Ava Sinclair
As humans, it’s crucial to surround ourselves with people who lift us up, cheer us on, and sprinkle a little positivity wherever they go.
But let’s face it—friendships can sometimes get a bit messy. You might find yourself dealing with a so-called friend who’s secretly harboring some serious bad vibes—resentment, jealousy, or even the low-key desire to see you stumble.
These toxic tendencies can sneak up on you, disguised as subtle behaviors that are all too easy to miss at first. But don’t worry! With time, those red flags will start waving louder and clearer.
So, ready to play detective in your own life?
1) Subtle undermining
You might find this friend subtly dismissing your achievements or downplaying your successes. Maybe they change the subject when you’re discussing your accomplishments, or perhaps they always seem to find a way to bring up your past failures when you’re celebrating a win.
In other cases, they may plant seeds of doubt in your mind about your capabilities or decisions. They could be using phrases like “Are you sure that’s the best idea?” or “I don’t know if you’re ready for that yet.”
They might be wrapping their undermining comments in concern or ‘constructive criticism,’ making it even harder to recognize their true intentions. But over time, these small jabs can add up and undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem.
2) They revel in your misfortunes
While it’s natural to feel a twinge of jealousy or disappointment when a friend succeeds where we’ve failed, a friend who secretly wants you to fail takes this a step further.
You might notice that this friend seems particularly happy or relieved when things don’t go your way. Perhaps you didn’t get that job you were hoping for, or your latest business venture didn’t quite take off as expected. Instead of empathizing with your disappointment, they might seem oddly cheerful or dismissive about it.
This behavior is rooted in schadenfreude, a complex emotional response where one finds joy in the suffering of others. It’s often driven by feelings of envy, competitiveness, or deep-seated insecurity.
3) They’re overly generous with advice
You may find that this friend is always eager to give you their opinion, even when you haven’t asked for it. They might constantly suggest how you could do things differently or better.
While advice can be helpful, an excess of it can sometimes undermine your confidence in your own decisions and abilities. It subtly communicates the message that they know better than you do, or that you’re not capable of succeeding without their input.
This over-eagerness to advise could indicate that they’re not truly supportive of your endeavors – instead, they may be hoping that you’ll stumble and fall so they can step in with their ‘I told you so’ moment.
4) They never celebrate your success
It’s like they’ve got a chronic case of “congratulations-itis,” and the symptoms include being mysteriously busy during your big moments and offering lukewarm praise at best.
You might catch them brushing off your hard-earned success as “just luck” or downplaying it like it’s no big deal.
Psychologists suggest that this behavior often stems from deep-seated insecurity and envy, making it hard for them to be genuinely happy for you. A study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology highlights how envy can turn friends into frenemies, slowly chipping away at the relationship.
No matter how it shows up, the underlying message is the same: they’re not interested in celebrating your success.
5) They’re always comparing
Comparison can be a natural part of human relationships, but when it’s constant, it can indicate a deeper issue.
If you notice your friend is always comparing their life to yours, it could be a sign that they wish to see you fail. They might frequently bring up their achievements in response to yours or seem fixated on who’s doing better in various aspects of life.
Keep in mind, though, that this behavior often stems from their own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. It’s not about you, but about their struggle to feel good enough.
6) They’re never truly present
We’ve all been there—sharing something exciting with a friend, only to realize they’re half-listening, glued to their phone, or mentally checked out.
If your friend consistently seems distracted or disinterested when you’re talking about your wins or future plans, it might be a subtle hint that they’re not genuinely rooting for you. They might change the subject faster than you can say “success,” give vague responses like “that’s cool,” or simply not engage at all.
This kind of behavior can feel dismissive, leaving you wondering if your achievements even matter to them. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that individuals who frequently disengage during conversations might harbor feelings of envy or resentment, even if subconsciously.
7) They’re the eternal pessimist
We all know that one person who can find a dark cloud in every silver lining, right? It’s like they have a special talent for turning even the most positive news into something negative.
If your friend is always pointing out potential pitfalls in your plans or predicting doom and gloom for your dreams, they may not have your best interests at heart. They might be quick to highlight all the ways things could go wrong, rather than focusing on the possibilities for success.
Of course, a little caution can be a good thing, and it’s always helpful to be prepared for potential challenges. But if your friend is always raining on your parade, it might be time to consider whether they’re really hoping to see you shine.
8) They’re absent in times of need
When the chips are down, and you need a shoulder to lean on, true friends show up. It’s in these challenging times that their true colors shine through.
If your friend consistently disappears or distances themselves when you’re going through tough times, it’s a harsh reality check. Perhaps they’re nowhere to be found when you’re dealing with a failure or setback, or they seem uninterested in offering support.
It’s a tough love message, but genuine friends stand by your side through thick and thin.
9) They don’t inspire you to be better
At the heart of it all, genuine friends lift you up. They inspire you to be the best version of yourself, and they believe in your potential, even when you don’t.
If your friend doesn’t motivate you, or worse, makes you question your worth or capabilities, it’s a significant red flag. They might subtly discourage your ambitions or make you feel silly for dreaming big.
Remember this above all: true friendship should make you feel empowered and supported. If a friend leaves you feeling drained or doubtful more often than not, it’s time to reevaluate that relationship.
Final thoughts
If you’ve recognized a few or all of these signs in a friend, it’s understandable if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Recognizing a toxic friendship can be a hard pill to swallow.
But remember, it’s not about blaming or labeling your friend. As psychologist Dr. Laura Markham suggests, “We all have our moments of behaving poorly or being less supportive than we should be. What matters is the pattern, the balance.”
In other words, everyone can have an off day and behave in ways that aren’t ideal. However, if these signs are consistent and causing you distress, it might be time to take a closer look at the friendship.
The most important takeaway here is to trust your gut and prioritize your emotional wellbeing. If you’re not thriving in your friendship, it may be time for some honest conversations, setting boundaries, or even re-evaluating the relationship.
Don’t forget: You deserve relationships that uplift you, celebrate your successes, and encourage your growth. Don’t settle for anything less.
