If someone drops a harsh comment, they might not realize they’ve upset you. If someone bluntly states their opinion, they may not grasp the discomfort they’ve caused.
Welcome to the realm of emotional intelligence.
But the thing is, many of us aren’t as emotionally savvy as we think. In fact, some folks regularly use phrases that inadvertently hurt or offend others – and they’re not even aware of it.
Let’s delve into this with 8 key examples. They’re common expressions often used by those who may lack a little in the emotional intelligence department.
1) “Calm down”
Ever heard someone tell you to “calm down” when you were upset? It’s as if they threw a bucket of ice water on a raging fire.
Dousing emotions isn’t the way to go, especially when someone is visibly distressed. It may seem like a simple, harmless phrase, but it can come across as dismissive or even condescending.
People who lack emotional intelligence often use this phrase, thinking they’re helping when in reality, they might be suppressing the other person’s feelings. It’s like saying their emotions are invalid and they should just “get over it”.
But emotions aren’t that simple, are they? They’re not something you can just turn off with a switch. It takes understanding, patience, and often a willing ear to truly alleviate emotional distress.
Little do they realize, their words could have the opposite effect of what they intended.
2) “It’s not that big of a deal”
I’ll never forget the time my friend casually dropped this phrase after I shared my worries about a job interview. “It’s not that big of a deal,” she said, shrugging off my concerns like they were dust on her shoulder.
In her mind, she was probably trying to help me relax, to see the bigger picture. But in that moment, it felt like she was undermining my feelings.
Her intention might have been to make me feel better, but the impact was quite the opposite. It made me feel as though my worry was an overreaction.
People lacking in emotional intelligence often use this phrase without realizing how it can belittle someone’s feelings or problems. It’s important to remember, what may seem trivial to one person can be a huge deal to another.
3) “You’re too sensitive”
“Sensitive” – a word often used to dismiss someone’s emotional response. This phrase is a classic example of gaslighting, a manipulative tactic where a person makes someone question their own feelings or reality.
In a study published by the American Psychological Association, individuals who were frequently labeled as “too sensitive” or “overreactive” reported lower levels of psychological well-being.
People with lower emotional intelligence often use this phrase, failing to understand that everyone has different emotional thresholds. What might seem like an overreaction to one person, could be a perfectly normal response for another.
Understanding and respecting these differences is key to healthy communication.
4) “I don’t see what the problem is”
This phrase, often delivered with a shrug, shows a lack of empathy. It implies that if the speaker can’t see a problem, then there must not be one.
People lacking emotional intelligence may use this phrase without understanding that their perspective isn’t the only one that matters. They fail to grasp that others may have different viewpoints or feelings about a situation.
Just because they can’t see the problem, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This lack of understanding can make others feel misunderstood and dismissed, creating a barrier in communication.
In essence, the phrase “I don’t see what the problem is” could be more accurately translated to “I don’t understand your feelings”, which is a clear sign of lower emotional intelligence.
5) “That’s just how I am”
I’ve heard this phrase more times than I can count. “That’s just how I am,” someone says, as if it’s an excuse for hurtful behavior or a reason not to change.
I’ve come to realize that people who lack emotional intelligence often hide behind this phrase. It’s as though they believe their personality is set in stone and they can’t be held accountable for the impact of their actions on others.
But the truth is, we all have the capacity for growth and self-improvement.
Using “that’s just how I am” as an excuse shows an unwillingness to acknowledge or address the negative impact one’s behavior might have on others – a key sign of low emotional intelligence.
6) “I was just joking”
Humor is a strange thing. What one person finds funny, another might find offensive. And here’s where this phrase comes into play – “I was just joking”.
People with lower emotional intelligence often use this line as a defense mechanism when their joke lands poorly. Instead of acknowledging that their humor may have hurt someone, they deflect the blame onto the receiver, implying they’re overly sensitive.
But the crux of emotional intelligence is understanding that humor is subjective and what may seem like a harmless joke to one person can be hurtful to another.
Acknowledging this and apologizing when necessary is a sign of high emotional intelligence.
7) “You’re overthinking it”
This phrase is often used by people who lack emotional intelligence to dismiss someone’s worries or concerns. It suggests that the person’s feelings are a result of over-analysis, rather than a valid response to a situation.
What the speaker fails to understand is that everyone processes situations differently. Some people may need to dissect every detail, while others are more comfortable taking things at face value.
Telling someone they’re “overthinking it” can make them feel dismissed and misunderstood. It undermines their feelings and can lead to self-doubt, further complicating their emotional response.
Recognizing and respecting individual differences in processing situations is a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence.
8) “I don’t care”
This phrase is perhaps the most blatant indicator of low emotional intelligence. People often use “I don’t care” as a defensive mechanism, a way to distance themselves from situations or emotions they find uncomfortable or challenging.
The underlying message here is a lack of empathy and understanding. It implies a refusal to engage with another’s feelings or perspective.
Emotional intelligence is about connection – understanding others, empathizing with their experiences, and responding with compassion. When someone says “I don’t care,” they’re shutting down the possibility for connection and demonstrating a significant lack of emotional intelligence.
Reflection and growth
If you’ve journeyed this far with me, you may have recognized some of these phrases in your own vocabulary. And that’s okay. We’re all works in progress, and recognizing our faults is the first step towards growth.
Remember, lacking emotional intelligence isn’t about being a bad person. It’s about a lack of understanding – of ourselves, of others, and the impact our words can have.
But the beauty of emotional intelligence is that it can be learned and improved upon. With self-reflection, empathy, and a willingness to change, we can all become better communicators and more emotionally intelligent individuals.
So next time you catch yourself using one of these phrases, pause.
Reflect on what you’re really trying to say and how it might be received. You might just surprise yourself with how much more effectively you can communicate when you’re coming from a place of understanding and empathy.
After all, emotional intelligence isn’t just about being better communicators – it’s about being better humans.