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In love with an overthinker? You need to know these 18 things

overthinker in the outdoors
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Being in a relationship is hard work all the time. Anyone who has been in a relationship can tell you that if you are in love with an overthinker, the relationship can be that much harder.

It’s important that people understand their partner’s needs, wants, and desires so that they can support them in their relationship, and in life in general. When you love an overthinker, it can be hard on your head, but it’s also hard on theirs.

Trust me, this is coming from personal experience. I’m an overthinker and I believe that it takes a special kind of person to be with someone who overthinks life.

Here’s what you need to know if you are in love with an overthinker.

1) It’s Not Their Fault

First things first, you need to understand that overthinking things is not something that is going to go away. They are like this because that is who they are. They cannot “fix” it.

If you are going to love someone who is an overthinker, you need to get on board with their personality and accept that they will overanalyze everything in life.

2) You Need to Be Compassionate

It can be tiring and frustrating for overthinkers to live in this world. They spend so much time worrying about what might be that they don’t always get to enjoy the here and now.

If you are in love with an overthinker, you need to be able to give them their space in a way that isn’t threatening to the relationship. You have to let them come to their decisions on their own. It might take time, but they’ll get there.

3) It pays to know more about your situation

While this article explores the things you need to know if you’re in love with an overthinker, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations such as this one. They’re a very popular resource for people facing all sorts of love problems. 

How do I know?

Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I too was having a hard time with my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into my relationship – and most importantly, how to get it back on track.

I was blown away by how kind, compassionate, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

In just a few minutes you can talk to a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

Click here to get started.

4) You Need to be Good at Communicating

In order to avoid a series of fights in your relationship, you should be good at communicating your thoughts and feelings and be ready to explain your reasoning using clear language that indicates you take ownership for your actions.

Overthinkers will have a field day with cryptic messages or forgotten birthdays so don’t give them any ammunition to think on. Be clear about what you want and need so there is no second guessing on the over thinker’s part.

If you’re a woman who is in love with a man who’s an overthinker, then you have even more work cut out for you.

Male and female brains are biologically different. For instance, the limbic system is the emotional processing center of the brain and it’s much larger in the female brain than in a man’s.

That’s why women are more in touch with their emotions. And why guys can struggle to process and understand their feelings, especially guys who are overthinkers.

If you’ve ever been with an emotionally unavailable man before, blame his biology rather than him.

The thing is, to stimulate the emotional part of a man’s brain, you have to communicate with him in a way that he’ll actually understand.

You see, there are certain things you can say to him that will rocket your relationship to the next level.

5) You Need to Be Confident in the Relationship

Overthinking things can lead to problems in a relationship. For example, an overthinker might read too much into a phone call or text message. They might assume the worst is about to happen when you get angry or upset. They might need constant reassurance that you aren’t going anywhere.

This is tough sometimes, but if you know that this is just the way the overthinker in the relationship is, then you can be prepared to help.

Sometimes overthinkers put so much heart and soul into their relationships that it causes them to worry about the future. Give them some room to recognize that things are okay between the two of you. And always say what you mean.

6) Overthinking doesn’t make them crazy

Everyone thinks too much sometimes. But for those people who do it on an everyday basis, they’re not crazy. They just analyze and problem solve more than the average person.

They’re still compassionate, kind and fun.

Sometimes you just need to be patient when they’re feeling anxious and over stimulated. And the majority of the time, they’re simply overthinking because they’re trying to protect you and themselves.

7) They’re ultra genuine, and they want you to be too

An overthinker wants to believe that there’s good in everyone, which can get them into trouble at times. In a time of Tinder and Internet hooks ups, it’s almost ‘cool’ not to care. But they need you to be different.

They believe in authenticity and bringing out the best in others. But if you’re going to play games and not be there for them when they need it most, then you need to step away. More complications are what they don’t need in their life.

8) They still act on instincts

You may assume that overthinkers don’t act on their instincts and impulses. Rather, they overanalyze everything and only do things that are heavily thought out.

However, overthinkers act on instincts just as much as other people. Especially when it comes to your relationship.

There is one instinct in particular that you need to know about if you’re in love with an overthinker.

A new concept in psychology is generating a lot of buzz at the moment. It claims that men have a biological drive to feel needed, to feel important, and to provide for the woman he cares about.

Relationship psychologist James Bauer calls it the hero instinct. Watch his excellent free video here about it.

As James argues, male desires are not complicated, just misunderstood. Instincts are powerful drivers of human behavior and this is especially true for how men approach their relationships.

A man wants to see himself as a hero. As someone his partner genuinely wants and needs to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.

This applies just as much to an overthinker. Because you can’t override natural biological instincts with over thinking.

How do you trigger the hero instinct in your man?

In an authentic way, you simply have to show your man what you need and allow him to step up to fulfill it.

In his new video, James Bauer outlines several things you can. He reveals phrases, texts and little requests that you can use right now to make him feel more essential to you.

Here’s a link to his video again.

I don’t usually pay much attention to popular new concepts in psychology or recommend videos. But some ideas are game-changers. And when it comes to being in love with an overthinker, I think this is one of them.

9) They still believe in the one

Despite all the baggage that modern day dating brings, they still believe that you’re going to be the fairy tale partner that sweeps them off their feet.

But if you don’t have the same motivations in a relationships, you need to let them know. That will eliminate hours of overthinking different scenarios in their head. Something they don’t want to go through again.

10) Be very clear about what you intend to say

Leave no room for interpretation when it comes to your words, messages, emails, phone calls or interactions with someone who is an overthinker.

Part of the problem overthinkers have is that they read between all of the lines, even when you try to make it clear that there are no lines to read between.

You need to be able to go with it and keep clarifying your messages so that there is no room for error or confusion.

If you allow the messages you send to become blurred, which usually happens when people are lazy with their communication skills, then you’ll have trouble in your overthinking relationship.

11) Be okay with making a lot of decisions

Overthinkers are plagued by indecisiveness. This means that they will spend more time thinking about doing something than actually do it, if at all.

If you decide to get into a relationship with an overthinker, keep in mind that you’ll need to take the lead on a lot of decisions in the relationship.

This isn’t to say that your overthinking partner is incapable of providing valuable insight into the decision-making process, but they might never be able to get passed the assessment phase of a decision and so it’s better if you just get used to calling the shots for the both of you.

RELATED: What J.K Rowling can teach us about mental toughness

12) Don’t get excited about surprises

Remember that not everyone loves a surprise party. Even good surprises can throw an overthinker off their tracks, so save you both the trouble of going through an awkward surprise moment and don’t plan any.

Rather than show up with surprise plans, talk about what you want to do for special occasions and come to enough of a consensus that you can take the reigns and make the decision from there.

13) Get ready for random messages and bouts of insecurity

Despite your best efforts, when you date someone who is an overthinker, you are still going to get the odd (maybe frequent) message about being insecure or unsure of something.

People who suffer from overthinking can’t help it but read into everything, including the good and bad messages you send.

Since it is unlikely that text messaging or email is going out of style any time soon, think about setting some parameters around your conversations and modes of communication so that you don’t find yourselves in the middle of a miscommunication that could have been avoided by just picking up the phone to talk to one another.

If there is every anything of importance to talk about, make a deal that you’ll always have a telephone conversation so that your overthinking partner doesn’t have to worry so much about what is not being said.

14) Intervention is going to become your middle name

When you are with someone who is an overthinker, you are going to have to take the lead on a lot of things including getting right in the middle of an overthinking moment that is not serving anyone.

If you find your partner spiraling out of control sometimes, you’ll have to get right in the middle of those thoughts and change the conversation or make the decision for you both.

Should you need assistance with these ‘interventions,’ you can always seek the help of the folks over at Relationship Hero.

It’s the best site I’ve found for love coaches who have seen it all. As such, they know all about how to tackle situations like this. 

Personally, I tried them last year while I was going through my own crisis. They managed to give me real solutions – among many other things! 

Best of all, my coach took the time to really understand my unique situation. 

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

Click here to check them out.

15) Be ready to distract whenever necessary

Sometimes you’ll have to shift gears completely by leaving the room, going for a walk, dancing, laughing, changing the subject – or one of a million others ways you can distract someone who is worrying about something.

It’s not always going to work, but if you want to be in a relationship with an overthinker, you are going to have to get good at trying to distract them from their thoughts.

[Resilience and mental toughness are key attributes to living your best life. They determine how high we rise above what threatens to wear us down, from battling an illness, to dealing with challenging emotions, to carrying on after a relationship has ended. To learn how to build your own mental toughness, check out Hack Spirit’s ebook: The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness]

16) Get ready for new experiences

One of the great things about dating an overthinker is that they can plan like it’s nobody’s business. They are great at planning trips, experiences, adventures and more because they can think through all of the details.

The trouble, though, is that it might be hard for them to commit to just one thing, so you should also be prepared to do a lot of things in one trip.

17) Prep yourself for some epic conversations

Another great thing about dating an overthinker is that they let their brain run wild and that means that you can basically talk about anything and everything with them.

If you keep the conversation focused, you shouldn’t add to their overthinking so let yourself enjoy their magical brain for what it is, and you’ll never be bored in your relationship.

18) Learn to live in the moment

If there is one thing overthinkers can do well, it’s live in the moment.

Sometimes, that moment is filled with anxiety about the future, but they are great at seeing the million ways a situation could play out, and if you play your cards right, you’ll be able to see the big picture and enjoy what is going on right now.

In Conclusion: What next?

Intimate relationships are always hard work, but it takes a special kind of person to be with an overthinker.

But if you can understand your partner’s wants, needs and desires in life so you can support them, you’ll create a strong relationship that will be one of the greatest experiences of your life.

Let’s face it: all relationships can be improved when you develop a deeper understanding of what the other person wants from it.

However, men (especially those who think too much) see the world differently to you and we want different things from a relationship.

This can make a passionate and loving relationship — something that men actually want deep down as well — really difficult to achieve.

I know that getting an overthinker to open up to you can feel like an impossible task. But I’ve recently come across a new way to help you understand what’s driving him in your relationship…

James Bauer is one of the world’s leading relationship experts.

And in his new video, he reveals a new concept which brilliantly explains what really drives men romantically. He calls it the hero instinct. I talked about this concept above.

Simply put, men want to be your hero. Not necessarily an action hero like Thor, but he does want to step up to the plate for the woman in his life and be appreciated for his efforts.

The hero instinct is probably the best-kept secret in relationship psychology. And I think it holds the key to a man’s love and devotion for life.

You can watch the video here.

Putting yourself first

Hey, Lachlan from Hack Spirit here.

What’s your number one goal at the moment?

Is it to buy that car you’ve been saving up for?

To finally start that side-hustle that’ll hopefully help you quit your 9-5 one day?

Or to take the leap and finally ask your partner to move in?

Whatever it is, you’re not going to get there, unless you’ve got a plan.

And even then…plans fail.

But I didn’t write this to you to be the voice of doom and gloom…

No, I’m writing this because I want to help you achieve the goals you’ve set.

I’ve recently been taking part in a workshop called Life Journal created by teacher and career coach Jeanette Brown.

Covering all the basics and more on what’s needed to reach your goals, Jeannette tackles everything from creating habits and new behavior patterns to putting your plans into action.

She doesn’t mess around – this workshop will require effort on your part but that’s the beauty of it – Jeanette has carefully designed it to put YOU in the driving seat of your life.

Click here to find out more about Life Journal.

So…think back to that important goal I asked about at the start of this message.

How much do you want it?

Are you willing to put the effort in to get there?

If so, check out the workshop here.

If you do take part, I’d love to hear how your Life Journey goes!

All the best,


Disclosure: This post is brought to you by the Hack Spirit review team. In our reviews, Hack Spirit highlights products and services that you might find interesting. If you buy them, we receive a small commission from that sale. However, we only ever recommend products that we have personally investigated and truly feel could be valuable to you. Read our affiliate disclosure here. We welcome your feedback at [email protected].

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Written by Lachlan Brown

I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder, and editor of Hack Spirit. I love writing practical articles that help others live a mindful and better life. I have a graduate degree in Psychology and I’ve spent the last 15 years reading and studying all I can about human psychology and practical ways to hack our mindsets. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Twitter.

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