Pearl Nash
Have you ever gotten an email or a text message that said, “Just a friendly reminder that the yogurts in the fridge are not to be shared” and freaked the hell out because you had, in fact, eaten some of those delicious yogurts?
Yeah. “Just a friendly reminder” may sound polite, but it carries very passive-aggressive undertones.
A friendly reminder about yogurts may sound friendly enough, but the true sentiment behind it goes more along the lines of, “Stop stealing my stuff and get your ass to the grocery store, Kevin!”
So, which are the 10 common phrases that sound polite but come from a place of passive aggression?
Let’s find out.
1) “Thanks in advance”
Look, I get it. You want to thank someone for their time. You want to be polite.
That’s all good and well.
But “thanks in advance” doesn’t really work, and that’s because it essentially tells the other person they are required to do whatever it is you’re asking of them.
It says, “I assume you will go along with this and therefore I am thanking you in advance.”
This could be interpreted as passive-aggressive, especially if the person in question isn’t sure whether they do want to comply with your wishes.
Here are a few respectful and better alternatives:
- “Thank you for taking the time to read this”
- “Thanks for your consideration”
- “Thank you for your time”
- “Thank you”
2) “With all due respect…”
“With all due respect” is usually followed up by something that isn’t respectful at all.
The phrase is essentially used as a blanket statement that covers up (very ineffectively, may I add) the harshness of the sentence that comes after it.
You can go so far as to say, “With all due respect, I think you’re a complete tw*t,” and the first part of the statement won’t help you whatsoever.
In fact, it might actually make matters worse because it’ll make you sound even more passive-aggressive.
If you want to be harsh or cruel, “With all due respect” isn’t going to soften the blow. It may only upset the person further.
3) “No offense, but…”
On a similar note, “No offense” tends to be followed by something offensive.
We all know that, and yet we keep using it as if the simple act of *saying* we don’t mean to offend could soften the actual insult itself.
“No offense, but that hairstyle’s terrible.”
How is the person meant to *not* take that as an offense?
Just because you say something isn’t offensive doesn’t make it not be that way.
While “No offense” might sound like a polite way to show respect, the end result is the complete opposite: it sounds passive-aggressive and cruel.
4) “How are you getting on with that overdue task?”
I’m not going to lie. If I were to get an email like this, I’d freak out.
If a co-worker or a client asks you how you’re getting on with something they’ve been waiting for or something that’s now overdue, there’s a high chance they’re asking you in the most polite way possible to hurry the hell up.
The phrase screams, “I’m running out of patience and I need you to deliver this immediately!”
Of course, most people are too nice to actually say that kind of stuff (both because it’s unkind and unprofessional), and so they resort to polite questions about the state of your workload instead.
5) “That’s an interesting opinion”
I’ve lived in the UK for quite some time now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about British people, it’s that they are masters at hints and subtle passive-aggressive remarks.
Instead of telling you that your suggestion is completely rubbish or that your opinions are abhorrent, they’ll nod their head slowly as if they were genuinely considering what you have to say and then reply, “Hmm. That’s an interesting way to look at it.”
What they really mean to say is that they disagree and will ditch your ideas in the bin.
Of course, some people do genuinely consider your opinion interesting. It all depends on the tone of their voice, their facial expressions, and whether they ask any follow-up questions or change the topic immediately.
6) “Thanks for your input”
This phrase is in a very similar vein to the one above in so that it serves to placate you rather than to seriously consider your suggestions.
A person can flash you a smile and thank you for your input just to roll their eyes the moment you’re not looking.
Again, this isn’t to say they don’t actually appreciate your ideas.
But if “Thanks for your input” is all they have to say before they move on to somebody else, it probably means your input wasn’t great and they’re trying to let you down easy.
7) “There’s no need to get upset”
Ugh, I hate this one, especially if it’s said in a very placating tone of voice – as if you were a child who needed to be calmed down by a responsible adult.
While “There’s no need to get upset” is mostly used to de-escalate situations that have gotten out of hand, it often has the complete opposite effect.
Why?
Because the phrase invalidates people’s feelings, making them feel all the more invisible and upset. This might trigger them to argue with even more fervor or cause a bigger scene.
What’s more, “There’s no need to get upset” can sound very passive-aggressive because it shows that the person disagrees with how you’re handling things and looks down on you in a way, which is, of course, incredibly frustrating.
8) “If that’s what you really want”
“If that’s what you really want” is a very simple yet quite passive-aggressive way to express disagreement.
You don’t have to explicitly say that it’s a terrible idea, but you also don’t have to lie and pretend you’re all for it.
Instead, you just direct the attention to the person in question, telling them that if this is what they really want, you can’t stop them.
Not my monkeys, not my circus, and all that.
Of course, a genuine friend will tell you their true opinion on the matter – even if it means you might need to have an uncomfortable conversation.
High-quality friendships are built upon honesty and loyalty, not pretense and passive-aggressive remarks that hint at the truth underneath.
9) “Fine”
Whilst there’s nothing wrong with “Fine” in and of itself, the word has gained such negative connotations that it is nearly impossible to use it in a way that signals agreement or joy.
If someone asks you whether it’d be okay for you to do something for them and you reply with “Fine,” it is very obvious that you’re quite unhappy about it.
Most people who say “Fine” are not fine at all.
They’re just resorting to passive aggression in order to avoid direct confrontation while also expressing some level of frustration.
10) “Just a friendly reminder”
Finally, this article wouldn’t be complete without “Just a friendly reminder,” aka, the phrase that makes everyone want to hide in a cave somewhere and never come back out.
I once left my shift at a part-time job while everyone else was still cleaning up (I was seventeen and selfishly wanted to go to bed. Not my greatest moment, I admit).
The next day, I – and everyone else at work – got an email that said, “Just a friendly reminder that all staff should stay at work and try to help until the premises are properly clean and ready for tomorrow’s shift. Thank you for your cooperation.”
Yep, I can confirm that I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself in it.
While I’ve moved on since then, “Just a friendly reminder” still haunts me to this day.
So, on a final note…
If the whole company gets a friendly reminder that’s directed at you specifically, it’s safe to say the email sounds polite but is actually quite passive-aggressive.
