When we first start dating someone, we put on a persona. We want to appear confident and secure in ourselves.
But the truth is, we all have some insecurities, some more than others.
As the relationship progresses, these insecurities start to arise.
But how can you tell the difference between a healthy level of insecurity and being plagued with self-doubt?
Well, read on to find out.
The following nine phrases are typical things people say when they’re deeply insecure in their relationship.
1) “Who are you speaking to?”
Insecure partners are typically jealous ones.
Because they are insecure about their looks, abilities, etc, they struggle to believe that you could be interested in them.
They often will feel like an imposter in the relationship, convinced that eventually, you’ll realize you’re too good for them and find someone better.
This fear shows up as extreme jealousy.
Their inner critic makes them believe you will find someone else, so they’re always on edge, looking for signs to back this up.
So, your insecure partner will see these trivial things as a threat:
- Texting someone
- Speaking to someone on the phone
- Chatting to a stranger on the bus
They will ask, “Who was that?” or “Who are you speaking to?”
Their anxiety will be even higher if they see you smiling while looking at your phone or laughing at the stranger’s joke.
Their mind will go straight to the worst-case scenario.
2) “Who else is going to be there?”
Here’s another common jealous phrase that stems from insecurity.
Let’s say you are going out to meet a friend.
If your partner is insecure, they might think you are lying. Alternatively, they may worry that someone else will be there who will steal them from you.
Their anxious thoughts are so strong that they cannot think rationally enough to understand that you’re just going for lunch with your friend.
So, like wanting to know who you are talking to all the time, they will constantly need reassurance on who you are spending time with.
Here’s another example…
If you go to a party or event, your insecure partner might want a list of all the people going so they can determine if there are any threats.
3) “Why do you take so long to respond to me?”
Another thing that can make an insecure partner anxious is taking too long to respond to their messages.
Many of us are guilty of seeing a message but replying hours later. Life is busy, and it’s easy to get caught up in something and forget to respond.
But when someone is insecure, they do not see it this way.
Research shows that people with low self-esteem may doubt the level of trust and love of their romantic partners.
That’s why most insecure people will jump to one of the following two conclusions:
- You’re cheating on them
- They did something wrong
As a result, they will start to panic, sending you many anxious messages or trying to call you.
When you finally get back to them, the first thing they’ll say is “Why did you take so long to respond to me?”
They might then ask the following question…
4) “Did I do something wrong?”
Because an insecure partner struggles to believe they are good enough for you, they see your relationship as ‘too good to be true.’
Because of this, they are constantly worrying that they will do something to mess it up.
If they notice you seem upset or angry, they will assume it is their fault, asking what they did wrong.
While a secure person can see the big picture of the situation (all the many things you could be upset or angry about), an insecure person cannot.
This is because people who struggle with anxiety tend to overthink things.
Research has proven this, as a 2021 study published in the Self and Identity Journal found close links between insecurity and repetitive thinking patterns.
Therefore, instead of thinking your lousy mood is down to a bad day at work, an insecure person’s mind goes into overdrive. They will go over all the little things they might have done earlier in the day to annoy or upset you.
5) “Do you still love me?”
Insecure people are always seeking reassurance from those around them.
So, if you’re in a relationship with someone with low self-esteem, they will regularly ask if you still love them.
Remember, insecure people struggle to see their strengths and positive qualities. So, they develop the belief that they are not good enough.
So even if you’ve told them you love them before, they will constantly worry that your feelings have changed.
Their insecurity around this will rise whenever you have a disagreement or argument.
They will not be able to put the conflict behind them until you verbally confirm that nothing has changed and you still love them.
6) “You could do much better than me”
This is a phrase someone will use when their insecurity is at an all-time low.
With my insecure ex-boyfriend, I noticed he would use this phrase whenever he had experienced a failure of some kind.
Perhaps your partner got fired, missed out on a promotion, or anything else that caused a hit to their already dented ego.
This ego-dent will then trigger a web of self-deprecating thoughts as they put themselves down for not being good enough.
Once they have succeeded at making themselves feel utterly useless, they will turn round to you and say, “You could do much better than me.”
Here’s a similar phrase insecure people say to their partners when they’re at their lowest…
7) “Why are you even with me?”
When an insecure person asks you this, they are seeking two things:
- Reassurance about the relationship
- An ego boost.
They want you to tell them good things about themselves to help them feel more worthy.
But they also want you to put their doubts and fears at ease and show that your relationship has stability and longevity.
While it can feel frustrating to keep having to reassure them, remember that they only ask this out of fear of losing you.
8) “I’m sorry if I’m not good enough for you”
This phrase shows their deep insecurities about not being good enough.
An insecure person will say this when they’ve made a mistake or if they feel like they’ve let you down.
It’s like them confirming to themself and you that they are useless.
It also shows their doubts about being able to make you happy.
When this happens, you might want to tell them to stop being stupid. But what they need at that moment is for you to highlight their strengths and tell them what you like about them.
It is also an opportunity for you to reflect.
Is this simply just about your partner lacking confidence? Or are you setting unrealistic expectations or asking too much from them?
9) “I’m sorry, please forgive me”
Insecure people apologize often, even for things that are not their fault.
According to licensed social worker Shahar Lawrence, over-apologizing is a sign of low self-esteem and insecurity.
They are also more focused on their perceived flaws than their strengths, meaning they are more likely to see themselves as the ones at fault in an argument.
Coupled with their fear of losing you, this is why an insecure partner is always quick to:
- Back down from an argument
- Ask for forgiveness
Remember that your partner’s insecurity is not a reflection on you. No matter how much love and care you show them, they can still become convinced that they’re not good enough for you.
So, how should you deal with an insecure partner?
While their comments and questions can be frustrating to deal with, what they need from you is reassurance. So, approach these conversations with compassion and empathy.
Doing so will encourage them to open up about their doubts and concerns, deepening your connection.
Of course, if their insecurity is severely affecting the relationship, encourage them to seek professional support.