If you expect these 7 things in a partner, your standards are too high

It’s only natural to want the best for ourselves–something that very much extends to the people we let into our lives.  

But as you’ve undoubtedly heard before, the truth is that nobody is perfect.

If you’re constantly striving to find the perfect person to be with, for instance, this is a recipe for unfulfillment and discontent. 

In the dating world, true wisdom is accepting people for who they are, shortcomings and all, as long as they fulfill certain core traits (and there’s palpable chemistry.) 

In this article, I’ll run you through some traits people with unrealistically high standards expect in a partner. 

No need to lower the bar; readjust expectations instead.

Let’s dive in!  

1) You want perfection

Maybe you desire perfection. Maybe your parents indoctrinated you with phrases like “You should only settle for the best.” 

Maybe you have a list of ideal traits and won’t date unless the person ticks all the boxes–looks, intelligence, wealth, personality, saint-like kindness, and humility. 

Hence, you might stick to an unrealistic ideal (perhaps you even have a mental image of that person) and won’t budge until this fictional entity comes your way. 

This approach to romance is limiting. 

You have to come to terms with the fact that nobody is perfect, that everyone has their share of flaws. 

Remember the film, Shallow Hal? Well, the 2001 romcom details the life of Hal (Jack Black), a highly superficial, average-looking man who has exceptionally high standards for the women he dates. 

To make a long story short (spoiler alert!), Hal ends up with the kind-hearted Rosemary, who he believes to be beautiful and slender after his visual perception is altered by a self-help guru he met in an elevator.

But when he finds out the truth, that Rosemary is actually overweight and physically unattractive, he has already fallen for her inside and out—nothing else matters at that point. 

2) You expect them to have no past 

Here’s the thing: if you expect your partner to have a cookie-cutter, clean-as-a-whistle background, then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. 

Everyone has a history and newsflash… it’s not always great. 

Maybe they have had messy relationships or crazy exes, maybe they have an estranged kid, or maybe they don’t always get along with their family. 

Regardless, it’s crucial to understand and respect the fact that people (including potential partners) make mistakes and will continue to do so

This is one of those unwritten laws of the universe.  

As long as it’s evident that they are trying to make the best out of their circumstances, that’s ultimately what counts. 

3) You expect constant attention

Real talk: just because you’re together doesn’t mean you own your partner. 

They’re still their own autonomous person. Start respecting their individuality–this is what makes them unique and beautiful after all. 

If you want your partner to focus on you 24/7, then that’s not a sustainable way of going about things. 

Everyone needs time for themselves, their friends, or their hobbies and interests. 

If you have controlling tendencies, try to fix that, and seek professional help if necessary, 

because any partner of value will not put up with such an outlook for very long. 

4) You expect them to read your mind

Unless your partner is a veteran psychic by profession, don’t expect them to constantly know what you’re thinking or feeling at all times. 

It’s a cliche for a reason: communication is everything in a relationship. 

If you’re not regularly communicating with your partner and they don’t know what you’re feeling, then more than anything, that’s on you. 

So, if you want your relationship to last, start talking!

5) You expect them to always agree with you 

Once again, your partner is their own person

They might not agree with you on everything, and that’s okay. 

In my opinion, as long as certain fundamental values are aligned, everything else is trivial. 

If, however, you expect your partner to share the same opinions, interests, and thoughts as you with the same level of conviction, then get ready for disappointment. 

After all, you want a partner capable of thinking for themself, not a lapdog. 

6) You expect them to commit to you instantly 

The easiest way to scare off a partner, particularly a new one, is to expect too much, too fast

If you’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks, and you’re already verbally wanting them to commit to you long term (i.e. marriage and kids), then I’ll tell you, most level-headed people will take this as a cue to run. 

When I was active in the dating world, I met a girl whose company I really enjoyed. 

A handful of dates in, however, she started talking about sharing bank accounts, having kids, and labeling me her “life partner”, which made me feel uneasy. 

Something just seemed off; we were far too new of a relationship to be discussing such lofty topics. 

Although we didn’t last long, I still consider her a good person, and I wish her well. 

Hopefully, she waits a bit longer before proclaiming her prospective partner to be a mate for life. 

Though that sentiment is warranted in certain circumstances, as a general rule, it’s probably in your best interests to be patient before bringing up these talking points. 

7) You expect a full transformation

If you expect your partner to continually bend to your will, to change core aspects of themselves to please you or fit your ideal, then your standards are far too high

This attitude is also unfair and disrespectful to your partner and their status as a human being. 

In a partner, you want an equal, not a doormat. 

You should appreciate them for the little details, the intricacies of their personality, their ambitions, and values–these are the things that make them, not their willingness to conform to you. 

So start admiring their inner qualities and ignore everything else. 

Final thoughts

A common theme among all the above points is the desire to control. 

When one partner expects too much out of the other, they tend to want to strip away their individuality as people. 

In essence, that partner becomes more of an idea than an actual living, breathing person. 

So if this sounds like you, then first things first, learn to respect your partner as an equal

It is a union, after all–meaning, both participants are bringing something special to the table. 

When it becomes one-sided, when you expect too much of a partner, your standards aren’t just high, you’re not appreciating that person, and hence things tend to go south quickly. 

Quality partners won’t stand for it. 

While standards are important for lasting connections, so is flexibility, understanding, and mutual respect. You got this. 

Clifton Kopp

Welcome to my writings on Hack Spirit! I'm a bit of a "polymath" in that I like writing about many different things. Often I'm learning from the process of writing. I hope you enjoy, and please leave a comment on one of my articles.

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