Marcel Deer
You know not everyone gets trusted with secrets, right?
Gaining people’s confidence usually takes months or years of work, building up your relationship bit by bit until they feel like they can trust you with their deepest secrets.
At least, that’s true for most people.
However, there are people out there who others just seem to inherently trust and respect.
They become quick confidants even while lifelong friends are passed over as being a little too unreliable.
So what makes these people so worthy of our trust and our secrets?
And are you one of them?
If people frequently confide in you, you probably have these nine rare personality traits that make you a magnet for confessions, and you probably know the biggest and juiciest secrets around.
1) You’re fair
Very often, the reason someone wants to confide in you is that they have a situation and they don’t know what to do about it.
They need help measuring and balancing different factors, like what they did and didn’t do and what should happen in the future.
So they usually look for someone with that rarest of virtues – fairness.
If you’re fair, they know that you’re going to weigh things appropriately and not just automatically align yourself with one side or the other.
They know that if they ask you if you think they’ve done something wrong, you’ll give them a straight and balanced answer.
This is a lot more than they’re going to be able to ask for from most other people!
2) You’re equanimous
The dictionary defines equanimity as being calm, composed, and even-tempered, especially in difficult situations.
If you’re all of these things, you’re equanimous. It’s hard to make you angry or upset.
You’re imperturbable. It’s almost impossible to ruffle your feathers.
Why is this a trait that would make people confide in you?
Because they know you won’t freak out.
Some people have really vanilla secrets to share, like that they didn’t shower yesterday or they snuck an extra $20 claim into their tax return.
But other people have true whoppers that involve the craziest or darkest things you can imagine.
I’ll let you imagine them.
So the reason people go to you to spill their beans is that they’re pretty sure that no matter what they tell you, you’re going to keep cool.
Of course, this can put an unfair burden on you.
Being a confidant isn’t always a good thing as sometimes people will tell you about things they’ve done wrong, like crimes, and that puts you in a pretty sticky situation.
I’m just explaining why they come to you, and it’s partly because of your equanimity.
3) You’re trustworthy
Obviously, this is one of the most important and relevant personality traits people are going to look for in a person they can confide in.
Why would they go to you with the secrets they’ve dredged up from the very depths of their souls if they believed, even for a second, that you’d turn around and spread them all over?
How do they know they can trust you?
If you’ve known a person for a while, they’re going to know your track record. They’ll know that you don’t gossip or spread rumors around like so many other people do.
However, sometimes you might just give off the right vibe.
Even a person who hardly knows you can somehow see that you’re a straight-arrow and you’re not going to ever betray them.
That’s what makes true trustworthiness such an enviable and rare personality trait.
4) You’re mature
Kids tell each other secrets all the time, and the game is to see who will let the cat out of the bag first.
They’re generally terrible at keeping secrets because they’re too exciting.
It’s like the secret is a little bird flapping around inside of them, trying desperately to get out, and it’s all they can do to hold their mouth shut.
Adults, on the other hand, are much more practiced at keeping secrets.
Maybe that’s not a good thing.
But however you view it, it is a sign of maturity to be able to keep things to yourself when it’s really appropriate, no matter how much you want to spill your guts.
People who can tell you’re mature will be much more likely to come to you and share things they know you’ll be able to keep to yourself.
5) You’re intuitive
Some secrets are incredibly hard to share.
These can be some of the worst and darkest things in our experience. They can be things that we’ve done or things that have been done to us.
Sometimes, people desperately want to get something off their chest but need an awful lot of help to do it, and that’s where your intuition comes in.
Instead of sitting back and listening while they tell you all the details, they may actually want you to intuit a lot of what they’re telling you so you can help coax it out of them.
They may also hope you’ll intuit some things they can’t bring themselves to say at all.
These people are looking for the understanding only an intuitive person can give them.
6) You’re non-judgmental
“So you ended up kissing him even though your situationship with Craig is still ongoing? That’s a really terrible thing to do.”
Have you ever heard yourself passing this kind of judgment on a person who has decided to confide in you?
If not, that’s probably why they keep on coming.
Nine times out of ten, people confide in others not for advice or judgment but just to unburden themselves. They’re carrying around these heavy secrets, and they just need to release them before they go crazy.
They don’t typically want or need moral judgments; they really just need you to listen to them and care.
So if you can do that without judging them, people are going to confide in you frequently.
7) You’re a great listener
If you don’t listen to the secrets people are sharing with you, they’re going to feel like you really don’t care, and they’re wasting their time and yours by confiding in you.
But the opposite is also true.
If you have superior listening skills, they’re going to feel like they’re making a connection and really feel happy they came to you.
Active listening signs like making eye contact, nodding, asking appropriate questions, and paraphrasing what they say can let people know that you’re truly listening. This is going to make them feel heard and respected.
And so is keeping your phone in your pocket while you’re doing it!
8) You’re highly curious
I don’t know about you, but if I had something important and secret to tell someone, I’d actually tell someone I think would be somehow interested.
Funny, isn’t it?
Isn’t the whole idea of confiding a secret that it will remain a secret? So wouldn’t someone who’s highly interested in what they’re talking about be more inclined to carry it around in their mind and subsequently blab it to someone else later?
Maybe, but people still tend to do this anyway.
I guess they’re already aware that they’re placing a burden on you by asking you to keep a secret.
It would be an unfair double burden if the conversation were also a bore.
9) You’re patient
Patience is something most people look for in a good confidant, and there are a few reasons why.
First off, some people are pretty lousy at telling stories and explaining situations. These folks often annoy others with their long, rambling narratives that never seem to get to the point.
Well, when they have things they really have to get off their chests, these people are going to want to tell someone who doesn’t get exasperated and rush them along.
Second, a person’s story may have a lot of detail, and they want to be sure they give you everything in case they’re asking you for advice. They don’t want someone who’s going to have to go do something else halfway through the telling.
And finally, they might feel the need to come back to you again and again with the same kind of issue. Some people just seem to repeat the same mistakes, but they still need someone to talk to.
If you’re patient, they know you’ll be able to put up with hearing the same story multiple times.
The ideal confidant
If people frequently confide in you, you probably have at least some of these nine rare personality traits that we so seldom find in combination.
And if you have them all?
Well, you may end up having a few problems because you’ll end up with so many people wanting to share their secrets with you that you’ll probably start to get them all mixed up.
And yet, they’ll keep coming because finding a person you can safely confide in is as good as striking oil or a vein of gold.
