Eliza Hartley
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Children are like sponges, absorbing everything around them.”
But what happens when that sponge stops soaking up your wisdom and guidance?
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but when your kids don’t come to you for advice, it’s often a sign that something is off in your relationship.
Here’s the kicker.
You might be inadvertently pushing them away with certain behaviors.
So, if you’re asking yourself, “Why don’t my kids ever ask for my advice?” it’s time to take a step back and consider these seven behaviors that could be the culprits.
Let’s dive in.
1) You’re too quick to criticize
Let’s be honest. No one likes to be criticized – especially not kids.
When they come to you for advice, they’re opening up, showing their vulnerabilities. If their openness is met with immediate criticism, it can feel like a punch in the gut.
Constructive criticism is essential for growth. But there’s a fine line between guiding and criticizing.
If your first reaction is to point out what they’re doing wrong, they might start to feel more like they’re under a microscope than in a safe space.
And what happens next?
They stop coming to you for advice.
So, before you jump in with your critique, take a moment. Listen. Understand. And then guide them with love and patience.
2) You’re not really listening
This one hit me hard.
A few years back, my teenage son started to become distant. He stopped coming to me with his problems or seeking advice. It took me a while to figure out why.
One day, he was talking about his day at school, and I realized – I was only half-listening.
I was nodding along while thinking about the pile of work on my desk or what to cook for dinner.
I wasn’t truly present in that moment with him.
And guess what? Kids notice these things.
When they feel like they’re not being heard, they naturally pull away. They seek advice from those who give them their undivided attention.
That was a wake-up call for me. I started making a conscious effort to be present and attentive when my son talked to me.
And slowly, the distance began to close.
So, if your kids aren’t coming to you for advice, ask yourself – are you really listening when they talk?
3) You’re always in fix-it mode
Sometimes our kids don’t need a solution. They just need a shoulder to lean on.
I know, as parents, our instinctive reaction is to fix things for our children. But not every situation calls for a fix.
There are times when our kids just need us to sit with them in their problem, to empathize with their struggle, and to reassure them that they’re not alone.
But when we jump into solution mode too quickly, it can make them feel unheard, as if their feelings are secondary to the problem at hand.
So next time your child opens up about a problem, resist the urge to immediately offer a solution.
Instead, take a moment to empathize with their struggle. It may seem small, but this shift in your approach can make them feel more seen and understood – and more likely to seek your advice in the future.
4) You’re not sharing your own struggles
Remember, our kids look up to us.
But if we always appear flawless and invincible, it can create an unrealistic expectation for them to live up to.
Sharing your own struggles and vulnerabilities doesn’t make you weak. In fact, it does the opposite.
It shows your kids that it’s okay to not have all the answers, that it’s okay to make mistakes, and most importantly, that it’s okay to ask for advice.
I started opening up about my own insecurities and challenges with my children. I shared stories of times when I made mistakes or faced difficulties, and how I handled them.
It made them feel more comfortable to come to me with their own problems. They saw that even adults face challenges and seek advice – and that made them less hesitant to do the same.
Don’t be afraid to show your human side to your kids. It might just bring you closer than you think.
5) You’re not practicing what you preach
Actions speak louder than words.
It’s an old saying, but it holds a lot of truth – especially when it comes to parenting.
A study by the Josephson Institute of Ethics found that children often model their behavior after their parents’. If they see a discrepancy between what you advise and what you do, it can lead to confusion or even distrust.
Let’s say, for example, you tell your kids about the importance of honesty, but they catch you lying about something trivial. What message does that send?
It tells them that it’s okay to say one thing and do another.
And in the long run, it can make them less likely to seek your advice because they may feel that your words don’t hold weight.
Strive to live by the principles you want your children to embrace. It not only increases their respect for you but also makes them more likely to come to you for advice.
6) You’re not giving them the space they need
There are times when our kids just need some space to figure things out on their own.
As parents, we might feel the urge to step in and help them navigate every bump in the road. But sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is to step back.
Giving them room doesn’t mean you’re neglecting them. It simply means you’re allowing them to learn, grow, and develop their own coping mechanisms.
It showcases your trust in their abilities. And trust me, they’ll appreciate it.
When they know you trust them to handle their own issues, they feel more confident. And when they do need advice, they’ll be more likely to come to you because they know you respect their autonomy.
It’s not about being distant – it’s about giving them the right amount of space to grow.
7) You’re not asking them for advice
This might surprise you, but one of the most effective ways to encourage your kids to seek your advice is to ask for theirs.
Yes, you read that right.
Asking your kids for their opinion or advice makes them feel valued and respected. It reminds them that their thoughts and feelings matter – not just to them, but to you as well.
When they see that even adults need advice sometimes, it breaks down the barrier of authority and opens up a two-way street for communication.
Don’t be shy in seeking their perspective on things. You might be surprised at the wisdom they have to offer – and it could just pave the way for them to start seeking your advice more often.
Final thoughts
If you’ve noticed these behaviors in your interactions with your kids, remember – it’s never too late to make a change.
It all starts with self-awareness.
Begin by acknowledging these behaviors. Then, make a conscious effort to adjust the way you communicate and interact with your kids.
The journey might be challenging, and old habits take time to shift. But remember, every step you take towards change is progress.
Start small. Maybe it’s listening more than you speak, or sharing a personal struggle with your child. Each small step brings you closer to fostering a relationship where your kids feel safe and comfortable coming to you for advice.
Throughout this journey, remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Change takes time and all good things require effort.
As the American author and motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar once said, “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.” So let’s ensure the messages we’re sending are ones of love, trust, and mutual respect.
