Lucas Graham
Being shown affection as a child can greatly shape our behaviors as we transition into adulthood.
If you grew up receiving little affection, it may have shaped the way you navigate relationships and emotions as an adult—and, let me tell you, you’re not alone.
These early experiences often leave subtle marks on your behavior, influencing how you connect with others and even how you see yourself.
In this article, we’ll delve into the seven habits you probably adopted as an adult if you received very little affection during childhood.
It’s time to understand more about our adult selves through the lens of our past:
1) You may be overly independent
Independence is often seen as a strong attribute and is highly valued in the eyes of society..
However, for individuals who received very little affection in their childhood, this independence can sometimes border on an extreme.
These individuals learned early on to rely heavily on themselves, as affection and support from others was inconsistent or lacking, leading to a deep-seated belief that they can’t rely on anyone but themselves.
As an adult, this can manifest as an overwhelming desire to do everything alone and a reluctance to ask for help even when it’s needed.
It’s not about being capable or strong, it’s more about protecting oneself from the potential disappointment of not receiving support.
2) Struggling with intimacy
I’ve seen it in my own life—the struggle to form deep, intimate connections with others.
It wasn’t until I delved into my past that I realized this was a pattern rooted in my childhood, a time when affection was scarce.
As a child, I didn’t experience the consistent warmth and closeness that fosters a sense of security in relationships and, fast forward to adulthood, this lack of early affection turned into a fear of intimacy.
I found myself keeping people at arm’s length, afraid to let them get too close because I was unconsciously fearful of the vulnerability that comes with intimacy—a fear that stemmed from those early years when affection was inconsistent or absent.
This is a common habit for those of us who didn’t receive much affection growing up; we might find it tough to open up and let others in, often leading to shallow relationships or a pattern of pushing people away.
3) High levels of self-criticism
When affection is scarce during childhood, it’s not uncommon for individuals to turn their need for approval inwards, leading to high levels of self-criticism.
Being self-critical can be driven by an underlying belief that they must be “perfect” to be worthy of love or attention—as adults, this can manifest as a persistent internal voice that is harsh and judgmental.
In psychology, this is often linked to an aspect called the “inner critic”, a concept widely explored in psychotherapy and cognitive behavioral therapy.
The inner critic stifles authentic thoughts and feelings by labeling them as “wrong,” blocking genuine self-expression; its persistent disapproval undermines the ability to challenge harsh judgments, hindering personal growth and adaptability.
The less affection participants reported receiving as children, the more self-critical they tended to be as adults.
4) Difficulty expressing emotions
Growing up without much affection can sometimes lead to a difficulty in expressing emotions in adulthood, stemming from the lack of emotional communication during those formative years.
In households where affection is scarce, children often learn to suppress their feelings as a coping mechanism, leading to an emotional constipation in adult life, where expressing feelings, especially the vulnerable ones, can feel uncomfortable or downright scary.
As adults, we might find ourselves unable to identify and articulate our feelings, or go to great lengths to avoid situations that might stir up strong emotions within us.
5) Seeking validation from others
For a long time, I found myself seeking validation from others: No accomplishment felt complete, unless someone else acknowledged it, and I needed that external validation to feel worthy, to feel good about myself.
Yearning for approval was deeply rooted in my childhood where affection was in short supply and, as a child, I yearned for affirmation and recognition—this pattern followed me into adulthood.
This habit can be quite exhausting, like being on a roller coaster of self-esteem where your sense of self-worth fluctuates based on how others perceive you.
6) Avoiding conflict
Growing up without much affection, conflict can feel incredibly threatening.
Disagreements may have resulted in even less affection or worse, outright neglect or abandonment during your childhood years.
As adults, this can manifest as a tendency to avoid conflict at all costs.
You might find yourself agreeing to things you don’t really want, staying silent when you want to speak up, or even distancing yourself from people at the first sign of disagreement.
Conflict is a natural part of human interaction—it’s crucial for growth and change.
7) Overcompensating in relationships
If you grew up with little affection, you might find yourself overcompensating in your adult relationships—over-giving, constantly trying to please others, or always being the one to initiate contact or make plans.
This stems from a deep-seated fear of not being loved or wanted, a fear that’s rooted in those early years of scant affection.
As a person deprived of affection in the early stages of your life, you might believe that you have to earn love through your actions, a belief that can lead to unbalanced relationships and emotional exhaustion.
Understanding this habit is key, as it can help you establish healthier relationship dynamics where love and affection are given freely, not earned or chased after.
Final thoughts: It’s about understanding, not blaming
The journey of self-discovery is often a mix of enlightening and uncomfortable revelations.
Identifying these seven habits tied to a childhood lacking affection is about recognizing patterns that might hinder your ability to connect, express emotions, or nurture self-love.
Your past shapes you, but it doesn’t define you—what once served as survival strategies can now be transformed into steps toward a more fulfilling life.
A quote by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who founded analytical psychology, says it best: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
Through understanding these habits, you are taking the first step towards choosing who you want to become.
It’s an undertaking of courage and compassion towards oneself—a journey towards healing, growth, and ultimately, self-acceptance.
