The line between a boyfriend and some guy you’re “kind of seeing” can be very thin.
That’s why I’ve put together this guide to tell once and for all whether or not he’s your boyfriend.
Read through and get some answers.
“Is he my boyfriend” – 15 signs he definitely he is! (and 5 signs he isn’t)
1) He tells you you’re exclusive and committed
Talk is cheaper than action, I totally get that.
But the truth is that words do still mean something, and you’re not going to be able to really call a guy your boyfriend if there aren’t a few things verbally established.
For one, you have to be exclusive and not be seeing other people.
Secondly, you want to have at least some commitment in the sense that you talk on a regular basis, have feelings for each other and so on.
There are a lot of parts of a relationship that are flexible, but without knowing whether he’s even seeing other girls or wants to be exclusively with you, he’s not your boyfriend.
“A healthy relationship forgoes the what-ifs because, with the right man, you always know where you stand.”
2) He improves your relationship with yourself
One of the most important signs he’s really your boyfriend is that he helps you have a better relationship with yourself.
The truth is, most of us overlook an incredibly important element in our lives:
The relationship we have with ourselves.
I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his genuine, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
He covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependency habits and unhealthy expectations. Mistakes most of us make without even realizing it.
So why am I recommending Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences in love weren’t much different to yours and mine.
Until he found a way to overcome these common issues. And that’s what he wants to share with you.
So if you’re ready to make that change today and cultivate healthy, loving relationships, relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple, genuine advice.
3) He spends real time and energy to be with you and take you out
If a guy is your boyfriend, he will make a real effort to be with you.
Even if he has a busy schedule, he’ll come pick you up, plan out date nights and take an active and ongoing interest in your life.
He’ll want to be around you and go out of his way to make that happen.
Even if he does cancel sometimes and isn’t always perfect, you’ll know that he genuinely wants to see you and that he’s not doing it out of duty or just for the hell of it.
If he’s your boyfriend officially but he rarely sees you and only shoots you a text every week or two what does it really matter if “says” he is?
This is where the rubber meets the road: when he’s your boyfriend he actually spends time with you.
4) He wants more than just sex
Whether or not you’re having sex with this guy, you can tell if it’s the main focus or not.
One of the top signs he’s your boyfriend and that he’s serious about you is that sex isn’t what’s always on his mind.
Clearly he’s interested and is physically attracted to you, but he’s also interested in more.
He enjoys your conversations and the connection you have, and he doesn’t roll over and try to ditch you as soon as you leave bed.
A booty call pumps and dumps: a boyfriend stays.
“Sure, the sex is mind-blowing.
But that’s not the only way he wants to get close to you. Hikes, lunches, dinners, movies….
A boyfriend knows that while sex is an important bonding tool, it’s just one facet of a healthy relationship. Which he wants with you.”
5) He stays in touch with you and tells you how he feels
If he’s your boyfriend, he’ll find a way to open up to you and talk to you even if he’s extremely busy.
Even if he doesn’t have time to physically see you as often as he’d like, he’ll take the time to send you a text…
Or a joke…
Or just a selfie.
And he’ll check in with you and ask how you’re feeling.
He’ll take you out on dates, sweep you off your feet now and then and open up about how he’s feeling.
Being emotionally vulnerable doesn’t always come easy to many (or most) guys, but he’ll make the effort to do it!
That’s a boyfriend right there, girlfriend.
6) He tells friends and family that you’re together
When it comes to knowing whether or not he’s really your boyfriend, listen to what he says to other people.
Does he introduce you as his “friend,” does he call you his “girlfriend” or does he avoid mentioning any label for you altogether?
Maybe he just says “this is Julia,” or whatever your name is…
If he’s your boyfriend, then he’s going to be proud to let his friends and family – and even strangers – know that you’re his girlfriend.
He’ll come right out and say it.
“An official boyfriend would be proud to admit that you guys are together.
He loves you and would like to tell the whole world that you belong to him.”
7) He’s proud to be out in public with you
On a related note to the last one about how a guy who’s your boyfriend will be happy to tell friends and family about it…
He’ll also be proud to be out in public with you.
And by out I mean holding hands, clearly a couple and publicly displaying affection.
One caveat on that is that not all guys – or girls – are comfortable with PDAs (public displays of affection).
So if he brushes aside a kiss in the grocery store or when you’re out walking that might be a real dislike he has of PDAs.
But aside from that, the basic point is that a guy who truly considers you his girlfriend will be glad to “make it official” and have people aware of it.
8) He’s ready to burn his bridges
Whether you’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks or a few months or more, he’s not your boyfriend if he’s still chatting up other girls.
Apps can become addictive and can basically turn into a form of sexting and a kaleidoscope of dating options.
If this guy still has Tinder or Bumble on his phone or has social media inboxes full of bimbos then there’s definitely a limit to how seriously he takes your connection.
And it would be a shame to think of him as your boyfriend when he doesn’t care either way.
As Aya Tsintziras writes, you have no real grounds to call a guy your boyfriend until he deletes Tinder and other dating apps.
“By now, it’s pretty obvious that some people think they have tons of ‘options’ and can treat dates like disposable objects.
“If your guy is not into the dating game and seems to appreciate that he’s lucky to have found you, “that’s a good sign.
“He definitely shouldn’t be swiping still when you two are getting serious-ish.”
9) He talks with you about your future together as a couple
One of the most important things to note about a guy who’s really your boyfriend is that he’ll enjoy talking about the future together as a couple.
No matter whether he’s a good organizer and planner, the idea of a future together will bring a smile to his face.
He’ll like thinking about it, at least in a general way.
If he doesn’t consider himself your boyfriend or is unsure how he feels about you, thinking about the future as a couple will terrify him, however.
You’ll notice he looks like a deer in the headlights when the topic comes up.
That’s not good!
But if he gets a buzzed-out smile and really seems into it then you’ve found a guy who’s actually your boyfriend.
10) He feels like a hero around you
The difference between a guy you’re “kind of seeing” and a guy who’s your boyfriend can be a mile wide.
Even though it might look similar on the surface, there’s a hidden factor that determines whether many guys truly want to commit or not.
And many women don’t know about it…
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.
The truth is, it comes at no cost or sacrifice to you. With only a few small changes in how you approach him, you’ll tap into a part of him no woman has tapped into before.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
11) You don’t have to make excuses for his bad behavior
When he’s your boyfriend, you are secure enough to be honest about him and how he acts.
You don’t make excuses for his behavior or have to put on a brave face when you hear about him flirting with other girls, acting the fool out with his buddies or being an all-around jerk.
Your boyfriend may be a jerk – how would I know? – but if he is you’ll know about it and won’t hear about it secondhand.
It’s always sad to see someone build up a perfect image of their partner in their head and think they’re committed when they’re not really…
Kriss Anderson sings about this in her 1965 hit “He’s My Boyfriend.”
Her friends keep saying they’ve seen her boyfriend playing around with other girls, but she won’t believe them and is determined to uphold the image she has of him as her committed knight in shining armor.
“He wouldn’t do what you say
he’s not the kind to be that way
I don’t believe he could be
better than he is to me
I really love him that’s why
I’m gonna keep him my guy.”
12) He gets busy on social media about you
I agree with those who think you shouldn’t overestimate the importance of social media and viral posting.
But at the same time I do think that for those who care about Instagram, Facebook and all the rest, relationship statuses do matter.
When someone is proud of you and happy about your partnership, they won’t be afraid to show it online.
In fact, if he really thinks of himself as your boyfriend he’ll generally be fine with posting a pic or putting up a note about how happy you are together.
I personally do find couple posts kind of cringe, especially here in Brazil where I’m living at the moment, where people write five paragraph declarations of love under their couple posts on Instagram…
And then their partner responds under it with five more paragraphs that sound like they’re from the script of the fucking Bachelorette or something…
We get it, you’re really super in love and want to show it off to the rest of us plebs…
But a quick note or snap saying you’re together and happy is perfectly fine.
And if he thinks of himself as your boyfriend there’s a good chance that he’ll be cool with it.
13) He talks about you differently
One of the other clues about whether he’s really your boyfriend can be found in how he talks about you.
If he’s getting serious about you, he’ll tend to start referring to you and he as “us” and “we.”
At first it might just be between the two of you.
But before you know it, he’ll be out in public talking about you as “we” and “us.”
If you feel a golden glow when he says it then it’s definitely a good sign…
“A person who’s nestled up comfortably in that committed couple life will likely start referring to you as a “we,” even if you’re not totally official yet,” note Anjali Nowakowski and Corinne Sullivan.
14) Your levels of trust are high and substantiated
Among the most important signs that he’s really your boyfriend is that your levels of trust are high and there are reasons for it.
In other words, you don’t just trust him because he’s cute or love talking to him.
You have proof and history of his trustworthiness and no reason whatsoever to think he’s not someone you can depend on.
Trust is vital in a relationship, and if you both trust each other and know that you’re committed, then there’s no reason not to make it official:
He’s your boyfriend.
15) You can be yourself around him
One of the best ways to know if he’s your boyfriend is that you can be yourself around him.
You want to look your best, of course, but you don’t feel the need to keep up the perfect image or always be “on.”
Sometimes you’re having a bad hair day and that’s just the way it is…
Other times you look like crap but you just don’t have time to put on makeup before he comes over.
And that’s OK with him…
“And he isn’t even fazed by your just-woke-up-like this hair/breath/eye boogers. Aww.”
5 signs he isn’t your boyfriend
1) He doesn’t want to commit
If you’re going out with a guy and he doesn’t want to commit, it’s a difficult situation.
Regardless of his reasons for not wanting to get more serious, it’s hard if you do want to get serious.
The one thing we can say for sure is that even if you’ve been off and on for months and months, he’s definitely not your boyfriend.
Facing the ugly truth is better than a comfortable lie, so let’s just put it right out there.
This relates back to the unique concept I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct.
When a man feels respected, useful, and needed, he’s more likely to commit.
And the best part is, triggering his hero instinct can be as simple as knowing the right thing to say over a text.
You can learn exactly what to do by watching this simple and genuine video by James Bauer.
2) He’s all talk, no action
Like I said under the signs he is your boyfriend, his words do matter.
But his actions do, too.
And if there are too many words on one side and not enough actions then you have a real problem on your hands.
If he keeps saying how much he likes you, how much he wants to take things to the next level and how much he wants to make this real…
But then never follows through with actually taking time and energy to put into your time together then you are being sold a pack of lies.
“This guy pours it on thicker than syrup.
“When you try to take it from fantasy to reality, all his tenderness blends into a cocktail of excuses and vague promises.
“Those pretty words are dangerous because they can intoxicate even the most watchful among us.
“Don’t swallow them.”
3) He doesn’t introduce you to friends or family
Introducing someone to your friends and family is a big step, but if you’re dating someone seriously it’s reasonable to expect them to make the introductions.
One of the top signs he’s not your boyfriend is that he completely refuses to do this.
If you’re out and see a friend of his and he can’t avoid it, then he’ll refer to you as a friend, dodge talking about you or introduce you to his friend by name without any mention of what you are to him.
It’s a cheap trick that guys do when they’re not really your boyfriend.
4) He barely ever spends time with you
The time that a guy takes out of his schedule to spend with you matters a lot.
It’s fair enough if he can’t always spend time with you, but every girl appreciates if he can just do what it takes to show up at least some of the time.
If he rarely does this and doesn’t much seem to care, then he’s not your boyfriend.
It takes two to tango…
And if he’s not going to hold up his side of the dance then you’re best off just walking away.
5) He’s still playing the field
I don’t know what to tell you except that if your guy is still playing the field then he’s not your boyfriend.
Or if he is your boyfriend, he shouldn’t be for much longer.
The sad truth is that some men seem to be getting serious and really be your boyfriend, but they’re just using you as a place-holder until they find what they’re “really” looking for.
It’s called benching, and it’s one of the worst things a man can do to a woman.
“Don’t get me wrong – there are lots of terrific commitment-minded men out there. But at some point, you may run into a man who’ll date you even though he’s just not that into you.
“Yes, that’s right.
“He’ll date you while he’s looking for someone else – someone he wants to commit to. That’s just how some men operate.”
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.