If you want your children to grow up to be emotionally intelligent adults, say goodbye to these 8 harmful parenting behaviors

As a parent, it’s natural to want the best for your kids. You want them to grow up happy, confident, and capable of navigating life’s challenges. But here’s the thing—how you parent plays a huge role in shaping who they become, especially when it comes to emotional intelligence.

It’s not just about teaching them manners or helping with homework. It’s about creating an environment where they feel safe to express themselves, understand their emotions, and connect with others.

And sometimes, that means taking a hard look at certain parenting habits we might not even realize are doing more harm than good.

If you want your children to grow into emotionally intelligent adults, it might be time to let go of these 8 harmful behaviors. Trust me, it’s worth the effort. Let’s dive in.

1) Dismissing their emotions

Kids feel things deeply, even if their problems seem small to us as adults.

But when we brush off their feelings with phrases like “You’re fine,” “Stop crying,” or “It’s not a big deal,” we send the message that their emotions don’t matter—or worse, that they’re wrong for feeling them in the first place.

Here’s the thing: Emotional intelligence starts with understanding and accepting emotions, not pushing them aside. When kids feel heard and validated, they learn that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling and that emotions are a natural part of life.

Instead of dismissing their feelings, try acknowledging them. A simple “I can see that you’re upset” or “That must be frustrating” can go a long way toward helping your child process what they’re going through. It’s not about solving their problems for them—it’s about showing them that their emotions are valid.

If we want our kids to grow up emotionally intelligent, we have to start by letting them feel what they feel without judgment or shame.

2) Trying to fix everything for them

I used to think I was being a good parent by jumping in to solve every problem my child faced. If they had an argument with a friend, I’d call the other parent to smooth things over.

If they were struggling with schoolwork, I’d stay up late finishing their project for them. My intentions were good—I just wanted to make their life easier.

But one day, my daughter came to me in tears because she didn’t know how to deal with a classmate who was being mean to her.

Without thinking, I launched into “fix-it mode,” giving her advice and even suggesting I talk to her teacher for her. She looked at me and said, “Mom, can’t you just listen?”

That hit me hard. I realized that in my effort to protect her from discomfort, I wasn’t teaching her how to handle challenges on her own. Emotional intelligence isn’t about avoiding problems; it’s about navigating them.

Now, instead of immediately solving things for my kids, I ask questions: “How does that make you feel?” or “What do you think you could do about it?”

By doing this, I’m helping them build the confidence and emotional awareness they’ll need as adults—and letting them know I trust them to figure things out.

3) Avoiding conflict around them

Many parents go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict in front of their children, thinking it will shield them from stress or negativity. But here’s the truth: kids learn how to manage disagreements by watching how we handle them.

If they never see healthy conflict resolution, they might grow up thinking that disagreements are something to fear or avoid entirely. Or worse, they might assume that arguments always end in shouting or resentment because they never had the chance to witness constructive conversations.

What’s most important isn’t avoiding conflict but showing kids that it can be handled with respect and understanding. When disagreements arise, model active listening, calm communication, and compromise. Even if emotions run high, let them see how you repair and reconcile afterward.

This teaches them that conflict isn’t inherently bad—it’s just a part of life. And with the right tools, it can lead to growth and stronger relationships.

4) Overpraising them for everything

It’s natural to want to boost your child’s confidence by praising them, but when every little thing they do is met with applause, it can backfire. Overpraising can actually make kids overly dependent on external validation, leaving them unsure of their worth when no one is cheering them on.

Children need to feel valued, but they also need to develop intrinsic motivation—the ability to find satisfaction in their own efforts and accomplishments.

Constantly telling them “You’re the best!” or “You’re so smart!” might make them feel good in the moment, but it can unintentionally teach them to focus on pleasing others rather than finding pride in their own growth.

Instead, focus on praising specific efforts and behaviors. For example, say, “I’m proud of how hard you worked on this” or “It’s great that you kept trying even when it was difficult.”

This helps your child connect their actions to outcomes and builds a stronger sense of self-awareness and emotional resilience.

5) Shielding them from failure

I used to think it was my job to protect my kids from failing. If I saw them struggling with something—whether it was a school project, a sports game, or even a simple puzzle—I’d swoop in to help or make things easier for them.

I thought I was being supportive, but what I didn’t realize was that I was robbing them of the chance to learn one of life’s most important lessons: how to handle failure.

Failure isn’t the enemy—it’s a teacher. When kids are allowed to fail, they learn resilience, problem-solving, and how to pick themselves up and try again. But when we constantly shield them from it, they may grow up fearing mistakes or feeling incapable of handling setbacks on their own.

Now, when my kids face challenges, I try to take a step back. I let them struggle a little, and if they do fail, I’m there to support them—not by fixing it for them, but by encouraging them to reflect on what they can learn from the experience.

It’s not always easy for me to watch, but I know it’s helping them grow into emotionally strong and confident individuals.

6) Always making them happy

It might sound strange, but trying to keep your child happy all the time can actually hold them back. Of course, as parents, we want to see our kids smile and feel good—but life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, and shielding them from discomfort doesn’t prepare them for the real world.

When we rush to cheer them up the moment they’re sad or distract them whenever they’re upset, we deny them the chance to sit with their emotions and understand them. Emotional intelligence isn’t about avoiding negative feelings; it’s about recognizing, processing, and learning from them.

Instead of immediately trying to “fix” their mood, try sitting with them in it. Say something like, “It’s okay to feel sad right now” or “I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

Letting your child experience a full range of emotions—both good and bad—teaches them that feelings aren’t something to run from. They’re something to navigate and grow through.

7) Comparing them to others

It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparisons, especially when you’re trying to motivate your child. Saying things like, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” or “Look at how well your friend did on this,” might seem harmless in the moment, but it can have a lasting impact.

When kids are compared to others, they may start to feel like their worth is tied to how they measure up—and that’s a heavy burden to carry. Instead of building confidence, it can create insecurity, resentment, or even a fear of failure.

I’ve learned that the best way to encourage growth is by focusing on my child’s unique journey. Celebrate their individual progress, no matter how small it might seem.

Instead of comparing them to someone else, compare them to who they were yesterday: “You’ve really improved on this!” or “I’m so proud of how hard you’re working.”

Each child is on their own path, and when we honor that, we help them develop self-confidence and emotional strength—qualities far more valuable than being “better” than someone else.

8) Not modeling emotional intelligence yourself

The truth is, kids learn more from what you do than what you say. If you want your children to grow up emotionally intelligent, the most important thing you can do is model it yourself.

How do you handle frustration? Do you take time to process your feelings, or do you shove them aside? Do you apologize when you lose your temper, or do you let it slide? Your kids are watching and absorbing everything, even when you don’t realize it.

When you show them how to name your emotions, take responsibility for your actions, and approach challenges with calm and empathy, they’ll naturally follow suit. Parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being mindful of the example you’re setting every single day.

Parenting with emotional intelligence starts with you

If you’ve made it this far, you’ve likely realized that raising emotionally intelligent children isn’t about having all the answers or being a perfect parent. It’s about modeling the behaviors and attitudes you hope to see in them and creating a space where they feel safe to grow into their authentic selves.

The way we respond to their emotions, the way we handle conflict, the way we guide them through challenges—all of it shapes how they’ll navigate their own emotional worlds as adults.

As parents, we hold incredible power to influence how our children connect with themselves and others. And while that responsibility can feel overwhelming, it’s also an opportunity to reflect on our own habits and grow alongside them.

By giving your child these tools—and practicing them yourself—you’re setting them up for a lifetime of stronger relationships, resilience, and self-understanding.

And isn’t that one of the greatest gifts you can give?

Eliza Hartley

Eliza Hartley, a London-based writer, is passionate about helping others discover the power of self-improvement. Her approach combines everyday wisdom with practical strategies, shaped by her own journey overcoming personal challenges. Eliza's articles resonate with those seeking to navigate life's complexities with grace and strength.

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