Roselle Umlas
As someone who’s been married for a long time, I’ve been through a lot of relationship highs and lows.
And let me tell you – it’s not the rough patches that made me concerned about my relationship.
It’s the plateaus. Those periods when it felt so boring and utterly devoid of any spark.
You see, boredom is tricky. It’s kind of a slippery slope. It sneaks up on you and before you know it, you’re stuck in this dull cycle where the days just blend together.
But the good news is – realizing you’re in this boring phase is your cue to shake things up. It’s absolutely a reversible state.
You can start by steering clear of these eight habits that could be making your relationship boring:
1) Over-reliance on routine
During the honeymoon stage, things are sparkly, right? We spend a lot of time together, getting to know each other and finding ways to perk up each other’s day.
But as the relationship goes on and the years pass by, we settle down and get into a more comfortable groove.
Unfortunately, for some couples, that groove can get too comfy, to the point that everything becomes routine.
Before you know it, it’s just an endless cycle of wake up-coffee-go to work-watch TV-sleep. And repeat it all over day after day.
My husband and I had our own version of this, and while it gave us a lot of stability especially when our kids came along, it did take the spark out of our relationship.
It got to a point where I just knew that I would never get any surprises from him, and to be honest, I didn’t have much initiative to give him any either.
So, how did we break free from this? Well, we started small. We did need our routine because we’re both workaholics.
So just a few tweaks were enough for us – trying a new recipe together, playing badminton on a weeknight, or sometimes I’d drop by his office and bring him lunch.
And the beauty of it is, adding a few new elements to our routine led us to stop…
2) Limiting conversation to the mundane
Let’s face it – you stay in a relationship long enough, and you run out of things to talk about!
And what so often happens is that conversation becomes functional. Who’s picking up the kids today? What time are you getting home? Your mom called, she wants to visit the kids this weekend…
You know, boring stuff. Your conversations become a verbal to-do checklist. It’s like you’re just talking to keep things running, not to really connect.
It’s a far cry from those late-night chats you used to have where you talked about anything and everything.
But like I said, it’s reversible. All it takes is initiative and effort.
What’s stopping you from asking those deep and interesting questions again? Because you already know the answers?
Well, guess what – chances are, those answers have changed! We’re constantly evolving and growing and changing our minds, so there’s really always something new to explore about each other.
3) Not setting date nights
Speaking of backtracking to the days of yore, why have you stopped dating each other?
This was one of our mistakes, and it was one of the major reasons why our relationship got boring.
Setting date nights again can be just what you need to get out of the rut you’re in.
According to a report by the Wheatley Institute and National Marriage Project, “Dating enhances happiness, sexual satisfaction and relationship stability.”
For us, going out on dates again helped us see each other through fresh eyes. We weren’t Mom and Dad – we were two interesting individuals out on a romantic lark, and who knew where the night would lead?
Well, it did lead to some interesting new developments, not just in the bedroom, but also in terms of emotional intimacy. Which was why we stopped…
4) Taking each other for granted
Look, I get it – we don’t set out to take our partners for granted. It just…happens.
You become comfortable with each other, fall into that dratted routine, and before you know it, you’re forgetting the little gestures that make the other feel appreciated.
My husband has been guilty of that, but so have I. We became too used to each other’s presence and stopped noticing what made us special.
Fortunately, there’s an easy fix for this. Just open your eyes once again! Be more mindful of the things your partner does for you, and make an effort like you used to do.
The goal is to remind yourself, and each other, why you fell in love in the first place.
Believe me, it isn’t fantastic displays of love that wins the long game. It’s the small acts of kindness and appreciation we do for each other.
Why? Because you can do those every single day and feel emotionally intimate everyday, as opposed to big gestures that are few and far between.
5) Letting sex get stale
While we’re on the topic of intimacy, how are things in the bedroom? If it’s gotten a little humdrum, then yeah, no wonder you feel bored.
The problem is, physical intimacy is a difficult topic to broach. That’s why a lot of couples just let it slide, letting their once-exciting sex life become routine as well.
It’s not that you’ve lost the desire for each other. It’s just that talking about it feels awkward, or maybe you’re not sure how to bring back the spark.
But here’s the thing – your physical connection is a big part of your relationship, and letting it fizzle out can make everything else feel more mundane too.
So, what can you do?
Well, there’s no getting around it – communicate. It might be uncomfortable at first, but I think it’s a risk worth taking.
It can lead to a whole new dynamic of experimentation and excitement. And best of all – reconnection.
6) Not having common interests
It’s hard to stay connected and excited when you barely have anything in common, isn’t it?
Psychology educator Kendra Cherry of Very Well Mind cites basic incompatibility as a reason for why a relationship may grow weary.
She further says, “If you don’t share the same goals and interests, it can be challenging to find common ground to keep you connected to one another.”
How to get back to a place where you have something in common, then?
Well, figuring out and trying new things you can enjoy together is an adventure in itself that you can both enjoy. It could reignite your relationship with the spark it needs.
7) Not having individual hobbies or interests
At the same time, not having your own thing can make a relationship boring as well.
Think about it – if you did every single thing together, where’s the mystery? When you’re constantly in each other’s space, doing the exact same activities, you can easily lose your individuality.
Too much togetherness can be incredibly boring. Part of what makes a relationship exciting is being able to share different experiences and perspectives.
For instance, my husband and I have very different hobbies – he’s into sports and I’m into artsy stuff. So, we both have our own thing, and it gives us something different to bring back to the conversation.
Plus, having your own time, space, and independence is healthy. It keeps you from feeling like you’re just one half of a whole and reminds you that you’re your own person with your own passions.
And believe me, that’s always sexy!
8) Too much screen time
Finally, we get to a very common reason why couples lose touch with each other, drift apart, and end up with a boring relationship – an unhealthy attachment to screens.
No judgment here – we’ve been guilty of this, too. For a while, our phones became a real wedge in our marriage; instead of chatting after dinner, we’d sit on either end of the couch and scroll on our phones.
Until I realized how disconnected we had become. We were no longer doing stuff together.
To break free from this, we had to make a conscious decision. We set a “no phones” rule during meals and after dinner. Instead, we engaged with each other, went on evening walks, played board games…
As low-key as that sounds, it was definitely more interesting than anything our phones could offer us!
Final thoughts
Boredom in a relationship doesn’t have to mean you’re no longer right for each other. It’s actually very normal, and practically every couple in a long-term relationship goes through it.
Even the strongest relationships aren’t perfect. A healthy and exciting relationship takes work, and if you’re both willing to make an effort, you’ll be fine.
