Eliza Hartley
For years, I tried to be everything for everyone.
The perfect friend, the reliable daughter, the supportive partner.
I bent over backwards to meet expectations—sometimes even before they were spoken.
But no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough and, more importantly, it was exhausting.
Now, I’m learning a simple but life-changing truth: It’s okay to disappoint people.
As long as I’m staying true to myself, I don’t have to carry the weight of everyone else’s happiness.
Letting go of that pressure isn’t easy.
But the more I embrace it, the freer I feel—here’s what I’m learning along the way:
1) People will be disappointed no matter what you do
For the longest time, I thought if I tried hard enough, I could avoid letting people down.
If I said yes to every request, showed up for everyone, and never made a decision that upset anyone, then surely no one would ever feel disappointed in me.
But the truth is, no matter what you do, someone will always wish you had done things differently.
You can’t control other people’s expectations or their reactions.
Realizing this was freeing; instead of constantly trying to keep everyone happy, I started focusing on what felt right for me.
Ironically, when I stopped trying so hard to please everyone, I felt more at peace in my relationships than ever before.
2) Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person
I used to say yes to everything—helping friends move, covering extra shifts at work, attending events I didn’t even want to go to.
I told myself it was just part of being a good person.
But deep down, I felt drained; I’d overcommit, then resent the very people I was trying to please.
I remember one weekend when I had planned to rest after a stressful week.
A friend asked me to help them with a last-minute project, and even though I was exhausted, I said yes.
By the time Sunday rolled around, I was mentally and physically wiped out.
That’s when it hit me: constantly saying yes wasn’t kindness—it was self-betrayal.
Now, I remind myself that saying no doesn’t make me selfish or unkind.
It simply means I respect my own limits—and the people who truly care about me understand that.
3) Prioritizing yourself improves your relationships
When you constantly put others before yourself, it might seem like you’re strengthening your relationships.
But in reality, it often does the opposite.
People who suppress their own needs for the sake of others are more likely to experience burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
Over time, this can lead to frustration and distance in relationships rather than closeness.
On the other hand, setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being allows you to show up as your best self.
When you take care of your own needs first, you have more energy, patience, and emotional availability for the people who truly matter.
The healthiest relationships aren’t built on self-sacrifice—they’re built on mutual respect and understanding.
4) Not everyone will understand your growth—and that’s okay
When you start setting boundaries and prioritizing yourself, some people won’t like it.
Especially if they benefited from the version of you that always said yes, never complained, and put their needs first.
I used to worry when people reacted negatively to my changes as I questioned myself: Was I being selfish? Was I pushing people away?
But over time, I realized something important: The right people will respect your growth, even if it takes them time to adjust.
Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.
Some relationships will evolve, and others might fade—and that’s okay.
The people who truly value you will support the version of you that values yourself.
5) External validation will never be enough
For years, I measured my worth by how others saw me.
If people were happy with me, I felt like I was doing something right. If someone was upset or disappointed, I felt like I had failed.
I didn’t realize how exhausting it was to live that way—frequently scanning for approval, adjusting myself to fit what others wanted, always chasing a sense of validation that never lasted.
No matter how much praise or reassurance I got, it was never enough to quiet the fear that I wasn’t doing enough, being enough.
It wasn’t until I started looking inward that things changed.
Instead of asking, “Do they approve of me?”, I started asking, “Do I approve of myself?”
For the first time, that actually felt like a question worth answering.
6) There’s no need to explain yourself
I used to think that every decision I made needed to come with a detailed explanation—especially if it disappointed someone.
If I turned down an invitation, set a boundary, or chose something different from what others expected, I felt obligated to justify it.
But the truth is: You don’t owe anyone an explanation for prioritizing yourself.
“No” is a complete sentence.
“I can’t make it” doesn’t require a long excuse.
Over-explaining often comes from guilt—the need to soften the blow or seek approval—but real confidence comes from knowing that your choices are valid, even if no one else understands them.
7) You are allowed to choose yourself
For so long, I believed that being a good person meant putting myself last.
That love meant self-sacrifice; that my worth was tied to how much I could give.
But I’ve learned that choosing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
You are allowed to set boundaries without feeling guilty, you are allowed to walk away from relationships that drain you, and you are allowed to disappoint others if it means staying true to yourself.
At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with your choices—make sure they’re choices you can live with.
Bottom line: You are not responsible for other people’s expectations
Human relationships are complex, shaped by unspoken rules, past experiences, and deeply ingrained expectations.
Psychologists have long studied the concept of people-pleasing, often linking it to early conditioning—where love and approval felt conditional on meeting others’ needs.
Over time, this can create a pattern where disappointing someone feels like a personal failure.
However, other people’s expectations are not your responsibility.
You are not here to be what everyone else wants you to be.
Letting go of the need for constant approval isn’t easy, but it’s necessary for true self-acceptance.
The more you embrace your own needs, the more you’ll attract relationships built on genuine respect—ones that don’t require you to shrink yourself to fit.
