.

Let’s face it. Not everything is going to be perfect in bed. Laugh it off! Do silly things! Have fun with your man!

If you can laugh together even while doing the deed, your relationship will likely go far beyond the bedroom.

According to some experts, playfulness between romantic partners is critical to bond together and establish security.

There are tons of other benefits of laughing in bed, too. Research shows that it makes couples more comfortable, they feel secure, and it relieves performance pressures.

Laughter can even help your muscles relax, making the entire experience more pleasurable — and who doesn’t want that?

30) You can see it on his face.

While sex can make virtually anyone happy, you will often notice a “look” after you and your guy are done. It might be a smile or glint in his eye. It might also be a playful move or two, like giving you a nudge with his nose or quickly biting your ear.

It’s hard to miss the happiness on his face when you’re finished. Showing this genuine look of joy and glee is one of the easiest ways that you can tell that he thinks you have more than just a physical connection.

If you REALLY want to make sure he is making love to you…

Let’s face it.

If your guy is losing isn’t making love to you, there’s always a reason.

Maybe you treat him great. You think you’re doing everything right. And on the surface, he seems pretty happy…

But if he’s pulling away from you, then you must get inside his head and understand why.

Because if you really like him, it’s up to you to dig a bit deeper and figure out why he’s hesitant to commit.

In my experience, the missing link in any relationship is never sex, communication or a lack of romantic dates. All these things are important, but they are rarely deal-breakers when it comes to the success of a relationship.

The missing link is this:

You actually have to understand what your guy is thinking at a deep level.

And the best resource I know about for getting inside the male mind is His Secret Obsession by James Bauer.

Reading this book is where I learned about the hero instinct I mentioned earlier in this article.

How can this book help you?

His Secret Obsession by James Bauer is a powerful relationship guide that is available in eBook or audiobook versions.

The book tackles the 3 most common relationship issues women face:

  • Why men can lose interest in a woman after the initial attraction wears off
  • Why men are reluctant to commit long term, even when the early signs of relationship seem so promising
  • Why men can pull away suddenly and stop communicating with their partners.

The central assertion of His Secret Obsession is that men are driven by instinctive needs, even if they are not consciously aware of them.

And the most basic one is the biological urge to feel wanted and needed. Men want to step up to the plate for the woman in his life. And she has to let him.

James Bauer calls this the hero instinct.

He claims that man will be drawn to any woman who makes him feel it, and conversely, be reluctant to commit to any woman who doesn’t trigger it.

Hack Spirit founder Lachlan Brown wrote a pretty epic review of His Secret Obsession. You can read it here.

Lachlan reviews a lot of dating guides, but believes hands down this is the best one currently on the market.

According to Lachlan:

“His Secret Obsession by James Bauer is the most comprehensive and insightful dating book I’ve read. It contains the wisdom of a relationship expert with 12 years in the industry, as well as tips and strategies based on concrete human psychology. The hero instinct is a fascinating new take on what drives men romantically”.

If you want to learn more about the hero instinct, and the book it comes from, check out this unique video introduction by James Bauer.

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Disclosure: This post is brought to you by the Hack Spirit review team. In our reviews, Hack Spirit highlights products and services that you might find interesting. If you buy them, we receive a small commission from that sale. However, we only ever recommend products that we have personally investigated and truly feel could be valuable to you. Read our affiliate disclosure here. We welcome your feedback at [email protected].

Pearl Nash

Written by Pearl Nash

I've been through a lot in my life (especially with men!) and I have a lot of wisdom and advice to give to help anyone better their relationships. I believe that everyone is capable of giving and receiving love and my mission is to help everyone see that. I hope you enjoy my writing on Hack Spirit.

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