Eliza Hartley
Emotional regulation—it’s a skill so fundamental that we often overlook its importance.
But what happens when someone wasn’t taught this vital ability as a child?
The ramifications are more subtle than you might think, and they manifest in adulthood in intriguing ways.
These individuals aren’t necessarily “broken” or “damaged”, they just learned to navigate their emotions differently.
In this piece, we’ll explore seven subtle behaviors typically displayed by adults who weren’t taught emotional regulation during their formative years.
This isn’t a tale of doom and gloom, but rather an exploration of how our childhood influences our adult selves. It’s about understanding, acceptance, and ultimately, growth.
Join me as we delve into the fascinating world of emotional development and its effects on adulthood:
1) Heightened sensitivity
One quiet, yet telling, sign of a lack of childhood emotional regulation training is heightened sensitivity.
This doesn’t mean they’re overly dramatic or cry at the drop of a hat—it’s more nuanced than that.
These adults often have an amplified awareness of the emotions in their environment, whether it’s picking up on the subtle tension in a room or feeling overwhelmed by violent scenes on television.
Why? Because they were never taught how to manage or process these feelings as children, they’re more susceptible to them as adults.
It’s as if they’re walking around with an emotional antenna, picking up signals that others might miss.
This heightened sensitivity could be seen as a downfall, but it can also be viewed as a strength.
Their ability to empathize and understand others’ feelings can make them great friends, partners, and leaders.
Understanding this behavior is the first step in recognizing and acknowledging its impact on their life.
With that understanding comes the ability to begin working towards better emotional regulation—even in adulthood.
2) Difficulty with emotional boundaries
In my personal experience, I’ve noticed another subtle behavior that can emerge in adults who missed out on emotional regulation lessons in their childhood: A struggle with emotional boundaries.
I grew up in an environment where emotions were seldom discussed.
We loved each other, but showing emotions or talking about feelings was not the norm.
As I grew older, I found myself struggling to set emotional boundaries.
It was like walking a tightrope.
On one hand, I didn’t want to close myself off completely, but on the other, I didn’t know how to protect my emotional well-being.
I often found myself overly invested in others’ problems, feeling their pain as if it were my own.
This lack of emotional boundaries can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout.
It took me years of mindful practice and self-reflection to understand my emotions and learn how to protect my emotional health without isolating myself.
If you relate to this struggle with emotional boundaries, you’re not alone.
Recognizing this behavior can help pave the way towards improving your emotional health and building healthier relationships.
3) Overthinking and worrying
Adults who weren’t taught emotional regulation as children often display a tendency towards overthinking and excessive worrying.
It’s as if their brains are wired to play out every possible scenario, often focusing on the worst outcomes.
Neuroscientists have found that this may be linked to a part of our brain called the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotions.
In individuals who experienced emotional neglect or trauma in their early years, the amygdala can become hyperactive.
This overactivity can lead to a constant state of worry or ‘what if’ scenarios playing out in their minds.
Being in this constant state of overthinking can be exhausting and even paralyzing.
However, through mindfulness practices and cognitive-behavioral techniques, it’s possible to rewire our brains and tame the overactive amygdala, leading to a calmer mind and better emotional regulation.
4) Difficulty expressing emotions
Another behavior that can surface in adults who weren’t taught emotional regulation as children is the difficulty in expressing emotions.
They might struggle to put their feelings into words or even recognize what they’re feeling.
This stems from not being encouraged or given the space to express their emotions during their formative years.
The inability to express emotions can lead to a disconnect in relationships and even a sense of isolation.
However, it’s important to remember that it’s never too late to learn and grow.
With practice and patience, one can learn to identify and express their emotions effectively, leading to more fulfilling relationships and a healthier emotional state.
5) Fear of conflict
Conflict is a part of life. It’s not always pleasant, but it’s often necessary for growth and understanding.
However, for those of us who weren’t taught emotional regulation as children, conflict can feel incredibly threatening.
I remember dreading any form of disagreement or confrontation.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t stand up for myself, it was the emotional turmoil that followed, the guilt, the worry, the fear of damaging relationships—it all felt too overwhelming.
This fear of conflict can lead to people-pleasing behavior or avoiding difficult conversations altogether.
But with time, patience, and practice, we can learn to navigate conflict in a healthier way.
It’s about understanding that expressing differing opinions doesn’t have to result in damaged relationships but can instead lead to deeper understanding and mutual respect.
6) Emotional outbursts
While some adults who weren’t taught emotional regulation as children might bottle up their feelings, others might have emotional outbursts.
These outbursts can seem to come from nowhere, but they’re often the result of an accumulation of unexpressed emotions.
Just like a pressure cooker, if emotions are continually pushed down without being processed or expressed, eventually they’ll find a way out—often explosively.
These individuals aren’t necessarily ‘temperamental’ or ‘volatile’.
They’re simply people who never learned how to properly express and process their emotions.
The good news is, it’s never too late to learn.
By practicing mindfulness and emotional awareness, it’s possible to better manage emotions and express them in a healthy and constructive way.
7) Struggles with self-care
Perhaps the most crucial behavior to recognize in adults who weren’t taught emotional regulation as children is their struggle with self-care.
Self-care isn’t merely about bubble baths and spa days.
It’s about understanding our emotional needs and making sure they’re met.
These individuals often prioritize others’ needs over their own, neglecting their emotional well-being. It’s a pattern that can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion.
Recognizing this behavior is the first step towards change.
By prioritizing self-care, we not only nourish our emotional health but also equip ourselves better to handle life’s challenges.
After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Final thoughts: It’s a journey, not a destination
The human mind is a complex and fascinating entity, shaped by a multitude of factors including our early childhood experiences.
The behaviors that stem from not being taught emotional regulation as children are often subtle, yet pervasive.
They influence our relationships, our interactions with the world, and most importantly, our relationship with ourselves.
However, it’s vital to remember that we are not defined by our past; we are dynamic beings, capable of growth and change.
If you’ve related to any of these behaviors, remember: It’s about acknowledging where you are, understanding how you got here, and taking steps towards where you want to be.
You’re not alone on this journey—you’re part of a vast community of people striving for emotional health and fulfillment.
