As a woman, it’s baffling to see myself, or my friends, fall for the ‘wrong’ men time and time again. Is it just bad luck or is there something deeper at play?
According to psychology, there are certain traits that can predispose women to consistently choose partners who aren’t good for them.
These traits aren’t glaringly obvious, they’re subtle and often overlooked.
In this article, we’ll unravel these 8 little-known traits.
Shedding light on them can help us understand our relationship patterns better, and maybe even help us make better choices in the future. Because, as they say, knowledge is power.
1) Attraction to familiarity
It’s an odd paradox, but sometimes the things that are harmful to us can also feel the most familiar.
Psychology suggests that our early experiences can shape our adult preferences, even if those experiences weren’t positive. This is known as ‘repetition compulsion‘, a concept introduced by Freud.
Basically, we subconsciously seek out situations that feel familiar, even if they’re unhealthy. This is because the familiarity gives us a false sense of control.
So, if a woman grew up with an absent or abusive father, for instance, she might find herself consistently attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or treat her poorly.
It’s not that she wants to be treated badly – it’s just that it’s what she knows. It feels like home.
But understanding this pattern is the first step to breaking it. When we realize we’re chasing familiarity rather than happiness, we can start making different choices.
2) Fear of being alone
I’ve been there, and it’s not a nice place to be.
The fear of being alone can be crippling. I remember a time when I was so terrified of ending up alone that I clung on to a relationship that was clearly not right for me.
Psychology tells us that this fear can often lead women to choose the wrong men. It’s like we’d rather be unhappy with someone than risk being alone.
I would find myself making excuses for my partner’s behavior and convincing myself that things would get better, even though deep down I knew they wouldn’t.
Recognizing this fear and understanding its roots can help break this cycle.
It’s about learning to be comfortable with yourself, knowing that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely, and realizing that you deserve more than just settling for the wrong person.
3) Low self-esteem
Did you know that the way we perceive ourselves can significantly impact the kind of partners we choose?
If a woman struggles with low self-esteem, she may unconsciously select partners who reinforce her negative self-beliefs. This could mean choosing men who treat her poorly, or who don’t value her as they should.
It’s a cycle that can be hard to break. After all, if you don’t believe you’re worthy of love and respect, you’re unlikely to demand it from your partner.
However, recognizing this trait can be a powerful catalyst for change. Working on self-love and self-respect can shift our relationship patterns in a more positive direction.
4) Ignoring red flags
We’ve all been guilty of this at some stage. Those little warning signs that something isn’t quite right with a person or a relationship.
Perhaps he’s always canceling at the last minute, or he doesn’t treat others with respect. Maybe he’s secretive about his past or avoids talking about the future.
Ignoring these red flags is a common trait among women who consistently find themselves in relationships with the wrong men.
The reasons for this are complex and can range from fear of conflict to a deep-seated belief that love should be unconditional and accepting of all flaws.
If this sounds familiar to you, it’s time to examine why you have this tendency. It’s about knowing your worth and understanding that you deserve someone who treats you with respect and kindness.
5) The savior complex
There’s something deeply human about wanting to help others. It’s a trait that speaks to our capacity for empathy and compassion.
But when taken to extremes, it can lead us down a difficult path.
Many women who consistently choose the wrong men tend to have a ‘savior complex‘. They believe they can change their partner, or ‘fix’ their issues.
This belief can stem from a genuine desire to help, but it often results in a one-sided relationship where one person is constantly giving, and the other is constantly taking.
Remember, it’s not your job to save someone else. We can support our partners, but real change has to come from within them.
It’s important to find a relationship that feels balanced and reciprocal, where both parties are contributing to the growth and well-being of each other.
6) Misunderstanding love
I used to think that love was supposed to be intense, all-consuming, a rollercoaster of highs and lows. That without the drama, it wasn’t real love.
But this belief led me to some pretty unhealthy relationships.
Psychology suggests that our understanding of love is often shaped by societal narratives and personal experiences. If these narratives or experiences are skewed, we can find ourselves mistaking toxicity for passion, or equating love with pain.
It took me a while to unlearn these patterns, but I realized that true love brings peace, not constant turmoil. It’s about respect, understanding, and mutual growth, not endless ups and downs.
7) Lack of healthy boundaries
Boundaries are crucial in any relationship. They define what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.
However, some women who constantly pick the wrong men often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. This could be due to a fear of rejection, or a belief that their needs aren’t important.
This lack of boundaries can lead to situations where they tolerate disrespect or mistreatment, believing that this is the price to pay for love.
But remember, establishing boundaries isn’t about controlling the other person, it’s about respecting yourself. It’s about communicating your needs clearly and standing up for yourself when those needs aren’t being met.
8) Neglecting intuition
One of the most powerful tools we have in our arsenal is our intuition. That gut feeling that tells you when something is off, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Women who often find themselves with the wrong men may have a tendency to overlook or dismiss their intuition. They might:
- Rationalize red flags
- Make excuses for their partner’s behavior
- Convince themselves that things will improve with time
But your intuition is there for a reason. It’s your internal compass, your built-in alarm system. Don’t ignore it. Trust it. It’s one of the best ways to steer clear of the wrong men and find the right one.
Final thoughts: It’s about self-love
The complexities of human emotions and relationship choices are deeply intertwined with our self-perception and past experiences.
A crucial takeaway is the importance of self-love and respect. These traits have a profound influence on the partners we choose. They guide us towards healthy relationships and steer us away from those that don’t serve us well.
If you find yourself constantly choosing the wrong men, it might be time to reflect on your self-worth.
Love shouldn’t diminish you, it should enrich you. You deserve a relationship that brings out the best in you, that encourages your growth, and respects your boundaries.