I’ve always been the type to keep others at arm’s length. Here’s how I learned to let people in without losing myself

I’ve always been the type to hold people at arm’s length. Call it self-preservation, an inbuilt defense mechanism, or just plain fear of vulnerability – I’ve had my reasons.

But over time, I realized that by walling myself off, I was missing out on the rich tapestry of human connection and the immense growth it can foster.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

Maintaining your individuality and not losing yourself in relationships is crucial.

But so is letting people in, embracing the warmth of shared experiences, and allowing yourself to be influenced by different perspectives.

It’s been a journey for me. A journey of navigating the delicate balance between self-preservation and openness.

A journey of learning to let people in without losing myself.

So how did I do it?

Well, stick around as I share my insights on this delicate dance of connection and autonomy.

Trust me; it’s possible to open up without feeling overwhelmed or losing your essence. Let me show you how.

1) Understanding my boundaries

First things first, I needed to understand my boundaries.

You see, for the longest time, I had this warped idea that letting people in meant completely surrendering my personal space, thoughts, and emotions. But I was wrong.

Letting people in doesn’t mean giving them an all-access pass to your life.

It’s about understanding where you draw the line. It’s about being clear on what you’re comfortable sharing and what remains private.

This clarity was a game-changer for me.

It allowed me to open up without feeling like I was losing control or compromising my individuality. It gave me the confidence to form deeper connections without the fear of being overwhelmed.

Take the time to understand your boundaries. 

2) Learning to trust

Another essential step for me was learning to trust.

Let me tell you about a particular incident that made me realize the importance of trust in relationships.

A few years ago, I was going through a rough patch. You know, one of those phases where everything just seems to go wrong.

Among all the chaos, I had my friend, Sam. Sam had always been there for me, but I’d never really opened up to him – always maintaining that arm’s length distance.

One day, he noticed my distress and insisted on talking about it. At first, I was hesitant. I wasn’t used to sharing my problems. But he was persistent.

Finally, I let my guard down and shared what I was going through. The surprising part? It didn’t feel as scary as I thought it would be.

Sam listened without judgment, offered support, and reassured me that things would get better.

That moment was a turning point for me. It made me realize that trust is a two-way street.

To let others in, you need to trust them with your vulnerabilities and believe that they will respect your feelings.

Don’t be afraid to trust. 

3) Embracing vulnerability

One of the most challenging steps for me was embracing vulnerability.

You see, I’ve always been fiercely independent. I prided myself on being able to handle everything on my own.

Admitting that I needed help or that I was hurt felt like admitting defeat.

But here’s what I’ve learned: Vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s strength.

It’s the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

It’s the willingness to risk getting hurt because we understand that it’s the price we pay for love, belonging, and joy.

I won’t pretend that it was easy for me to embrace vulnerability. It wasn’t. It felt uncomfortable and scary. But it also felt liberating.

Being vulnerable meant that I was being authentic, that I was expressing my true feelings instead of hiding behind a façade of invulnerability.

And guess what? People responded to this authenticity.

My relationships became deeper and more meaningful because I was willing to let people see the real me, not just the version of me that I thought they wanted to see.

Don’t be afraid of vulnerability. It might just be the key to letting people in without losing yourself.

4) Practicing mindfulness

Mindfulness played a significant role in my journey towards letting people in without losing myself.

Before, I’d often get caught up in my own thoughts and fears.

I’d worry about what might happen if I let someone in, what they might think of me, or how they could potentially hurt me.

But practicing mindfulness helped me to stay present and focused.

It taught me to observe my feelings without judgment, to accept them without trying to change them.

It allowed me to acknowledge my fears without letting them control my actions.

When I started applying mindfulness to my relationships, I noticed a change. I was able to listen more attentively, understand more deeply, and react more compassionately.

I was no longer preoccupied with protecting myself but rather focused on genuinely connecting with the person in front of me.

Mindfulness opened the door for me to let people in without losing myself. 

5) Cultivating empathy

Did you know that humans are wired for empathy? It’s an essential part of our survival instinct.

When we empathize, our brain releases oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the ‘bonding hormone.’

This hormone promotes feelings of trust, compassion, and understanding which can help to strengthen our relationships.

So, how does this relate to keeping people at arm’s length?

Well, for me, cultivating empathy was a significant part of learning to let people in.

By putting myself in others’ shoes, I was able to understand their perspectives better.

This understanding helped me to feel more comfortable and less threatened by their presence in my life.

Moreover, empathy helped me realize that just as I have fears and insecurities, so do others. We’re all human, after all.

This realization humanized the people around me and made it easier for me to let them in without fearing that I would lose myself.

Embrace empathy. It’s a powerful tool that can help you connect with others on a deeper level.

6) Offering compassion

In my journey of letting people in, I learned the importance of compassion – both towards others and myself.

When we offer compassion to others, we acknowledge their struggles and offer them kindness and understanding.

For instance, when a friend shared a problem with me, instead of recoiling or putting up my defenses, I learned to respond with empathy and support.

This not only helped them feel understood but also strengthened our bond.

And then there’s self-compassion.

You see, in trying to protect ourselves, we often become our harshest critics.

We beat ourselves up for being too vulnerable, too trusting, or too sensitive.

But self-compassion taught me to treat myself with the same kindness that I offered others.

It allowed me to acknowledge my fears and anxieties without judgment or criticism.

This compassionate approach made it easier for me to navigate the complexities of relationships.

It made me realize that it’s okay to let people in, that it doesn’t mean losing myself but rather broadening my perspective and enriching my life experiences.

Be kind. Be compassionate – to others and yourself. It can make all the difference.

7) Embracing the journey

Above all, remember that learning to let people in without losing yourself is a journey, not a destination.

There will be moments of joy and moments of pain.

There will be times when you feel like you’ve got it all figured out, and times when you feel utterly lost.

But every step, every stumble, every victory is a part of your growth. It’s about continuously learning, evolving, and adapting.

Don’t rush it. Don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t get it right the first time. Embrace the journey with all its ups and downs.

Because in the end, this journey of letting people in, of opening your heart without losing yourself, is one of the most rewarding journeys you’ll ever embark on.

Final thoughts

If you’ve resonated with any part of my journey, perhaps you too have been holding people at arm’s length.

But remember, this doesn’t have to define your relationships.

Through self-awareness, understanding your boundaries, cultivating empathy, and embracing vulnerability, you can learn to let people in without losing yourself.

The process might be uncomfortable at times, and it will certainly require patience and perseverance.

But believe me when I say that the rewards – deeper connections, personal growth, and a richer life experience – are well worth it.

Start by reflecting on your own behaviors.

Consider the moments when you’ve held back from letting someone in and ask yourself why.

Remember to be kind and patient with yourself during this journey of discovery and change.

It’s not about achieving perfection but about growing and evolving.

In the end, the goal is to be authentically you – a person who can form meaningful connections without compromising their individuality.

Take a deep breath, step out of your comfort zone, and let the journey begin.

You might just surprise yourself with how far you can go.