7 ways people confuse people-pleasing with kindness

There’s a fine line between being genuinely kind and trying to please everyone. It’s a line that many of us cross without even realizing it.

See, kindness stems from empathy and compassion—it’s about wanting to ease others’ burdens because it feels right.

People-pleasing, however, is more about seeking approval and avoiding conflict.

It’s easy to confuse the two, especially when you’re trying to be the best person you can be.

But it’s crucial to distinguish between them for your own mental wellness and authentic relationships.

We’ll explore how to recognize these patterns and cultivate genuine kindness without losing yourself in the process.

1) Saying ‘yes’ to everything

One of the most common ways people confuse people-pleasing with kindness is by saying ‘yes’ to every request or demand.

It’s almost like an automatic response.

We often believe that by agreeing to everything, we’re being kind and helpful. But this isn’t always the case.

In reality, saying ‘yes’ all the time can be a form of people-pleasing.

It’s about wanting to be liked and avoiding confrontation more than it’s about helping others out of genuine care and concern.

It’s exhausting and can lead to burnout.

Plus, it doesn’t allow for authentic relationships to develop, as you’re constantly putting others’ needs and desires before your own.

It’s okay to say ‘no’ sometimes.

Real kindness involves respect for your own boundaries as well as those of others.

2) Prioritizing others’ happiness above your own

I’ve personally fallen into this trap. I used to think that always putting others’ happiness before my own was a sign of kindness.

Let me share a story.

A few years ago, I had a friend who’d often call me late at night to vent about her problems.

Even if I had an early meeting or was feeling unwell, I’d pick up and listen, believing it was the ‘kind’ thing to do.

Over time, though, I realized this habit was draining me out.

I was sacrificing my own peace and well-being for the sake of being there for her.

That’s when it hit me: This wasn’t kindness; it was people-pleasing.

In trying to always be there for her, I was neglecting myself.

Genuine kindness should not come at the cost of your own happiness or well-being.

It’s about striking a balance between caring for others and taking care of yourself.

3) Never expressing your own needs

In an attempt to be kind and accommodating, we sometimes suppress our own needs.

We might think it’s selfish to express what we want or need, so we keep quiet and go along with what others want.

This behavior can lead to increased stress and even physical health issues over time.

It’s important to understand that expressing your needs is not a sign of selfishness.

It’s a fundamental aspect of maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being.

Real kindness involves mutual respect for each other’s needs and desires.

Don’t be afraid to speak up and express what you need—it’s part of being kind to yourself.

4) Feeling guilty for setting boundaries

A significant sign of confusing people-pleasing with kindness is feeling guilty when you set boundaries.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining our mental and emotional health.

They help us define our personal space and protect us from being overburdened or exploited.

However, many of us feel guilty when we enforce these boundaries. We worry that we’re letting people down or being unkind.

But the truth is, setting boundaries is a form of self-care and self-respect.

It’s about acknowledging your limits and ensuring you’re not stretched too thin.

Being kind doesn’t mean you have to be available to everyone, all the time.

It’s okay to take time for yourself and prioritize your own well-being. In fact, it’s necessary.

5) Struggling to accept compliments

This one hits close to home. When I receive a compliment, my initial instinct is to downplay it or brush it off.

I used to think it’s a humble or kind response, not wanting to appear arrogant.

But with time, I’ve realized that it’s more about people-pleasing than genuine humility.

It’s about wanting others to see me as modest and not wanting to stand out too much.

Accepting compliments graciously is an act of self-love and kindness towards oneself.

It’s about acknowledging your worth and letting others appreciate you.

The next time someone compliments you, try to resist the urge to deflect or downplay it. Instead, thank them sincerely and embrace the positivity.

6) Over-apologizing

Over-apologizing is another common sign of confusing people-pleasing with kindness.

We often apologize for things that are not our fault, or for simply existing and taking up space.

This stems from a desire to avoid conflict or discomfort and keep everyone around us happy and at ease.

But in reality, over-apologizing can undermine our self-esteem and make us feel small.

You do not need to apologize for having feelings, expressing an opinion, or setting a boundary.

These are fundamental aspects of being human and deserving of respect.

Being kind means treating others with respect and compassion, but it also requires treating yourself the same way.

Stand tall and know that your voice matters.

7) Neglecting self-care

The most crucial thing to understand is that neglecting self-care in the name of being kind is not kindness at all—it’s people-pleasing.

We often put ourselves last, ignoring our own needs and desires, thinking we’re being considerate and selfless.

But in truth, this can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and even burnout over time.

Self-care is not selfish. It’s a critical part of maintaining our physical, mental, and emotional health.

Only when we take care of ourselves can we genuinely care for others.

Make sure you’re taking time for self-care regularly—it’s the kindest thing you can do for both yourself and those around you.

Final thoughts: The power of authenticity

The journey to untangle people-pleasing from genuine kindness often boils down to one core element: authenticity.

Being authentic means honouring your feelings, needs, and boundaries.

It’s about being true to yourself even if it means momentarily disappointing someone else.

The cornerstone of kindness is empathy—not just for others, but also for yourself.

It’s about understanding and acknowledging that your needs and feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s.

Neuroscience tells us that acting in accordance with our genuine feelings and beliefs triggers a sense of satisfaction in our brains, releasing a rush of endorphins that make us feel good.

This authentic living can lead not only to happier, healthier relationships but also to a happier, healthier you.

As you navigate your path towards kindness, remember to be kind to yourself too.

Stand up for your own needs, set boundaries without guilt, and above all else—be authentically you.