If you’re doing these 11 things, you’re making single life harder than it needs to be

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Being single doesn’t have to be so hard.

Yes, society looks down on single people and it sucks, but I mean…we can’t just let the world win, can we? We have to learn to advocate for ourselves.

Show them—but more important, show YOURSELF—that being single isn’t a flaw…that it can actually be fun and fulfilling.

What to do?

First, cut out bad habits.

If you’re doing any of these things because you’re single, you have to stop right now. You’re making single life harder than it needs to be.

1) Wallowing in self-pity

It’s not easy being single. It can be hard for one’s self-esteem especially if you don’t really have a robust one to begin with.

That’s why, you must never wallow in self-pity—ever. You’ll just be making yourself miserable when there’s really no reason to be.

You’ll be hurting yourself every time you make or entertain these “Poor me” thoughts. 

“Poor me, I’ll never have someone to grow old with.” or “Poor me, I’m so ugly.”

STOP! Why would you do that to yourself? 

What you should do is become your own cheerleader instead.

Whenever you start hearing these “poor me” thoughts, let your cheerleader defend you. Let your cheerleader think of the many good things you’re good at. Let your cheerleader say “Huh? Are you sure?” for every negative thought.

You should remind yourself over and over again that there’s really nothing to pity yourself about. NOTHING.

2) Admiring those who are in a relationship

“Oh geez. Mandy is so pretty. No wonder guys kiss the ground they walk on.”

“Man, if only I had a car like Aaron, then I could get any girl I want.”

ENOUGH!

Yes, some people are blessed with traits that make others gravitate towards them but there are just so many factors why someone is single or in a relationship…and it’s probably nothing to do with how they look or the things they can buy.

In fact, they could just be lucky.

Stop putting them on the pedestal because the only person who should be there is you.

Besides, let’s be really honest here—not all people in relationships are happy or awesome or admirable. Don’t forget that.

So why admire them just for their relationship status?

3) Constantly looking for validation 

Look, it’s totally normal to need validation. All of us need it to varying degrees…even the ones who are in a relationship.

It’s just human nature.

But if you want it just to feel less miserable and less ugly because you’re single, then you’re taking bad medicine. It’s not the right way to heal.

You’d always find yourself wanting for more—you’ll always have a never-ending thirst —because you can’t accept that being single is okay and that you’re okay.

You’d flirt with someone just to know you’re still hot. You’d post cute selfies on your socials just so you get many hearts.

But in the end, it will all just make you feel… lonelier. 

Might as well focus on validating yourself. Look at the mirror each day and tell yourself you’re the sexiest person in the world.

And work on detaching your self-worth to your relationship status. 

I know it’s not easy, but it has to be done.

4) Hanging out with people who put too much value on relationships

While it’s good to talk about crushes and flings and dates and marriages…there’s more to life than relationships!

If your circle of friends talk about relationships 80% of the time, then it’s time you step back… especially if you’re struggling to embrace your singleness.

You don’t want them to keep asking you of your latest romantic endeavors especially if you have nothing much to share.

This can naturally make you feel left out and pressured to keep up.

So start building other circles. Have hobby friends, career friends, and even I-love-being-single friends.

You don’t need that added pressure in your life.

5) Getting defensive when people ask about your relationship status

I know it sounds like they’re attacking you, but most of the time, people are just, well, curious!

Unless they’re the villain of your life, they’re not asking you about it because they want to expose just how miserable you are, they just want to have a conversation.

So instead of replying “Well, it’s none of your business!” or “How dare you!” or “Okay Janet, you win. I’m alone and you’re married. I get it”, be a little more graceful.

Just say “I’m single right now” and then, if you really don’t want to elaborate, you don’t have to. Just smile and change the topic.

6) Trying to compensate for being single

Sometimes, when we don’t feel successful in one area of our life, we try to compensate for it in other areas.

You may find yourself saying “Just you wait. I may be single but I’ll be a millionaire someday and you’ll all regret looking down on me.”

While it might seem inspiring, you’re making your life harder. That’s just added pressure that you don’t really need.

Sure, go ahead and do your best in your career or your passions…but only if you really want to.

Don’t do it just because you want to prove to others that you’re a “winner” in other aspects because you’re a “loser” in your love life.

You are already worthy. You are already valuable. Stop looking down on yourself!

7) Worrying that you’ll be single forever

Worrying, in general, does nothing. 

But as a worrywart, I get you. I sometimes WANT to worry so I can have some form of control over a situation—that by actively overthinking about it, I’m actually doing something.

And sometimes, especially if you’ve been single for too long, these thoughts just can’t be avoided. They enter your mind without any warning.

But I’ll just share with you my experience.

When I was 17, I worried that I’d never get my first kiss…but I was proven wrong a year later. I got plenty of kisses after that.

At 19, I worried I’ll never have a relationship ever…again, I was proven wrong.

At 30, I worried that I’ll never find true love…well, it found me.

While worry is normal, how I wish I just used those precious hours to relax and be happy being single instead. 

8) Setting a deadline to find a partner, get married, have kids

While deadlines are useful when it comes to work and things that are completely within your control, it isn’t when it comes to love.

Sure, it’s great to dream and have a clear vision, but to plan? It might just bring more suffering.

How do you plan something that’s mainly based on luck and good timing? 

You could have dated 98 men in 9 months and still you won’t find someone worth having a relationship with. While some people have one date and BAM, it’s their soulmate.

It’s good to be proactive, but setting a deadline will just stress you out unnecessarily. 

Imagine going on a date thinking “This has got to work or else I dunno what to do with my life.”

Date, but don’t be too rigid. Try to find love if you want to…but don’t turn love into a grand goal. Life is already hard as it is.

Everything seems impossible until it’s already happening. Trust that it will come at the right time. Life will surprise you.

9) Assessing why you’re undate-able

While once in a while it’s good to assess our lives and ourselves, it’s not really helpful if you try to figure out why you’re someone people don’t like to date.

Why?

You’d simply be enumerating the things you don’t like about yourself!

Why do that? You’ll just be hurting yourself.

And you know what’s worse, you’d be adding more and more reasons why you think you suck with every assessment you make.

Look, you’re fine. Really. You don’t have to look for many reasons why you aren’t.

10) Looking back with regret

When I was single for a while and I started to feel really lonely, I looked back on my exes (and even my ex crushes!).

I wondered if it was a bad idea that I broke up with them. 

“Maybe if I just stayed longer, I could have fixed our relationship” or “Maybe if I just told them I like them then maybe I’ll be happily married now.”

This makes single life harder than it needs to be because you’re invalidating your life decisions instead of embracing your choices.

Look forward, instead of backward. 

Things happened (or didn’t happen) and you should remind yourself that everything is how it’s supposed to be.

One day, you’ll look at the times you fancied going back to an ex and think “Sheesh. Did I really think that?! How pathetic!”

11) Looking down on other single people

Do you unconsciously tie a person’s value to their relationship status?

When you think of other single people, do you somehow pity them? Do you think there’s something missing in their life and that deep-down they’re unhappy even if they seem content?

Then you’re making yourself and other single people miserable. You’re part of the problem!

Here’s a fact: Many people in marriages are more miserable than single people. 

And here’s another fact: Many single people are actually awesome. Just check out these celebrities who are happy being single

You’re in good company…but only if you stop seeing being single as a flaw.

Final thoughts

Look, it’s fine to be honest with yourself. Some people truly love being single (god bless them), but you don’t have to LOVE or embrace being single if the truth is you really want to be in a relationship.

But you shouldn’t make your life harder.

You’re awesome as you are so don’t let your relationship status make you feel awful. 

You’re complete. You’re thriving. And you’re one tough cookie who doesn’t want to succumb to societal pressures.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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