Pearl Nash
Growing up I figured I’d end up meeting the right guy sometime around college and falling completely in love.
Maybe I watched too many romantic comedies as a teen or I just have an idealistic personality.
All I know is that life hasn’t worked out that way for me, at least not yet.
I met a guy, true, one I really liked. But then it didn’t work out and started to turn into exactly what I’d been afraid of: getting my heart badly broken by someone I cared about.
In fact as of this writing I’m a single woman, following a parting of ways with my boyfriend of 10-months, a handsome but cocky guy who I still have way more feelings for than I should.
You may be wondering what happened, and to be honest, so am I.
It was going so well, until it just … wasn’t.
The breakup was nasty
My boyfriend became moody and withdrawn a couple months before we actually broke up.
I became more and more stressed with my studies. We started talking less and arguing more.
If you’d asked him I guess I am the most annoying person in the world. But I still thought we had something really special going.
When we eventually broke up it was just awful: I said things I never thought I’d say to another human being, and what he said to me still hurts so much.
Now it’s been two months of pure torture and I just want to know if he actually misses me at all. Is he thinking of me or not?
This is my list of evidence. I’ve made a concerted effort to be as realistic as possible and make this a guide for whether he’s really thinking of you or not by using my situation as an example.
1) He tries to get back in touch with you
Any ex who cared about you at all is going to be thinking of you sometimes.
What you want to know and I want to know is whether he’s thinking of you on a regular basis and in the way of liking you.
If he’s thinking of you in an angry or bitter way, that doesn’t help you out, either.
The signs that you’re on his mind in a romantic way, include him trying to get back in touch with you.
It could be as simple as messaging you about an upcoming event all the way to sending you a long email or voicemail about how he’s doing and asking about you.
That’s what a man does when a woman’s on his mind. Make no mistake about that.
2) He closely follows you on social media
Social media was a place that my boyfriend and I spent a lot of time. Too much time, probably if I’m being honest.
We posted so many selfies on Instagram that I think it’s facial recognition system still probably thinks we’re together.
Anyway, he’s no longer following me on social media and he blocked me on Instagram, although I am still unblocked on Facebook (or is it “Meta” now?) and his profile is open/public.
I’m also unblocked on Twitter.
So I guess you can say I’m 50% unblocked.
This is an important sign because if he’s still lurking after you on your socials then it’s a big sign that you’re still on his mind.
In my situation he’s not even following me anymore and I have no evidence that he’s viewed any of my stories from a third party account or anything like that.
But if you’re noticing that he is still watching what you do then you’re at least somewhat on his mind.
3) He drops out of society completely
When a breakup hits hard, the signs of it can sometimes best be seen by someone’s total withdrawal from public life.
You see this even with a celebrity when they have an awful breakup and end up trying to disappear.
Poor Ben Affleck even got a number of photos of him go viral after his last breakup as he bought orders from Dunkin Donuts and stood smoking on the street looking like he was done with all of existence.
Your ex may not become a meme, but he might well become a ghost and disappear.
And if he does that then you can be quite sure that he’s likely thinking about you somewhere in his dark man cavern. Even if he’s just gaming 24/7 or guzzling beers, at least you can be quite confident that he’s doing that to stop himself thinking about you.
Which means he’s been thinking about you. Or wants to think of you due to still liking you, and then stops himself.
4) He doesn’t forget key dates
If he’s still wishing you happy birthday or sending condolences on the day you lost a family member, he definitely has not forgotten you.
My ex-boyfriend has not. Many of the outer signs of him still thinking about me have not been present and have been more subtle.
But sometimes these signs are much more evident, such as in this point.
If the guy is still reaching out to remind and congratulate you or comfort you on happy or sad dates then he’s definitely still got some feelings for you.
At the very least, he wants to maintain contact with you in some way or be friends.
Better than nothing, right?
5) His friends say he’s asking about you
Never doubt the power of the grapevine. If you hear through his friends or your mutual friends that he’s been talking about you, then you know that you’re on his mind.
We talk about what we care about, though to be fair it’s not always in a good way.
Try to ask what exactly he’s been saying about you. Sometimes it might be quite general. Perhaps he’s just been asking if people know how you’re doing.
But other times it may be decidedly more specific:
Maybe he’s mentioned to a couple friends that he feels awful about what happened and doesn’t feel he’ll meet a woman he cares about so much again.
Or maybe he’s said that he harbors a lot of resentment toward you and that your relationship was a mistake.
Either way, friends can be a very useful way to find out how much you’ve been on his mind (in a positive or negative way!)
6) He makes a big show of forgetting you
When you forget about someone you do just that: forget them.
When you don’t forget about someone you often will try overly hard to show off about forgetting them.
It’s like someone being over-defensive: it begs the question of why they’d be trying so hard and making such a big deal about something or someone they didn’t care about much.
If you notice that he’s posting all sorts of provocative, hurtful, deeply personal or touching quotes online or that he’s out partying like crazy and acting really happy…
It’s often a key sign that he can’t get you off his mind so he’s trying to physically shift his life and pepper his online and offline persona full of boasting about moving on.
If he’s moved on so much, why not get on with it?
Why be so focused on showing he’s moved on if he really has?
7) He still helps you in subtle ways
My boyfriend did do this, actually. My ex-boyfriend I mean. It’s hard for me to get used to saying the words.
He’s helped me out a few times in subtle ways by referring me to new clients to work with me.
I never expected it and was a bit embarrassed at first when I heard where my new clients had been directed from. Not to say I didn’t accept the work.
If your ex is still helping and caring about you in subtle ways then it shows two things.
It shows that they are willing to forgive you or feel they are somewhat in the wrong, and it shows that they either have feelings for you or are feeling kindly toward you in some way.
They want to put a new foot forward and interact nicely with you, and they want you to think of them in a good light the next time you do think of them.
8) He tries to replay your relationship (with someone else)
This sign can be hard to notice unless you know what’s going on in your ex’s personal life.
But a big marker that he’s far from over you is when he starts dating someone new who’s clearly just a version 2.0.
Maybe she looks like you, comes from a similar background or has a similar set of interests and priorities.
And not only that, but he takes her to similar vacation spots…
Posts their special song with her in just the way he did with you…
Starts being exactly the type and style of couple that you were when you were together.
He’s not in love with someone new, he’s trying to replay what he had with you.
But of course that’s the thing is that you could copy every action from a past relationship but it will still never be the same with a new person.
9) He leaves you unblocked, or unblocks you
I mentioned earlier that I’m blocked on Instagram and still unblocked on his open Facebook profile and Twitter. That means I can still see what he’s up to on those places, but not on Insta, which was the main place he used anyway.
Part of me feels like he did it to kind of tease me, but on the other hand I think it’s also just that he doesn’t care as much about the other two since he rarely uses them.
This is an important sign though because blocking is really only something you do when you’re sure you want no more contact with someone.
If he’s done that then he may be thinking of you, but unless and until he unblocks you or meets you in person and resolves things, his feelings for you or thoughts about you aren’t really going to make a difference in the real world.
10) He orients his actions to impressing you and getting your attention
Like I wrote earlier, when you forget about someone you just…forget about them.
But if he’s making a big effort to show you that he’s gotten over you, he probably hasn’t gotten over you.
On the flip side, if he’s been making a big effort to do changes and things in his life that you like or that he probably thinks will impress you, you shouldn’t think it’s a mistake.
It’s much more likely to be on purpose as a kind of homing beacon to get your attention and see if there’s a spark left in your heart.
This is particularly true if you notice him making changes in his life, appearance, beliefs or focus that are things you always wanted from him during the relationship.
He never listened then, but now he is. You’re on his mind, you can bet on that.
What about if he just wants to hook up again?
There should be a note of caution I put in here.
In some situations your ex is thinking of you and wanting to get back in touch just for sex. It really sucks, but it’s a fact that sometimes guys think with their little head instead of their big one.
If this is happening to you then it’s up to you to be realistic: if you’re still in love with your ex then him using you for sex is not going to make you happy. In fact, it’s likely to only break your heart even more.
Finding out whether he just wants to hook up again is basically just a matter of asking him and paying attention to the kind of messages he’s sending.
If he always focuses on sex or missing you in an intimate way, it’s probably not him still being in love and sounds more like him using you as a backup plan for his weekend thrills.
But if he’s talking respectfully and really wanting to meet, talk and reconnect with you then it’s a different matter. Love may still be on the table, as long as he’s potentially open to it.
Where do we go from here?
If you’re on your boyfriend’s mine then he still has some feelings for you. At the very least he regrets the breakup or feels sadness about it.
Your job is to canvas your own emotions and reflect on how you feel for him. If he’s been on your mind a lot, is it about still being in love or just nostalgia or physical desire?
Is this man really going to be a part of your future or is he just a fond or painful memory from the past.
