Psychologists explain why some people get lucky in love and others simply don’t

For years, I wondered why love seemed effortless for some people while others—myself included—struggled to make it work.

You know the feeling—meeting someone and instantly clicking, as if you’ve known each other forever. Some relationships just flow effortlessly, free from constant doubts or overthinking.

In those connections, you feel truly seen and appreciated, not because you have to prove yourself but because you’re valued for who you are.

Yet, for the longest time, that wasn’t my reality. My relationships felt like a series of misfires—either fizzling out too soon or leaving me questioning what went wrong. I started to believe that maybe love was just about luck. Some people had it, and others didn’t.

But then I dove into psychology, and what I found changed everything.

As a long-time psychology enthusiast and founder of Hack Spirit, I’ve spent years exploring what makes relationships thrive. And according to psychologists, luck in love isn’t just random—it’s shaped by specific habits, beliefs, and behaviors.

In this article, I’ll break down what science says about why some people get lucky in love—and why others struggle. If you’ve ever felt unlucky in romance, this might just change your perspective.

Let’s get into it.

1) Lucky in love? It starts with your mindset

For the longest time, I thought finding love was all about chance—being in the right place at the right time, meeting the right person, and hoping for the best.

But psychology says otherwise.

Psychology shows that people who are “lucky” in love often have a particular mindset. They believe love is abundant rather than scarce, and they approach relationships with curiosity instead of fear.

In contrast, those who struggle in love often carry self-doubt, negative expectations, or unconscious beliefs that hold them back.

If you constantly tell yourself that relationships never work out for you, your mind will look for evidence to confirm that belief—and you’ll act in ways that push love away without even realizing it.

The good news? You can shift your mindset.

Start by noticing the stories you tell yourself about love. Do you believe you’re worthy of deep connection? Do you assume people will leave or hurt you? Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step to changing them.

Just like mindfulness helped me quiet my anxious mind, shifting my mindset around love helped me approach relationships with more openness—and that made all the difference.

2) Self-fulfilling prophecy: You attract what you expect

A few years ago, I went on a string of bad dates. Every time, I’d walk into the situation already convinced it wouldn’t work out. I’d think, “She’s probably not going to be interested in me” or “This is just going to be another awkward conversation.”

And guess what? That’s exactly what happened.

At the time, I thought I was just being realistic. But looking back, I realized I was setting myself up for failure before the date even started. Psychologists call this a self-fulfilling prophecy—when our expectations influence our behavior in ways that make those expectations come true.

If you walk into dating with doubt and fear, you’ll unconsciously act in ways that push people away—maybe by being guarded, distant, or overly critical. But if you expect connection and warmth, you’ll naturally behave in ways that invite it in.

Once I realized this, I made a conscious effort to change my approach. Instead of assuming a date would go badly, I started treating each one as a chance to meet someone interesting—no pressure, no expectations. And almost instantly, my experiences started to shift.

3) Emotional availability: You have to be open to receive love

For a long time, I told myself I wanted a great relationship. But if I’m being honest, I wasn’t actually open to one.

On the surface, I was going on dates and trying to meet the right person. But deep down, I kept people at arm’s length. I avoided vulnerability, dodged serious conversations, and convinced myself that if things didn’t work out, it was because I just hadn’t met “the one” yet.

The truth? I was emotionally unavailable—and I didn’t even realize it.

Psychologists say that emotional availability is one of the biggest factors in relationship success. If you’ve been hurt before (like I had), it’s easy to put up walls without noticing. But those same walls that keep out pain also keep out love.

I only started making real connections when I allowed myself to be more open—sharing my thoughts honestly, expressing how I felt, and letting people truly see me, flaws and all. It wasn’t easy, but it changed everything.

If love always seems just out of reach for you, ask yourself: “Am I truly open to it?” Because finding the right person isn’t just about luck—it’s about being ready to let them in.

4) The power of optimism: Positivity makes you more attractive

I used to think I needed to look a certain way or have a more exciting life to be more attractive to potential partners. But the biggest shift in my dating life didn’t come from changing my appearance—it came from changing my attitude.

There’s actual science behind this. A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that people with a positive attitude are seen as more attractive and desirable partners.

The study showed that optimism and emotional warmth play a huge role in how we perceive others, often more than physical looks.

When I was stuck in a negative mindset—complaining about dating, assuming people wouldn’t like me, or constantly focusing on what went wrong—my energy reflected that. But when I started approaching dating with curiosity and lightheartedness, things changed.

I became more enjoyable to be around, and as a result, I started attracting better connections.

If you feel like love never works out for you, take a step back and examine your outlook. Are you approaching relationships with frustration and doubt? Or with openness and optimism? Because science shows that the way you feel about love can be just as important as who you meet.

5) Shared values: Compatibility is more than just chemistry

For years, I chased relationships based on chemistry alone. If there was instant attraction, deep conversations, and that spark—you know, the one that makes you feel like you’ve known someone forever—I thought that was enough.

But over time, I learned the hard way that chemistry doesn’t always mean compatibility.

I once dated someone I had incredible chemistry with. We could talk for hours, we laughed at the same jokes, and everything felt effortless—until it didn’t.

As time passed, I started realizing that our core values didn’t align. We saw life differently, wanted different things, and had conflicting views on important topics like family, lifestyle, and personal growth.

Psychologists emphasize that while attraction initially brings people together, shared values are what make relationships last. According to research, couples who share fundamental beliefs and life goals have higher relationship satisfaction and longevity.

Once I started prioritizing values over just chemistry, my relationships became much healthier. There was less conflict, more mutual understanding, and a deeper sense of connection.

6) Self-worth: You attract the love you think you deserve

For years, I found myself in relationships where I felt like I had to prove my worth. I’d overextend myself, try too hard to please, and accept less than what I truly wanted—just to keep someone around.

Looking back, the problem wasn’t the people I was attracting. The problem was me.

I didn’t believe, deep down, that I deserved a great relationship. And because of that, I kept settling for less.

When you don’t see your own worth, you unconsciously tolerate behaviors that reinforce that belief. But when you start valuing yourself—setting boundaries, refusing to chase validation, and expecting respect—you naturally attract people who see your worth too.

7) Stop searching: Love finds you when you’re not obsessing over it

It sounds completely backward, but one of the biggest turning points in my love life came when I stopped making love my main focus.

For years, I was actively searching—swiping through dating apps, analyzing every interaction, and constantly wondering when I’d finally meet the right person. But the more I fixated on finding love, the more frustrating and exhausting the process became.

Then, something changed.

I decided to take a step back and focus on myself—my passions, my friendships, my personal growth. And ironically, that’s when I started attracting better relationships effortlessly.

When you chase something too desperately, you create tension and anxiety around it, which actually pushes it further away. In contrast, when you’re content with your own life, you naturally become more confident, relaxed, and attractive to others.

So if you’re constantly searching for love and feeling frustrated, try this practical shift:

For the next month, stop making dating a priority. Instead, focus on things that genuinely excite you—whether it’s a new hobby, fitness goal, or deepening your friendships. Ironically, when you stop obsessing over love, you create space for it to show up in the most unexpected ways.

Final thoughts: create your own luck in love

Love isn’t just about luck—it’s about mindset, emotional availability, and the way you show up in relationships.

If you’ve been struggling, don’t just wait for the right person to magically appear. Instead, focus on:

✅ Shifting your mindset to expect positive outcomes.
✅ Being emotionally open and available for real connection.
✅ Valuing yourself so you attract the love you deserve.
✅ Prioritizing shared values over fleeting chemistry.
✅ Letting go of desperation and focusing on your own growth.

The best part? When you work on these things, love doesn’t just become easier—it becomes healthier, more fulfilling, and far more meaningful.

So instead of asking, “Why am I not lucky in love?” start asking, “How can I create the right conditions for love to thrive?” That’s where real transformation begins.