Minh Tran
When someone says, “I’m fine”, sometimes they’re far from it. When they shrug and say, “It doesn’t matter”, often it does.
Welcome to the complexities of human communication.
Hidden behind the lines of everyday chatter are secret codes, left by those who have been hurt but never mastered the art of speaking about their pain.
Recognising these could make a world of difference – in understanding others, and perhaps, in understanding yourself.
Let’s unravel this emotional lexicon together.
1) “I’m fine”
One of the most common phrases, and perhaps the most deceptive of all.
“I’m fine” is often a mask worn by those who’ve been hurt but don’t know how to articulate their pain.
It’s a shield to ward off further questions, a quick escape route from a conversation that could delve into uncomfortable territory.
But you and I, we know better. We understand that “I’m fine” could be hiding a hurricane of emotions, a storm of unsaid words and unshed tears.
Next time someone tells you they’re fine, take a beat. Look them in the eye.
Ask them again. You might just be the lifeline they’ve been waiting for.
2) “It’s nothing, really”
This one hits home for me. I used to say this phrase a lot, especially during my college years.
“It’s nothing, really” became my go-to response whenever someone picked up on my downcast eyes or the forced cheer in my voice.
I would shrug, offer a weak smile and brush off their concern.
Looking back, I realise it was far from ‘nothing’. It was stress. It was loneliness.
It was a crippling fear of not living up to expectations. But I had no idea how to voice these feelings, so I downplayed them, I dismissed them as ‘nothing’.
And that’s what this phrase often is – a quiet plea for someone to see that it’s actually ‘something’.
If you hear this phrase, gently probe further. They might just need someone who cares enough to look beyond their words.
3) “I don’t want to talk about it”
This phrase is a red flag, a flashing neon sign that says: “Pain resides here”.
When someone says, “I don’t want to talk about it”, it signifies a struggle with emotional expression.
It’s their way of avoiding the discomfort of confronting their pain, of dredging up feelings that they’d rather keep buried.
Interestingly, a study by Harvard psychologists found that talking about our emotions can help reduce their intensity.
It’s a process called ‘affect labelling’, and it proves just how therapeutic conversation can be.
If someone uses this phrase, respect their boundary but remind them that when they’re ready, you’re there to listen.
Sometimes, knowing they’re not alone can be the first step towards healing.
4) “Doesn’t matter”
This phrase is a classic deflection, a smokescreen used by individuals who’ve been hurt but find it tough to express their pain.
When someone says, “Doesn’t matter”, they’re often trying to minimize the importance of something that’s been bothering them.
It’s their way of keeping you – and sometimes even themselves – at arm’s length from their emotional turmoil.
But just because they say it doesn’t matter, doesn’t mean it doesn’t.
Behind that seemingly dismissive phrase lies a world of unspoken thoughts and feelings.
If you hear this, don’t take it at face value.
Show them that their feelings do matter, and that it’s okay to express them. A little validation can go a long way.
5) “I just need some space”
When I hear this phrase, I know it’s time to step back, but not completely away.
“I just need some space” often means they’re grappling with something heavy and need to process it alone.
It’s not a rejection of your support, but an admission that they’re trying to navigate their inner turmoil.
In my experience, respecting their request is crucial.
It’s equally important to let them know that when they’re ready, I’ll be there to offer comfort or lend an ear.
Providing space doesn’t mean becoming distant. It’s about giving them room to breathe while ensuring they don’t feel abandoned in their struggle.
6) “I’m just tired”
Sounds simple, right? But it’s not always about physical exhaustion.
When someone repeatedly says, “I’m just tired”, they might be subtly hinting at emotional fatigue.
It’s an indirect way of expressing that they’re drained from dealing with their internal pain, but they don’t quite know how to talk about it.
Next time someone tells you they’re ‘just tired’, consider if there might be more behind their words.
A gentle inquiry into their emotional well-being could offer them a much-needed opportunity to share their burden.
7) “I don’t know”
This phrase is a common cry for help from those who’ve been hurt and are struggling to articulate their feelings.
“I don’t know” often means they’re lost in the labyrinth of their emotions, unsure of how to navigate their way out.
It could be a sign of confusion, frustration, or even fear of confronting their own pain.
If someone tells you they don’t know, be patient.
Offer your support and understanding. Sometimes, helping them untangle their feelings can start with simply acknowledging the complexity of their emotional state.
8) “I’m okay”
Arguably the most deceiving phrase of all.
When someone says, “I’m okay”, they might be far from it.
This phrase is often a protective facade, a means to hide their true feelings from the world.
Being ‘okay’ doesn’t mean they’re not hurting. It simply means they’re not ready or don’t know how to share their pain.
The next time you hear someone say, “I’m okay”, take a moment to look deeper.
Behind those simple words could be a silent plea for understanding and compassion. And your willingness to see that could make all the difference.
Understanding the unspoken
Reflecting on these phrases, you may realize that sometimes, silence speaks louder than words.
Understanding these unspoken codes of communication can open doors to deeper connections and foster a sense of empathy.
It’s about recognizing that when someone says “I’m fine”, they might be anything but, and when they utter “I don’t know”, they might be quietly asking for help.
Communication isn’t just about the words we say. It’s also about the words we don’t, the emotions we hide, and the pain we carry in silence.
The next time you hear one of these phrases, look a little deeper. Lend an empathetic ear. Offer a supportive shoulder.
Because sometimes, the simple act of understanding can be the most powerful form of communication.
And in doing so, you’re not just acknowledging their pain – you’re also reminding them that it’s okay to talk about it.
That it’s okay to feel. And most importantly, that they’re not alone in their struggle.
It’s these small acts of kindness and understanding that can make a world of difference to someone who’s been hurt but never learned how to talk about it.
Because in the end, we’re all just trying to understand and be understood – in our joy, in our pain, and everything in between.
