Minh Tran
Listening is an art, and like any art, it demands practice and finesse. Sadly, we often let our egos lead our conversations, transforming a simple chat into a contest of who can talk more.
But if you genuinely want to become a better listener, you need to push your ego aside.
In this journey of self-improvement, I’ve identified seven ego-driven conversation mistakes that often stand in the way of truly understanding others.
By saying goodbye to these mistakes, you can open your ears and your heart to what others have to say, and in the process become a better listener.
So let’s dive right in and start the transformative journey towards mindful listening.
1) Interrupting the speaker
One of the biggest ego-driven conversation mistakes we make is interrupting the speaker.
We often get so caught up in our own thoughts that we neglect to let the other person finish their statement.
This not only hampers our understanding but also sends across a message that we value our thoughts more than theirs.
In my journey of mindfulness, I’ve realized that patience is key to effective listening.
By holding back our urge to interject, we give space for the speaker to express their thoughts fully.
It’s a practice of letting go of our ego, creating room for empathy and understanding.
If you ever find yourself eager to cut in, take a deep breath, patiently wait your turn, and listen. It’s amazing what you can learn when you give someone else the floor.
Keep in mind, this isn’t about suppressing your thoughts but rather about learning to respect the rhythm of conversation.
It’s about ensuring that everyone gets their chance to speak and be heard.
2) Dominating the conversation
I remember a time when I used to dominate conversations. I’d eagerly pour out my thoughts, opinions, and experiences, leaving little room for the other person to share theirs.
It was only later that I realized this wasn’t dialogue, but monologue.
One day, a close friend pointed out how I was always taking over our conversations. I was taken aback. I never intended to be a conversation hog.
But when I reflected, I realized she was right. My eagerness to share my thoughts was overshadowing her opportunity to express hers.
From then on, I started consciously making efforts to balance my input in conversations.
Instead of just waiting for my turn to speak, I genuinely focused on understanding what the other person was sharing.
I learned that conversation isn’t just about expressing yourself; it’s about creating a space where both parties can share and connect.
By letting go of my need to dominate the dialogue, I became a better listener and a more considerate friend.
Believe me when I say, it’s not just about what you have to say, but also about what you stand to learn when you listen.
If you find yourself dominating a conversation, remember to pause, breathe, and open your ears and mind to the other person’s perspective.
3) Making assumptions
Our minds are wired to categorize and make assumptions. This is a survival mechanism that helps us make quick decisions.
When it comes to conversation, this instinct becomes a stumbling block in our attempts to listen effectively.
Our preconceived notions about a person or a topic can color our interpretation of what’s being said. We often listen with the intent to confirm our biases, rather than to understand a new perspective.
For instance, if we believe that all politicians are corrupt, we might dismiss an opposing viewpoint without truly considering its merits.
In the realm of cognitive psychology, this is known as confirmation bias. It’s a potent barrier to effective listening and open-minded communication.
Next time you’re engaged in a conversation, challenge yourself to set aside your assumptions and listen with an open mind.
You might be surprised at how much more you understand when you’re not trying to fit the dialogue into pre-existing mental compartments.
4) Being defensive
Defensiveness is a natural response when we feel that our values, beliefs, or self-perception are being challenged. But in a conversation, it can create a barrier to effective listening.
If we’re busy formulating our defense or counter-argument, we’re not truly absorbing what the other person is saying.
The moment we feel attacked, we switch from listening mode to defensive mode.
Our focus shifts from understanding the speaker’s viewpoint to protecting our own. We stop hearing their words and start hearing our insecurities.
But here’s the thing: not every differing opinion is an attack on our beliefs.
Sometimes, it’s just a different perspective.
To become better listeners, we need to develop emotional resilience.
We need to learn to take criticism or differing opinions in stride and use them as opportunities to grow and learn.
Whenever you find yourself feeling defensive during a conversation, take a deep breath, remind yourself that it’s not personal, and refocus on the message being conveyed.
It might be challenging at first, but with practice, it can become second nature.
5) Not asking for clarification
There was a time when I would nod along during a conversation even if I didn’t fully understand what was being said.
I worried that asking questions or seeking clarification would make me seem ignorant or slow. I didn’t want to disrupt the flow of conversation, so I’d just smile and pretend to get it.
But in doing so, I was missing out on truly understanding the speaker’s perspective. It was like trying to read a book with half the pages missing.
I’ve since learned that it’s okay to ask questions.
Asking for clarification not only ensures that you’re on the same page as the speaker, but also shows that you’re actively engaged in the conversation.
Now, if there’s something I don’t understand, I’m not afraid to say, “Can you explain that a bit more?” or “I’m not sure I follow, can you clarify?” It has made my conversations richer and more meaningful.
It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for clarification; it’s a sign of being an attentive and considerate listener.
Don’t let your ego stand in the way of understanding others better.
6) Focusing on the details, not the big picture
Effective listening isn’t just about hearing the words being spoken; it’s about understanding the message behind them.
Often, we get so caught up in the details of a conversation that we miss the bigger picture.
For example, if a friend is telling you about a difficult day at work, they’re not just sharing the specifics of what went wrong.
They’re also conveying their feelings of stress, frustration, or disappointment. If you focus solely on the details, you might miss the emotional context.
To avoid this mistake, try to listen for both content and context.
Pay attention to non-verbal cues like tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. These can provide valuable insight into what the speaker is truly trying to communicate.
The next time you’re in a conversation, try to step back from the specifics and understand the broader message being conveyed.
7) Not being present
In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get distracted during a conversation.
Our minds wander to our to-do lists, our phones buzz with notifications, and before we know it, we’ve missed half of what was being said.
The most important thing you need to know about becoming a better listener? Be present.
Being fully present means focusing your attention on the speaker, maintaining eye contact, and refraining from distractions.
When you’re truly present in a conversation, you’re not just hearing words; you’re experiencing the speaker’s emotions, understanding their perspective, and connecting with them on a deeper level.
It’s the highest form of respect you can give someone – your undivided attention.
Mindful listening can transform your conversations from mundane exchanges of information into meaningful encounters of understanding and connection.
Put aside your distractions, quieten your mind, and just listen.
Final reflection: The power of listening
Listening is more than just a communication skill; it’s a testament to our ability to empathize and connect with others.
It transcends the boundaries of mere words, reaching into the realms of understanding and human connection.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good”.
The essence of this quote perfectly encapsulates the transformative capacity of effective listening.
Letting go of these ego-driven conversation mistakes not only makes you a better listener but also a more mindful and compassionate individual.
It’s about setting aside our agendas and biases to truly understand and connect with another human being.
As we journey towards becoming better listeners, let’s remember that every conversation is an opportunity for growth.
In the grand symphony of life, may we all strive not just to play our part but also to listen deeply to the melodies around us.
Because in the end, it’s not just about hearing; it’s about understanding.
