If you grew up feeling like you didn’t belong in your family, you probably display these 9 behaviors as an adult

Feeling like an outsider in your own family is a unique kind of heartache, isn’t it?

It’s like you’re a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit. You look around at your family and wonder, “How did I end up here?”

But here’s the thing: that sense of not belonging can shape who you are as an adult. It can influence your behaviors, your relationships, and how you see yourself.

According to psychology, there are some common behaviors that adults who felt like outsiders as children often exhibit.

In this article, I’m going to share with you 9 of these behaviors. I hope that by recognizing these patterns, we can better understand ourselves and the impact of our childhood experiences.

Let’s dive in.

1) You’re a natural chameleon

Have you ever noticed how you can blend into different social situations with ease?

It’s like you have this uncanny ability to adapt your behavior to fit the crowd you’re in.

This isn’t random. If you grew up feeling like you didn’t belong in your family, chances are you had to learn how to adjust to them. Maybe you mimicked their behavior, or suppressed parts of yourself just to fit in.

As an adult, that ability to adapt didn’t disappear. In fact, it probably became a part of who you are.

You might find yourself changing your behavior, your language, even the way you dress, depending on who you’re with. It’s like putting on a different mask for different people.

But remember: just because you can change colors like a chameleon doesn’t mean you should lose sight of your own true colors. After all, there’s only one of you in this world. And that’s something to celebrate.

2) You have a hyperactive inner critic

Here’s the deal:

If you constantly felt like you didn’t fit in with your family, you might have developed a hyperactive inner critic. You know, that nagging voice inside your head that keeps pointing out your flaws and mistakes.

This inner critic is actually a psychological concept known as self-criticism. It’s when you habitually evaluate yourself harshly, even when there’s no objective reason to do so.

But why does it happen?

Well, when you constantly feel like an outsider, you might start believing there’s something wrong with you. And this can create a vicious cycle of self-doubt and self-criticism.

Self-criticism isn’t always based on reality. It’s often just a reflection of past experiences and perceived inadequacies. This is just one of the ways that feeling like an outsider in your family can impact your adult behavior.

3) You are fiercely independent

Now this might seem a bit counter-intuitive. You’d think that someone who grew up feeling like they didn’t belong would be desperate to fit in, right? But often, the opposite is true.

Instead of seeking approval and acceptance from others, you might have developed a strong sense of independence. After all, if you couldn’t rely on your family to make you feel accepted, you probably learned to rely on yourself instead.

This fierce independence can manifest in various ways. You might prefer doing things on your own rather than in a team. You may also have a strong desire to prove yourself, to show that you are capable and self-sufficient.

However, it’s important to note that while independence is generally seen as a positive trait, being excessively independent can sometimes lead to isolation or difficulty in forming close relationships.

This is another behavior that can result from growing up feeling like an outsider in your family.

4) You often feel like an outsider

Ever walked into a room full of people and still felt utterly alone?

This feeling of being an outsider isn’t just limited to your family. It can seep into other areas of your life too. Workplaces, social gatherings, even intimate relationships – you might often find yourself feeling like you’re on the fringe, looking in.

This could be because you’ve internalized that feeling of not belonging from your childhood. It’s become a part of your self-concept, your understanding of who you are.

But just because you feel like an outsider doesn’t mean you are one. Sometimes, our perceptions can be influenced by our past experiences and not necessarily reflect our current reality.

5) You’re drawn to other “outsiders”

When you’ve felt like an outsider for most of your life, you might find yourself feeling a strange kinship with others who’ve had similar experiences. This could show up in numerous ways:

  • Choosing friends who also feel like they don’t fit in.
  • Feeling a deep connection with characters in books or movies who are portrayed as outsiders.
  • Being drawn to causes that support marginalized or ostracized groups.

This attraction to other outsiders can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can provide a sense of understanding and camaraderie. On the other hand, it can sometimes reinforce feelings of being different or not belonging.

6) You’re sensitive to rejection

Rejection hurts. It’s a universal human experience. But for those of us who grew up feeling like we didn’t belong in our own families, rejection can feel like a confirmation of our deepest fears.

It’s like every time we face rejection, it’s not just about that specific incident. It feels like a painful echo of the past, a reminder of that time when we felt rejected by the very people who were supposed to accept us unconditionally.

I think it’s important for us to remember that everyone faces rejection at some point. It’s not a reflection of our worth or our belonging.

And while it’s normal to be sensitive to rejection, let’s not let it define us or our self-worth. We are more than the rejection we face.

7) You value authenticity over acceptance

Imagine you’re at a social gathering. You have two choices: either you can pretend to be someone you’re not to fit in, or you can be your true self, risking that you might not be accepted.

Which one would you choose?

If you grew up feeling like an outsider in your family, chances are, you’d choose authenticity over acceptance. Because you’ve experienced what it’s like to suppress your true self in order to belong.

This might make social situations challenging at times. It might mean that you have fewer friends, or that you feel misunderstood.

But ask yourself: isn’t it better to be loved for who you truly are, rather than for who others want you to be?

8) You’re always searching for ‘home’

When your family doesn’t feel like home, you might spend a lot of your life searching for that feeling elsewhere. It could be a physical place, a person, a group of friends, a passion — something that gives you that sense of belonging that you craved growing up.

I remember moving to a new city on my own post-college. I knew no one there and had no familial ties. Yet, the moment I stepped foot there, I felt an inexplicable sense of belonging. It was as if I had finally found ‘home’.

This search for ‘home’ isn’t just about finding a place where you belong. It’s about finding peace within yourself, accepting who you are, and embracing your journey — even if it began with feeling like an outsider in your own family.

9) You have resilience in spades

If you grew up feeling like you didn’t belong in your family, there’s one characteristic that you probably have in abundance: resilience.

You’ve faced rejection, felt like an outsider, and carried a burden that is difficult to articulate. But here’s the thing: you’re still standing. You’ve not only survived but thrived in many ways.

This resilience is a testament to your strength.

And remember, despite everything, you’ve turned out to be an individual capable of self-reflection, empathy, and courage. That’s something truly remarkable.

Where do we go from here?

Recognizing these behaviors is just the first step. The real journey begins when we start to heal and grow from our experiences. Here are a few paths you might consider:

  • Therapy: A trained professional can provide invaluable insights and strategies to address these behaviors and their underlying causes.
  • Self-reflection: Regular introspection can help you understand your feelings and behaviors better.
  • Support groups: Connecting with others who’ve had similar experiences can provide comfort, understanding, and camaraderie.

Growing up with a sense of not belonging in your family is challenging, no doubt. But remember, every experience shapes us, adds depth to our character, and carves us into the individuals we become.

Take a moment to appreciate your journey, your resilience, and the remarkable person you’ve become despite the odds.

Because you, in all your authenticity and complexity, belong in this world.

Mia Zhang

Mia Zhang blends Eastern and Western perspectives in her approach to self-improvement. Her writing explores the intersection of cultural identity and personal growth. Mia encourages readers to embrace their unique backgrounds as a source of strength and inspiration in their life journeys.

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