If your partner does these 9 things, they don’t have your best interests at heart

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It’s unfortunate, but sometimes the people we love the most don’t actually have our best interests at heart.

They might seem sweet, kind, and loving…but they’ll drop the act once we stop being useful to them.

That’s why it’s a good idea to take a closer look at the people around you, and why not start with the one who’s closest to you—your partner.

If your partner does these things, they probably don’t have your best interests at heart.

1) They put their wants over your needs

They’ve been dying to go to Japan for a while now, so they’ve been pestering you to go on a month-long holiday.

They don’t care that you have deadlines to beat or that you only have $300 in the bank—instead of trying to compromise, they’ll try to guilt you and pressure you into giving in.

It doesn’t matter to them that you might lose your job or end up in huge debt, because all they care about is that they’re happy.

They wouldn’t even dare consider something like this if they truly had your best interests at heart.

They’ll put your welfare and wellbeing on the same level as theirs, and so they would never consider their wants to be more important than your needs.

2) They discourage you from aiming high and pursuing your goals

They will act incredibly pessimistic and try to discourage you when you bring up your goals.

If you told them that you want to be a chef, they’ll say things like “Are you sure you can earn enough with that?” and “I don’t think you’re being wise here, seriously.”

It doesn’t matter to them if being a chef has been your life-long dream. They’ll find ways to discourage you while pretending they’re simply “concerned” for you.

They don’t even have to always try to shut you down—they can also discourage you by simply not showing you any support.

They might keep a cold face and change the topic when you tell them about people appreciating your work, for example.

Ask yourself this—how can your goals affect them? Do they “joke” about how you’d have no time for them once you become successful? Or that you’ll find another partner if you’re making a lot more money?

All these things hint at the possibility that they might be incredibly insecure and are suppressing you to spare their own feelings.

3) They want you to play a certain role in their life

And that role is that of the supporting actor— there to always lift them up or praise them but to never stand out and steal the show.

If this isn’t the first time that has happened to you, then maybe it’s time to step back and assess how you view love and intimacy.

They want you as long as you’re USEFUL to them. Period.

Love shouldn’t feel like you’re performing roles for each other—that’s a sign of a codependent relationship.

I learned this from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. You see, many of us are desperate to show our worth to our partners in order to be loved and accepted.

But in the end, all that does is get us stuck in a toxic and incorrect belief of what a relationship should be like—transactional and conditional.

I strongly suggest that you try and listen to Rudá Iandê, and you might just see an entirely new perspective on what a healthy relationship should be like.

It has helped me, and I know it will help you, too.

Click here to watch the free video.

4) They always ask “What’s in it for me?”

It’s always nice to be assertive and to fight for fairness…but this is not what your partner is all about.

They simply have no interest in anything that does not benefit them in any way, even if it would make you happy or make your life a bit easier.

If your family gives you $5,000 in cash as a gift, their reaction would always lead to “what about me?” and guilt you into giving them a share of your gift.

And if you have a conference in Madrid, they’ll groan and go “What about me?” and try to convince you to either stay behind or take them with you.

If they really have your best interest at heart, they’d be happy for you even if they won’t experience these things with you!

5) They minimize your feelings

You know that someone doesn’t have your best interests at heart if they don’t listen to you—but especially if they disregard how you feel.

If you tell them that you’re not ready to meet their friends, they’ll roll their eyes, ignore any reasons you might have, and then force you to meet them anyway.

On the other hand, if you tell them you’re upset because they didn’t come to you when you needed them, they’ll shrug you off and then tell you to “get over it” because it’s not that big a deal anyways.

Someone who has your best interests at heart won’t act like this.

Instead, they’ll respect your mental and emotional well-being.

6) They don’t ask “How can I be better for you?”

Someone who has your best interests at heart would always want to know how they can be good for you.

They would try their best to see you happy.

That is to say, what they’re genuinely concerned about is YOU.

Someone who doesn’t ask at all—or worse, those who take offense when you tell them how they can treat you better—doesn’t have your best interest at heart.

They’re the “take it or leave it” kind of people who’d rather be single than think of another person.

So if someone doesn’t ask how they can improve, chances are that they don’t really care about your happiness.

7) They don’t care if you have bad habits

That is to say, they don’t care if you smoke a pack a day, do drugs, sleep late, or eat junk food. They’ll just shrug and carry on even if you’re doing things that can easily bring your life to ruin.

They probably just say things like “If you really want to change, you will” and “You’re old enough to know what’s right” in order to justify their lack of involvement.

But someone who truly cares for you would encourage you to become the best version of yourself, and could not stand seeing you destroy your life before their very eyes.

So someone who has your best interests will not care if your relationship gets tense or hostile—they will try their best to make sure that, at the very least, you’re not ruining your life.

You can be sure that someone who’s so chill while you destroy yourself doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

8)They carelessly slander your friends and family

There are times when one’s friends and family do deserve to be called out. Not all families are loving, and sometimes friendships can be toxic.

But even with that in mind, someone who truly has your best interests at heart would not slander your friends and family without care.

If you hate your mother for being annoying, someone who cares for you will try to calm you down and try to help you give your mother a chance. Someone who doesn’t will encourage you to cut her off instead.

If they truly care about you, they’d want you to have a good relationship with the people you love…even if it means they’ll have to shut up sometimes. They don’t want their opinions to influence you on how you view others.

9) They want you to cling to them

It might seem romantic to always want one’s partner to be with them all the time… to be the ONLY person their partner ever needs.

But this is precisely what someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart wants.

It’s why they try to isolate you and try to convince you to give up your ambitions.

It’s power. They want to be the one and only person that you can ever cling to, which unfortunately also means that after a certain point, escaping them is almost impossible.

Someone who truly has your best interests at heart won’t isolate you, and they’d discourage codependent behaviors too.

If anything, they’d be more than happy to see you thriving all on your own.

Last words

It’s not always easy to realize that you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have your best interests in mind.

They don’t exactly tip their hand all at once, after all.

Most of them work hard to earn your heart genuinely before they start letting their true colors show. And in doing so, they twist your idea of what is “normal” and what isn’t.

Take everything in this article as a good starting point, but keep in mind that the best tool you have for determining whether you’re in a healthy relationship or not is your mind and intuition.

So think deeply and listen to your gut feelings…you will know.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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