7 subtle behaviors of men who struggle to be consistent in relationships, according to psychology

For years, consistency in relationships felt like a puzzle I just couldn’t solve.

You know the scenario:

• Keeping promises
• Showing up emotionally
• Managing conflict maturely
• Communicating effectively

And maintaining a steady, reliable connection without the highs and lows.

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit and an ardent psychology enthusiast. However, there was a time when I was bafflingly inconsistent in relationships.

My 20s were a rollercoaster of erratic behaviors. One day, I’d be all-in, fully committed. The next? Detached, distant, and aloof. This inconsistency not only confused my partners but left me feeling lost and perplexed.

It wasn’t until I delved into psychology that I recognized these patterns as subtle behaviors of men who struggle with consistency in relationships.

In this article, I’m going to share these 7 subtle behaviors with you. They helped me understand my tendencies and work towards healthier relationships, and hopefully, they can do the same for you.

Let’s dive into it.

1) Unresolved emotional baggage

The first subtle behavior that I recognized in myself was the presence of unresolved emotional baggage.

Psychology taught me that our past experiences, especially those related to attachment and relationships, shape our present behavior. For me, it was an old relationship that ended badly and left me with a fear of commitment.

This fear manifested in my inconsistency. One day I’d be fully engaged in a relationship, the next I’d be distant, driven by an unconscious fear of being hurt again.

Understanding this was a game-changer. It allowed me to recognize the root cause of my inconsistency, and it prompted me to work on resolving these past experiences.

If you find yourself swinging between extremes in your relationships, take some time to reflect on your past. Are there any unresolved experiences that might be influencing your behavior?

Acknowledging them is the first step towards overcoming their influence.

Just remember to be kind to yourself during this process. Unpacking emotional baggage is not easy, but it’s an important step towards more consistent relationships.

2) Difficulty expressing emotions

I’ve always found it hard to communicate my feelings, especially when they were negative. I would either bottle them up or let them explode, causing unnecessary tension and confusion in my relationships.

I remember one instance where I felt overwhelmed with work stress, but instead of sharing this with my partner, I withdrew and became irritable. When she tried to understand what was going on, I snapped, turning a small issue into a major argument.

Expressing emotions isn’t just about speaking; it’s about being present, listening, and responding appropriately. It’s about creating a safe space for open communication in your relationships.

So if you’re like me and struggle with expressing emotions, start small – share one thing you’re feeling each day with your partner without expecting anything in return. This simple act can pave the way for healthier, more consistent emotional communication.

3) Avoidance of vulnerability

I’ve always been a private person, keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. I thought it was a strength, a way to keep myself protected. But in relationships, this turned into a barrier that prevented deeper connections.

For instance, whenever conversations with my partner started to feel too personal or intimate, I would instinctively change the subject or make a joke to lighten the mood. I didn’t realize then that by doing this, I was avoiding being vulnerable and setting up a pattern of inconsistency in our relationship.

In retrospect, I understand that vulnerability is not a weakness but a strength when it comes to relationships. Being open about our fears, insecurities and feelings allows for genuine connection and consistency.

If you find yourself avoiding vulnerability, try to slowly open up more with your partner. Share something personal that you’ve never told anyone before. It might feel uncomfortable initially, but with time, it can lead to deeper and more consistent relationships.

4) Fear of commitment

I noticed a pattern in my past relationships: everything would be going well until talks of future plans or commitment came up. Then, I’d start to pull away, creating inconsistency and confusion.

Interestingly, this pattern is backed up by research. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that fear of commitment can lead to inconsistent behavior in relationships.

The study suggests that individuals who fear commitment often sabotage their relationships, causing unnecessary strain and inconsistency. It was a relief to know that there was a psychological basis for my behavior. It also gave me a clear area to focus on in my personal growth.

If you find yourself resisting commitment or feeling anxious about the future in your relationships, you might be dealing with a fear of commitment.

Recognize it and work on it. The first step could be as simple as having an open conversation with your partner about your fears and apprehensions about commitment.

5) Need for control

I’ve always liked having things go my way. I thought it was just being organized and decisive, but it soon started affecting my relationships. I would try to control not just situations, but also people’s reactions and feelings, leading to misunderstandings and resentment.

One particular relationship ended because I insisted on planning every detail of our outings, leaving no room for spontaneity or her input. This controlling behavior created an imbalance and ultimately led to our breakup.

Understanding that this need for control was a contributing factor to my inconsistency was a wake-up call. It forced me to reassess my behavior and strive towards becoming more flexible and understanding in my relationships.

If you find yourself exhibiting controlling behaviors, take a step back. Give your partner space to express themselves and make decisions. It might be challenging at first, but letting go of the need for control can significantly improve the consistency in your relationships.

6) Communication breakdown

The next behavior that I identified was a breakdown in communication.

There were times when I’d hold back from communicating my thoughts or feelings, thinking it would avoid conflict. But this only led to misunderstandings and strained dynamics in my relationships.

A specific instance that comes to mind was when a close friend of mine made a comment that upset me. Instead of addressing it directly, I chose to remain silent and let it fester. This led to resentment and a strained friendship until we finally addressed the issue months later.

I found solace in a quote from the famous psychologist Dr. John Gottman: “You can’t solve problems by avoiding each other.” This quote reinforced the idea that healthy communication is crucial for maintaining consistency in relationships.

So if you’re struggling with communication, remember Gottman’s words. Make it a point to express your feelings openly and honestly. It might lead to uncomfortable discussions, but it will pave the way for healthier, more stable relationships in the long run.

7) Ignoring self-care

In an effort to be present in my relationships, I often put my own needs on the back burner. I thought it was a selfless act, but it only led to burnout and resentment, impacting my consistency in relationships.

I recall a period when I was juggling multiple roles at work, a demanding social life, and a new relationship. I barely had time for myself, and this took a toll on my physical and mental health. Eventually, my relationship suffered as I struggled to maintain consistency amid the chaos.

The realization that self-care is not selfish but essential was transformative. It’s like the saying goes: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritizing self-care is crucial for maintaining consistency in relationships.

When finding yourself neglecting your own needs, start by setting aside some time each day for self-care. This could be anything from a quick workout, reading a book, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee in silence.

Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for maintaining consistency and balance in your relationships.

Conclusion

Recognizing and understanding these subtle behaviors is the first step towards building more consistent relationships. It’s important to remember that change takes time and patience, so be gentle with yourself during this process.

Start by acknowledging these behaviors if you see them in yourself. Then, take small but consistent steps towards improvement. This could mean working on your communication skills, addressing your fears of commitment, or simply setting aside some time each day for self-care.

Remember, the journey towards more consistent relationships is not a sprint, but a marathon. Keep moving forward, one step at a time.

And most importantly, don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you need it. There’s no shame in reaching out for guidance on your journey towards healthier, more consistent relationships.