If you recognize these 12 feelings, you’re secretly lonely

You have a wonderful life—you have awesome friends, a fulfilling job, and a loving partner. 

But then why is it that you still get a little blue sometimes?

Is it possible that, deep down, you’re actually lonely even if you have no obvious reason to be?

To find out, see if you can relate to these feelings.

1) You feel like no one truly “gets” you

It’s great to have friends…and you have plenty.

But it seems like they just don’t truly, 100-percently get you.

When you share your ideas, opinions, and feelings, are they actually interested or do you feel like they’re just being nice? Do you feel like you have the same wavelength or do you feel like you’re just forcing it?

Even if you’re surrounded by people you love, it can get lonely if you don’t have a person or two who truly gets you on an intellectual and emotional level.

2) You get annoyed when you see happy people

Do you roll your eyes when a group of friends get a little rowdy? 

When you see happy families, do you comfort yourself with thoughts like “I’m sure they’re not really that happy.” 

And when friends share their good news—they’re dating, getting married, or having a child—do you feel a lump in your throat?

It’s probably because, deep down, you’re lonely

Someone who’s not lonely would never feel this way towards happy people. In fact, other people’s happiness makes them happy, too.

3) You feel bitter when you see couples in love

When you see young couples kissing and being playful, does it make you think “Yeah…they’ll break up eventually”?

When you see old couples acting cute, do you think “Ah sure, because they have no one else.”

If you can’t stand happy couples, you’re probably lonely in the love department.

Even if you’re currently in a relationship, try to assess why you feel this way. Chances are, it’s probably because you feel secretly lonely.

4) You feel relieved when others tell you they’re lonely

When someone tells you they’re miserable and lonely, does it make you feel a bit relieved—happy, even? Do you get the feeling “Oh thank god, I’m not alone!”?

Well, you’re probably lonely yourself. As they say, misery loves company. 

Someone who’s not lonely would never feel relieved knowing that a friend or relative is not doing well. 

If you feel this way, you’ve probably felt lonely for a long time without realizing it…and so when people you know confess to you that they’re lonely, you’d want to hug them tight and say “me, too”.

5) You feel like an outcast

Do you feel like an outsider? Like, no matter how hard you try, you can never ever fit in?

Maybe you think differently or dress up and act in “weird” ways while others are too normal for you?

Feeling we’re different from the rest might have its benefits—it makes us feel we’re unique and authentic, for sure—but it can also make us incredibly lonely.

Don’t worry. You just have to find like-minded people who understands you, and the world will be a much better place.

6) You have the urge to talk but you don’t trust others

So let’s say you have an interesting idea you’re dying to share. 

You have the intense urge to talk endlessly about it…and yet, you don’t have anyone you trust enough to share it with.

You realize you’d rather keep things to yourself because you’re worried they will just judge you.

Or that it’s pointless because they can never truly relate and they’ll just talk about you behind their backs.

It can make one incredibly lonely if they have so much to share but no one to share it to.

7) You pity yourself when you’re alone 

Being alone is different from being lonely. 

Many people are totally fine being alone—whether it’s eating in a restaurant or being alone in life (as in, being single).

But those who already feel lonely feel a lot lonelier when they’re alone—especially when they’re not “supposed” to be. 

Do you pity yourself when you’re all alone on Valentine’s Day and Christmas? Do you pity yourself when you’re all alone in the cinema?

While it’s normal to wish we have company, it becomes concerning if you wallow in self-pity for so long just because you’re alone. It could be a sign that you are indeed lonely.

8) You feel so bored with everything

Do you feel uninspired? Does it feel like you’re in the Groundhog Day movie and you keep doing the same thing every single day?

It’s normal to feel bored with life, especially if you’re the restless type.

However, if you get bored with even the things that used to bring you joy, you have to step back and ask yourself why you’re feeling this way.

Maybe you want to do exciting things with new people. Maybe you just need to be in the company of your old friends again.

But don’t ignore this and hope it will just pass. It’s a telltale sign that you’re secretly lonely.

9) You feel like crying when a friend asks “How are you?”

Let me get a little personal here.

A couple of years ago, I felt incredibly lonely…but at that time, I wasn’t even aware of it. No one was aware of it. I was laughing and dancing and doing fun things with friends.

So how did I know I was secretly lonely?

It’s when a friend asked me a simple but genuine “How are you?”, and I bawled. I kept crying and crying.

It’s probably because of how he looked me straight in the eye as if telling me “I can see you’re not okay, tell me about it.”

If you feel a lump in your throat when someone asks you if you’re alright, then you probably aren’t.

10) You have a strong urge to flee

Do you feel like running away? 

Do you often find yourself fantasizing about getting rid of everything and having a fresh start somewhere?

Well, you’re probably not so happy with your life right now.

It could be depression, it could be a midlife crisis, it could be loneliness, or all of the above.

Someone who’s not lonely would not have the strong urge to flee. Sure, they’d want to go on adventures, but to flee? Doesn’t happen often.

11) You can relate to sad songs and sad movies

So another personal story here. 

For a decade, I was stuck in a dead-end relationship that I was practically numb—I was merely existing, not living. 

I was fine on the outside, sure, but when I watched sad movies and listened to sad songs, I couldn’t stop crying.

It’s like my body permitted me to cry over something sad (but not personal) because it didn’t want to acknowledge that I was sad for more legit reasons.

Now that I’m out of that relationship, I don’t feel lonely anymore. And while sad songs and sad music still move me from time to time, I don’t cry buckets anymore.

12) You feel like you have so much love to give (but no one to give it to)

Do you feel like you have so much to offer others and yet you have no one around? Or maybe that there are people around but they’re not the kind of people you truly want to be with?

Well, you’re probably lonely deep inside.

It’s sad to have a big mansion but then no one visits you. It’s sad to have so much love to give and you’re all alone.

So, yes, even if you check most of the boxes of success, if you feel like you have no one to share it with, you’re probably lonely. In fact, having it all might even amplify loneliness.

Final thoughts

Can you relate to most of the things I listed here?

Then you might actually be lonely.

The first step is simply to acknowledge this possibility. Go ahead, say it to yourself—tell yourself that you might, in fact, be lonely. Say it again and again.

There’s no shame in loneliness. It’s a totally normal feeling and it doesn’t mean you’re living a miserable life. 

It does, however, mean that you should make some changes in your life, both internal and external. 

Welcome your loneliness. Allow it to guide you to the kind of life that you truly want.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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