People who were raised by a narcissistic caretaker often exhibit these 10 coping behaviors in adulthood, according to psychology

Navigating life with a narcissistic caretaker can be a complex journey, one that often extends into adulthood.

This experience, as bewildering as it may be, leaves a lasting impact.

Many of us who’ve walked this path may not even realize the coping behaviors we’ve adopted due to this upbringing.

Psychology has much to say about this. It suggests that those raised by narcissistic caretakers often develop certain coping behaviors in adulthood.

In the following article, we’ll explore 10 of these behaviors.

Like signposts on the road to self-awareness, understanding these patterns can help us make sense of our past experiences and guide us toward a healthier future.

Remember, acknowledging these behaviors isn’t about pointing fingers or laying blame. It’s about embracing our personal narratives and finding ways to thrive despite them.

So, let’s dive in and explore what these behaviors are.

1) People-pleasing

Growing up with a narcissistic caretaker often involves constantly trying to meet their lofty and often unrealistic expectations.

This struggle often translates into a persistent need to please others in adulthood.

It’s as if we’re still trying to win that elusive approval from our caretaker by making everyone else around us happy.

It’s a behavior deeply rooted in our past experiences, one that’s often hard to shake off.

As renowned psychologist Dr. Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”

Recognizing people-pleasing as a coping mechanism is the first step towards change. It’s about understanding that our worth isn’t tied to others’ approval.

We’re allowed to put our needs first without feeling guilty or selfish.

It’s a process of unlearning and relearning, one that starts with awareness and self-compassion.

2) Hyper-vigilance

Living with a narcissistic caretaker often means walking on eggshells. You’re always on high alert, constantly watching for signs of an impending storm.

I remember my childhood years marked by this hyper-vigilance. I would gauge my caretaker’s moods, adapt my behavior accordingly, and brace myself for the emotional whirlwind that often followed.

This coping mechanism was not just useful; it was a necessity for survival.

Fast forward to adulthood, and this hyper-vigilance didn’t just disappear.

It stuck around, manifesting in different forms – an undue sensitivity to people’s moods, a constant need to avoid conflict, and a heightened sense of alertness to potential threats.

As famed psychologist Dr. Abraham Maslow said, “One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth.”

Recognizing hyper-vigilance as an ingrained behavior from a troubled past is choosing growth.

It’s about understanding that the world isn’t as threatening as it once seemed and that it’s okay to let our guard down sometimes.

3) Self-isolation

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but growing up with a narcissistic caretaker can lead to feelings of unworthiness.

As a way to cope, self-isolation often becomes a refuge. It’s a way to avoid potential rejection or disappointment.

I found that as I grew older, I was drawn to solitude. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the company of others, but the fear of being misunderstood or judged was overwhelming.

I built walls around me, believing it was safer to be alone than risk being hurt.

As psychologist Dr. Brené Brown reminds us, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”

Understanding the tendency towards self-isolation helps us recognize our fears and challenges us to confront them.

It’s about learning that it’s okay to let people in and allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

4) Perfectionism

When you’re raised by a narcissistic caretaker, mistakes are often not taken lightly.

They can lead to criticism, ridicule, or worse. To navigate this, perfectionism becomes a coping mechanism.

In my own life, I’ve noticed an incessant need to get things right, to make no mistakes.

It’s like an invisible barometer that’s always hovering above, making sure I live up to an impossible standard.

As psychologist Dr. Albert Ellis said, “The art of love is largely the art of persistence.”

This quote may not seem to fit at first glance, but when we apply it to self-love and acceptance, it makes perfect sense.

Overcoming the grip of perfectionism is about persisting in self-love. It’s about understanding that making mistakes doesn’t diminish our worth. It makes us human and helps us grow.

5) Overachieving

Here’s a surprising one. Growing up with a narcissistic caretaker can sometimes lead to overachievement. Why?

Because we’re constantly trying to prove our worth, to validate our existence through success.

In my journey, I’ve found myself pushing harder, achieving more, and yet often feeling a sense of emptiness.

It’s as though no accomplishment was ever enough to fill the void left by the need for approval from my narcissistic caretaker.

Renowned psychologist Dr. Sigmund Freud once said, “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”

Taking responsibility for our happiness means recognizing that no amount of external achievement can truly fulfill us.

It’s about understanding that our worth isn’t defined by our successes but by who we are as individuals.

6) Difficulty setting boundaries

A common theme among those raised by narcissistic caretakers is the struggle to set healthy boundaries.

This stems from an upbringing where personal boundaries were often disregarded.

I’ve often found myself saying ‘yes’ when I meant ‘no’, sacrificing my needs and comfort to appease others.

It felt like I was constantly crossing my own boundaries to avoid conflict or disapproval.

Psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud wisely said, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.”

Recognizing this difficulty in setting boundaries allows us to redefine ourselves.

It’s about acknowledging that we have the right to our personal space and preferences, and that setting boundaries is not only necessary but healthy.

7) Emotional suppression

Growing up with a narcissistic caretaker, expressing emotions can often lead to belittlement or dismissal. As a result, emotional suppression becomes a common coping mechanism.

I recall moments from my past where I would hide my feelings, afraid of the backlash or dismissal they might invite.

Over time, this habit persisted, making it challenging to express emotions even in safe environments.

Dr. Carl Jung, a well-known psychologist, once said, “What you resist, persists.”

Understanding this tendency to suppress emotions is the first step towards healing.

It’s about acknowledging that our feelings are valid and that expressing them is a fundamental part of our humanity.

8) Low self-esteem

One of the hardest truths to face is how a narcissistic caretaker can impact our self-esteem.

Their constant need for control and validation often leaves us feeling unworthy and doubting our capabilities.

I’ve battled with low self-esteem myself, always second-guessing my decisions, questioning my worth, and seeking approval.

The eminent psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden said, “Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.”

Recognizing low self-esteem as a coping behavior allows us to start rebuilding our reputation with ourselves.

It’s about understanding that we are enough, just as we are, and that our worth isn’t tied to anyone else’s approval.

9) Fear of intimacy

This might seem counterintuitive, but those raised by narcissistic caretakers often develop a fear of intimacy.

The inconsistency of love and affection in childhood can lead to a fear of emotional closeness in adulthood.

I’ve noticed in my relationships a hesitance to let people in, a fear of showing my true self.

It’s as if I’m afraid that revealing my vulnerability will lead to rejection or hurt.

Acknowledging this fear of intimacy is a stepping stone towards healthier relationships.

It’s about understanding that vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a strength, and that true intimacy requires courage.

10) Overthinking

As a result of a narcissistic upbringing, overthinking can become a constant companion.

The need to anticipate every possible scenario to avoid conflict leads to a pattern of over-analyzing everything.

In my own life, I’ve spent countless hours dwelling on decisions, replaying conversations, and fretting over potential outcomes.

It’s like an internal dialogue that seldom quiets down.

Recognizing overthinking as a coping behavior is the first step towards peace of mind.

It’s about understanding that we can’t control everything and learning to trust ourselves more.

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Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. Check out my latest book on the Hidden Secrets of Buddhism and How it Saved My Life. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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