If you feel any of these 13 things, you’re probably not in love

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So you’re seeing someone or you’re already in a committed relationship.

You must be happy, right? But you’re not—not really.

Because of this, you start to worry that you’re not really in love with them in the first place!

While there’s a chance that your discontent is just a phase—it might even have nothing to do with them at all— it’s better to know for sure.

If you feel any of these 13 things, you’re probably not in love.

1) You feel “meh” when you see them

When you’re in love with someone, it’s like being served your favorite meal, on a hot plate complete with dessert and a glass of wine.

In other words, you get excited and giddy when you see them. Especially if you’ve been apart for some time!

Sure, you might fight often, you might even hate each other sometimes…but you both crave for each other’s company at the end of the day.

The fact that you do NOT get excited at all when you see them means you’re probably not in love with them—either you never did or the love just faded over time.

2) You feel trapped

It’s like your hands are cuffed with invisible chains— and that there’s nothing you can do to get away from them.

It’s not that you haven’t tried finding ways to get rid of this feeling. You tried your best to be okay!

You often hang out with your friends so you can be away from them…but when you’re together again, the feeling of being trapped comes back. And it always comes back stronger.

If it has ALWAYS been this way, you’re probably not really in love with them.

You see, if you’re truly in love with someone, it would never feel like you’re trapped even if you’re bored or sad or exhausted. Being with them would always feel like home.

3) You feel like you’re just being nice to them—but that’s all

Do you feel like they’re cool but you’re not really that into them?

Like sure, you admire their career, you find them cute, you like it that they drive a nice car and have a nice house…

But no matter how hard you try, you CAN’T be sweet or passionate or very sexual towards them!

Well, there’s nothing much we can do here.

You can’t force the heart to want what it doesn’t want—even if the other person seems “perfect” on paper.

If this is the case, you’re probably better off as friends.

4) You don’t feel like what you have is special

Do you feel like you’re settling—that your love is just ordinary?

Or do you feel like they’re just your “temporary person” while you wait for the real thing?

If you answered yes to both, you’re definitely not in love.

You see, if you’re truly in love, you’d feel like your story is unique even if you met in the most ordinary way (say, on a dating app). You’d feel like your story is something made for the books.

So if you feel like this is not the love story you’ve always been waiting for, it’s time to pause and ask yourself why you’re staying.

It’s unfair for them (and for you!) if you stay longer.

The fact that YOU KNOW you’re settling will haunt you forever.

5) You feel depressed thinking about your future with them

You’re not excited about your future together because, well, you truly can’t imagine it. It’s just a big blank canvas.

You can’t imagine how you’ll raise kids. You can’t imagine if you’ll ever like taking care of them when they’re sick.

You’d rather not think about these things really because they make you sad!

A person in love would dream about a life together with their beloved—even if it’s the most impossible thing.

That’s because, as corny as it sounds, being in love makes us dream.

So if you can’t dream of a future with them, they’re probably not the one for you.

6) You don’t like being romantic with them

Have you always been the type of person who loves giving letters, flowers, and gifts, but you can’t bring yourself to give them any?

It might be a sign you’re not in love with them.

Your relationship feels more like a chore, or a practical thing you must do because having a partner is a “grown up” thing to do.

In fact, what you have feels like an arranged marriage!

But you hoped. You hoped love would blossom someday and they’ll become the person you’d like to be with til death do you part…but that didn’t happen.

7) You feel like you’re living a lie

You want an authentic life.

And this is probably the reason why you want to be with someone you genuinely love.

Because you have this craving for authenticity, you get depressed being around them because you start to become fake.

Does it feel fake to say “I love you”, to hold their hands in public, or to care for them?

Does it all feel like it’s all a show?

Then don’t try any harder. Stop right now. They’re probably not the one for you.

8) You feel very lonely even if they’re by your side

When you’re in love with someone, you get a dopamine rush and so it’s hard to feel lonely when you’re around them.

And even if the honeymoon phase is over—you don’t get so “high” being around them anymore— they’ll give you a certain kind of warmth and comfort that it’s still almost impossible for you to feel VERY lonely.

The fact that you’re lonely when you’re with them is an indicator that you’re not in love with them.

And the real kicker is when that loneliness evaporates when they’re not around.  It’s so easy to see why—they’re the reason for your loneliness!

9) You feel like you’re mean towards them

You’re nice towards others, but for some reason, you’re an assh*le or a b*itch towards them.

It’s sad because they’re supposed to be the most important person in your life.

While it’s true that we are generally more mean to the people we love, your meanness just cuts deep!

You get snappy and lash out at them not just because you’re in a bad mood…your mean behavior could mean you don’t like them as a person.

And because of this, you have pent up anger and resentment.

If this has been going on for a while, it’s time to make a change. Stop making your lives a living hell. They deserve respect. YOU deserve to be free.

10) You feel angry when you see happy couples

Is it painful for you to witness couples being cute?

Do you roll your eyes and think “Yeah right, you’re just pretending to be happy.”

Well, you won’t feel this way if you’re actually happy and in love with the person you’re with!

Trust me, I was this kind of person years ago when I was stuck in a loveless marriage.

It was so heart wrenching to witness happy couples everywhere while I don’t even like sitting next to my partner!

But now that I’m with someone I’m truly in love with, I’ve turned into a person who does romantic things with their partner even if there are people around!

11) You feel regretful

You look back and wonder “Why did I ever like them before?” And then you beat yourself up for being desperate and impulsive.

Or if you’ve just been dating, you start to think “Man, I should have just slept instead of spending hours being with someone I just find so-so.”

You’re not in love!

You see, if you’re truly in love with someone, you won’t feel any kind of regret even if your relationship has actually gone south.

You know why?

Because LOVE alone can make you feel it’s all worth it.

12) You sometimes cringe when you see them

If you’re to be honest, you really don’t like them that much. Sure, they’re not that bad but…you just don’t find them awesome.

You don’t like their smile sometimes, you don’t like how they think and how they do things.

You just find them annoying, if you’re to be honest.

This is the time you should ask yourself why you’re still with them.

Cringing is a sign of disgust and so why would you stay with someone that can make you feel this way?

13) You feel that the love of your life is still out there

You’re cuddling with them or laughing in bed with them, but deep in your heart you know that they’re not the one.

You find them fun and cute and sweet…but there’s just something missing.

I’m saying this based on experience.

When you’re truly in love with a person, you always think of them as “the one”—always. Love can indeed make us a bit delusional.

So if you don’t consider them as “the one” and you strongly feel your soulmate is still out there, then you’re not in love.

Last words

If you can relate to only a couple of these feelings, don’t break up too soon!

It’s worth discussing your specific issues with your partner, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable.

Then work on your issues because no relationship is easy, and sometimes love does really take time to grow in the way we want it to.

But if you scored 13/13, then you know what to do.

It might be difficult to break their heart—but what’s the point of staying?

You can always start again, this time with someone you truly love.

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Tina Fey

I'm Tina Fey, the founder of the blog Love Connection. I've extremely passionate about sharing relationship advice. I've studied psychology and have my Masters in marital, family, and relationship counseling. I hope with all my heart to help you improve your relationships, and I hope that even if one thing I write helps you, it means more to me than just about anything else in the world. Check out my blog Love Connection, and if you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Twitter

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