Paul Brian
It’s hard to predict when you first meet anyone how you’ll feel once you spend more time around them.
But usually as you do spend more time around somebody, you get to know who they are on a deeper level.
This can be an exciting or boring process. It can be frightening, odd or seductive.
But with certain people, they don’t reveal much of who they are and it’s very hard to get to know them beyond the surface.
Let’s turn the mirror around the other direction:
What about you?
Are you fairly open and expressive? Do you make friends easily?
Are you one of those people who’s hard to get to know on a deeper level?
Let’s take a look…
1) You’re reserved
It’s hard to get to know you if you’re quite reserved.
Being reserved can be a very positive quality, but it means that folks who want to get to know you need to put in more time and energy.
When you’re reserved, you like to go about your personal and professional life in a more solitary way.
Your public ties tend to be more surface-level, and that means new friendships and relationships are fewer and further between.
2) You have difficulty expressing emotions
When you have difficulty expressing emotions (or just generally don’t like to do so) it can make it harder to get to know you on a deeper level.
It’s not just that you’re reserved in what you say and do, it’s that you’re reserved in displaying outer emotions.
People have difficulty knowing whether you’re happy or sad, excited or indifferent.
They try to get to know you but have trouble reading you.
This relates to the next point as well:
3) You can be cryptic
Being cryptic is more associated with computer encryption or cryptocurrency, but it’s certainly a personality trait as well.
It can be hard to get to know you deeply if you are a mysterious and cryptic person.
Examples include:
- Speaking in short Yoda-like sound bytes…
- Having highly unique and little-understood interests…
- Hiding or downplaying how you feel about things…
It’s hard for people to know how to connect when you seem a bit closed off or cryptic.
This relates to the next topic as well…
4) You’re into esoteric subjects
From the occult to alternative healing therapies or little-read philosophy, people may have trouble getting to know you if you’re quite esoteric.
Those who are into highly esoteric subjects and thinkers can sometimes also be seen as a bit standoffish or elitist.
This may not have any truth in your case, but the perception that somebody has that they don’t really understand what you’re into and aren’t sure how to connect with you on it can be powerful.
As a result they find you hard to get to know beyond the surface level.
5) You get lost in your own world
Another trait that makes it hard for people to get to know you is when you get lost in your own world.
Your rich imagination and passion for your interests and other projects doesn’t leave you so much attention or interest in social events or interactions.
As a result, folks may find it hard to really see the true you or feel included in your life at times.
6) You sometimes expect people to read your mind
I’ve certainly been guilty of this in the past and now recognize that it was one aspect of being an overthinker.
I was so lost in my own mind that I thought other people were, too.
I didn’t realize that people can only tell what you think or feel if you tell them, and that communication is a key part of maturity.
If you’re quite reserved but also expect people to be mind-readers, they’ll often end up having frustration about getting to know you or who you “really” are.
7) You’re creative and artistic but prefer to do projects on your own
Many well-known artists and creative folks have been known for being quite solitary.
The engine of deep creation is often a lot of time in solitude and alone.
But it does mean that other folks find it harder to get to know you or find out what makes you tick.
They may see you as a person who prefers to be left alone, or may also feel like they’re disturbing your creative process when they interact with you or invite you out to anything social or festive.
This ties into a related point:
8) You’re highly independent and self-sufficient
If you’re on the more self-sufficient side of the spectrum this can be a very immense gift!
But it can also make it harder for people to get to know you deeply.
When folks can clearly see that you don’t really need help, advice or close personal ties, they may feel they are upsetting the balance of nature or being needy by trying to get to know you.
Those who do make the effort will often get the impression that there’s a part of yourself that’s sectioned off from close personal ties and which you prefer to keep dedicated to your own work and private thoughts and feelings.
9) You are used to mainly short-term relationships and friendships
It does usually take time to get to know somebody.
If you’re accustomed to shorter-term relationships and friendships, then it’s hard for people to get to know you on a deeper level:
After all, they don’t have much time to do so!
Even if you’re not all that reserved, this trait of pursuing shorter-term connections can sometimes prevent openness to getting to know people on a deeper level or longer-term intimate ties.
This is just a matter on the more practical side. Every plant needs sun, water and time to grow.
10) You take time to trust other people
Another trait that can make it hard for folks to get to know you deeply is that you take quite a while to trust people.
This is a very useful trait in some situations, especially considering that not everyone is trustworthy or ideal to have in your life.
But for those who are reliable and purely intentioned, this can discourage them.
They may give up or even be hurt that you don’t seem to trust them.
11) You’re averse to group and team activities and find them exhausting and stressful
If you’re the type who tends to feel uncomfy in a group or team setting, it can be harder for people to get to know you deeply.
There are two main reasons for this:
- Support for teams and groups, as well as being in them is often the “intro” to getting to know someone better or just meeting them to start with;
- Being averse to groups can make you come across as more cryptic or anti-social in a way that many people aren’t sure how to get past.
There’s no requirement to love groups, but the strongest ties do often come out of group situations and civic ties that act as guidelines and a starting environment for deeper relationships.
This relates to the last point as well…
12) You’re not part of any one primary demographic or identity
It’s a lot harder to get to know you if you have a very complex identity.
It’s not just that it’s harder for you to feel at home in group situations where others might meet and befriend you…
It’s also that you yourself may be searching for and grappling with your identity and mission in life in a way that requires a lot of soul-searching and time alone.
As a result, those who want to get to know you may notice you’re kind of withdrawn and not that into connecting.
Getting to know you
Everybody takes some time to get to know and care for at a deeper level.
Everybody also has their own process of opening up to folks, making new friends and entering relationships.
If you’re harder to get to know at a deep level, don’t panic.
Ask yourself the two following questions and proceed accordingly:
- Do you want to form more deep relationships or think that not doing so is holding you back or leading to missed opportunities and meaningful connections in life?
- If not, don’t worry, you’re just a more introspective person who has a smaller circle of friends, there’s nothing wrong with that! If yes, think about one or two ways you can be more open socially and connect with others.
We all relate to people differently. Being hard to get to know isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a matter of you deciding what it means to you and what you’d like instead (if anything).
