There are some core telltale signs that people aren’t supposed to be together.
One way to tell if you’re incompatible with someone is if you fundamentally think and feel different ways about things.
There are a series of questions that can highlight if two people really are incompatible.
Here are some of the biggest questions that point to two people not being the best fit.
1) How do you want to live?
Let’s start with one of the most significant questions you could ask someone:
How do you want to live your life?
You see, there are so many different ways that we can design our lives…
…And it all comes down to values.
While one person might value routine, another might value constant change and spontaneity.
This is what happened to me.
I was in a relationship for 18 months that ultimately didn’t work because he wanted to be grounded in one place – with a sense of stability – while I wanted to lean into the unknown and to roam the world freely.
He wanted to be able to see his friends each week, to play sports with a team each week and to have a sense of community in the place he lived…
…However, I wanted to feel stimulation from seeing new places and meeting new people, and to find a sense of community in different places worldwide.
Truth is, we tried to find compromise and to see how we could make the relationship work with our different desires, but the distance between what we truly wanted was too great.
Simply put, one of us would be compromising far more than we wanted to be.
Now, it took being incredibly honest with ourselves to get to the point where we realized that we wanted different things and to see this was the reason we were in such constant conflict.
I spent a lot of time reflecting before breaking up with him:
During this time I came to see that in a world of billions, there will be someone else who ultimately wants to live in a similar way and that won’t take convincing.
What does this mean for you?
If the person you’re with wants to live their life differently and you don’t want to compromise, know that there will be someone else much more similar and compatible out there.
2) Do you usually follow your heart or your head?
I’ve just spoken about the need to share similar values with someone to have true compatibility.
Although you don’t need to be identical to someone to be in a successful relationship, you do at least need to be on the same page and driven by the same values.
Here’s the thing:
You need to agree on what’s important and to see the world through a similar lens.
Whether you follow your heart or your head is one of these values.
You see, being led by your heart means that you make decisions from a place of feeling into things, while being led by your head suggests that you’re driven by logic and what the mind thinks.
Now, of course there is yin and yang, and two different energies can be very complementary.
But ultimately you should be a whole person yourself when getting into a relationship, and not looking for someone else to ‘fill the gaps’.
In my experience, when two people experience the world in a completely different way, it’s a struggle to make a relationship work.
For instance, if one person is much more about going with the flow and letting life unravel in a way that feels authentic, while the other person is driven by schedules and planning, it might not be the best fit.
You see, it can be hard for either person to actually understand how the other person sees the world and it can become a big source of confusion and conflict.
This leads to my next point…
3) What are your beliefs about religion and spirituality?
There’s a thread with compatibility between people:
While two people don’t need to be the same person, their values need to be aligned and they need to be on the same page.
Now, religion and spirituality are categories that matter when it comes to alignment.
So one person is an atheist and the other devotes their life to God? Yep, it’s fair to say these two are not a very compatible duo.
Here’s the thing:
Maybe initially two people might overlook two drastically different perspectives on religion and think it’s something they can get past…
…But ultimately having two vast opinions on our existence and what matters is going to be a source of conflict.
You see, it’s in our human nature to try and convince others of our perspectives and it happens a lot with religion and spirituality.
In my experience, I thought I could get past the fact that my then-partner thought I was a bit woo-woo and would say things like “why do you care about what you can’t see?”…
…I thought it was helpful to have his more rational perspective on our existence and to challenge my spiritual ideas, but it actually became incredibly draining trying to explain how I see the world and what matters to me.
He thought he was right, while I thought I was right.
Even though we would agree to disagree, I felt upset that he didn’t value my metaphysical beliefs and couldn’t see the world in the same way as me.
Now, over time I came to realize that this wasn’t going to change and that we were fundamentally incompatible.
Again, this comes back to my earlier point that there are so many people in the world, and there are people that will think of our existence like you and not want to convince you to believe their religious or spiritual ideas.
4) What are your future goals?
This question is similar to ‘how do you want to live?’…
It’s getting to the core of what a person wants and hopes for their lives.
When you ask someone what their future goals are, it illuminates what really drives their existence and where they place values.
It allows you to see what they’re aiming to achieve in life – both in the short- and long-term.
You see, asking someone what their future goals are goes hand-in-hand with follow up questions like:
- Do you want to raise a family?
- Do you want to leave a legacy with a business?
- Do you want to dedicate your life to charity work?
- Do you want to learn about cultures?
- Do you want to travel?
What’s more, in my experience you should take what someone is saying as their truth and not try to convince them of something else!
Simply put, I tried to convince my ex to want to live nomadically and travel with me… and I kept asking him to reconsider his ideas.
But he had told me numerous times that he wanted to settle somewhere.
Now, I wasted a lot of time trying to get him on board with the idea, when we should’ve admitted we were fundamentally incompatible before we did.
What does this mean for you?
If, for example, one person doesn’t want to raise a family in the near future but you do, be honest about how compatible you are and what you really want from life…
…What’s more, you don’t want to force someone into something they don’t actually want.
Chances are, there’s someone who will want the same things as you, at the same time, and be much more in sync with you!
5) What do you think about money?
Money can be a big source of conflict within relationships.
Of course, it’s natural for two people to earn different amounts depending on the industries they’re in and what sort of roles…
…Not to mention the long history of inequality with women’s earning capacities.
But the relationship around money can either be in or out of sync between two people.
For instance, one person might hold earning a lot of money as a core value and is focused on earning six figures, while the other person says things like “I don’t mind being poor”.
Now, where this is the case it can be a source of clashing ideals that points to incompatibility.
You see, there will be different factors that drive why someone wants to earn money, such as being able to have certain experiences and being able to have freedom.
Truth is, if one person is able to earn a lot of money, they’ll likely be able to do all of the things they want to do, including travel the world if that’s their goal.
Meanwhile, the person who doesn’t mind being poor probably won’t be able to have the same experiences.
Do you see the difference?
If one person doesn’t value earning money then they’ll be setting themselves up to have different experiences to the person who does care about having a higher income, and ultimately this will cause an incompatibility.
Now, with all that I’ve said, there are conversations that can take place to try and get on the same page…
…But I fundamentally believe that you shouldn’t try to force something on another person if they don’t want the same things as you.
Remember that there are a lot of people out there, including those who won’t take convincing!