Tina Fey
Sometimes we hope for a great love affair, but it doesn’t end up that way.
All the ingredients are there. But you can’t shake the sneaky suspicion that his heart isn’t quite in it.
Here are the signs that you may be right…
1) He won’t make an effort
Sometimes whether you feel like he makes an effort all comes down to a gut feeling.
You can sense that he is being half-assed about things.
He just doesn’t seem to try.
It’s as though any attempt to impress you has pretty much stopped.
He may be unenthusiastic about meeting up. He offers no ideas on what to do or where to go.
You feel like you are putting way more energy into the relationship than he is.
2) He won’t talk about the future
Your conversations never stray past the here and now.
He doesn’t give any hints that he wants you around in the future.
He doesn’t suggest plans very far in advance.
He isn’t hypothetically talking about the things you could do next summer (or even next month!)
Ok, he may be taking each day at a time. But when we really like someone we can see them as part of our future.
3) He won’t stay the night
I was dating a guy once who I really liked.
Even though we always had a good time and got on well, I had a heart-sinking feeling it wasn’t going anywhere.
Sadly, it wasn’t my vivid imagination.
He was signaling to me through his actions. And one of those was the fact he never stayed the night.
We never even discussed it either. He would just automatically leave, even after we’d been intimate.
I asked a guy friend what he thought was going on, and he proceeded to break the bad news:
If he doesn’t want to stay the night, he’s not that invested.
4) He won’t confide in you
There are many ways we choose to invest in a relationship, or not.
Time, energy, intimacy.
If he doesn’t open up to you or show any vulnerability, then it seems he’s not emotionally investing.
Far from being the person he tells his secrets to, he doesn’t particularly tell you anything personal.
You don’t know much about his past. And anything he tells you about his present feels more like chit-chat.
All in all, he feels like a closed book. Things feel pretty shallow.
5) He won’t try to get to know you on a deeper level
The reason things feel shallow is because he’s not really trying to delve any deeper.
Sure, the early days of a relationship can often center around having fun. It keeps things light whilst you become better acquainted.
But at some point, there has to be more.
Real relationships involve getting real and asking those bigger questions.
Your likes and dislikes. How you feel about certain issues. What makes you tick.
This is how we show an interest in someone.
He should be curious about you. He should want to be peeling back those layers and get to know more.
So if he’s not, his heart may not be in it.
6) He won’t send you messages
A serious drop-off in communication usually spells trouble.
We’re not just talking about a slight delay in answering your text. It’s more than that.
You send the bulk of the messages. And you are driving most of your communication. He rarely instigates the chats you have.
Whilst he always replies (eventually), he doesn’t seem very chatty.
Perhaps he only gives you the bare minimum. He doesn’t seem to try to keep the conversation going.
He may make excuses for his lack of effort by saying he’s been really busy.
Too busy to spare 30 seconds to send you a message?!
7) He won’t make plans ahead of time
It all feels very last minute.
You have a bit of a “see you when I see you” arrangement.
And that doesn’t involve making plans in advance.
He is the King of “Hey, you busy?” messages.
Wanting to see you is usually fairly spontaneous and without notice.
If you try to lock him into something, he is hesitant to commit. He gives wishy-washy answers like:
“Yeah that should work, but I’m not sure yet” or “I don’t know my plans on Tuesday, I’ll get back to you”.
8) He won’t tell you how he feels
Understanding how he feels about you is impossible. It’s like getting blood out of a stone.
He isn’t big on compliments. And when it comes to his real feelings for you, well, he isn’t giving anything away.
He doesn’t need to have declared his undying love, but you should feel confident that he likes you and is into you.
If you don’t then it’s not a good sign!
9) He won’t meet your friends or family
Maybe you’ve made several attempts to get him to meet your besties, and he always has an excuse.
And you’ve been angling for an invite out with him and his pals for months.
Relationships follow a progressive timeline, and that’s admittedly different for every couple.
There aren’t any hard and fast rules about when it’s appropriate to introduce each other to your friends or meet the parents.
But these milestones are an important part of the progression of a relationship.
It’s symbolic that you are starting to fuse certain parts of your lives together.
10) He won’t be exclusive
We live in a world where relationships take many different forms these days.
Yet despite that, for many of us, labels still matter.
It gives us a sense of security to hear that someone wants to make it “official” and start calling us their girlfriend or boyfriend.
We know we’re on the same page and have the same expectations of one another.
If you are looking for exclusivity it can be incredibly frustrating.
He is still technically on the market otherwise. So you naturally wonder if he is still shopping around!
And it’s made even worse when he doesn’t seem to want to talk about your relationship.
11) He won’t talk about where things are going
Maybe he avoids this conversation altogether.
He hasn’t said what he’s looking for. And you are scared to ask.
Or perhaps he gives some vague brush-off about “just seeing where things go”.
Either way, you don’t even know what he is looking for, because he isn’t telling you.
12) He won’t compromise
If you’re honest with yourself, you only do what is convenient for him.
Your dates happen when it suits him. You do things he wants to do.
You drop other plans to accommodate him.
It’s as if your desires and preferences don’t factor into things at all.
It sounds like the balance of power is off.
You are having to bend over backward to make up for his short fallings.
If he really cared, it wouldn’t even feel like a compromise for him. He would want to make sure your needs were also getting met.
13) He won’t meet up on the weekends
Ok, if he works weekends or has some other perfectly legitimate excuse, then this one doesn’t count.
But here’s the thing:
Not all of our time is equal.
Much like TV schedules, there are prime slots and there are filler segments.
If you only see him during the filler times, it’s an indication that you don’t qualify for his most precious time.
For most of us, weekends are the best days of the week.
It’s when we have the freedom to do what we want, go where we want, and see who we want.
That’s why if you’re not the person he chooses to be with, it’s a sign he isn’t prioritizing you.
14) He won’t prioritize you
I don’t mean always. That’s unrealistic and even unhealthy.
We all have other important things in our life, whether it’s friends, family, careers, goals, and interests.
But you should feature close to the top of his priority list at least sometimes!
If you don’t, it suggests he doesn’t have the time or inclination to invest in your relationship.
15) He won’t engage in any PDA
It’s not that you have to be all over each other all the time.
But if there is absolutely zero affection when you’re out in public, it’s a little strange.
I’ll admit that I’m not the biggest fan of PDA. You won’t find me making out in bars.
But the odd kiss, an arm around you, or holding hands — these are all things that couples tend to do.
I don’t think his heart is in it, now what?
I’ve been where you are, and I know how much it sucks!
But sadly, ignoring it and hoping things will change only prolongs your torture.
That’s why it’s important to talk to him.
Find the courage to ask him the questions you want to know.
I get that it’s scary. But trust me, if he likes you you’re not going to “scare him off” by simply enquiring about how he feels and what he wants.
And if it does, then that is your answer.
His heart was clearly not in it and you are better off knowing now rather than later down the line.
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