Amy Reed
Two summers ago, I was in a relationship that spanned seven long years.
We had a house together. We had a mortgage together. We even had a cat together.
We had a whole future planned out, too.
But the thing is, neither of us were happy.
I went back and forth in my head about ending things, wondering if I deserved better, but not wanting to risk it and be on my own again.
He did me a favor (no sarcasm!) and ended things out of the blue one day.
Iโll be honest, I crumbled.
But then I discovered some pretty shocking things about myself and my past โ things Iโll never forget that have shaped the person I am today!
Hereโs my story of how ending a dead-end relationship changed my life forever.
Hereโs everything I learnedโฆ
Heartbreak is one of the most painful things youโll ever experience
First things first, letโs not underestimate the pain of heartbreak โ especially as an adult when you think youโve found the person youโre going to spend forever with.
Psychologist, Guy Winch, often talks about how the emotional pain of heartbreak activates the same response in the brain as physical pain.
Which means heartbreak is just as painful as someone punching you in the nose over and over โ if not worse!
So all in all, heartbreak totally sucks.
I know firsthand just how much it sucks. When it happened, I wanted to hide away in bed. I wanted to cry all the time.
When I thought about the future, I felt sick.
But the first thing I learned wasโฆ
Being single is often viewed as a bad and lonely thing, but thereโs so much beauty in it
As a woman in my late twenties, I frowned upon others my age and older who were โstillโ single.
I thought they didnโt have their lives figured out yet. I thought they werenโt as far along as I was in life. I even thought there might be something wrong with them!
Basically, I thought being on your own was the worst thing in the world.
Why? Because I loved being in a relationship!
Who doesnโt want someone to come home to every day? Someone to tell you they love you all the time? Someone to be your go-to, no matter what?
I was also scared of being on my own – a truth I didnโt realize until it ended.
I can see now how foolish my beliefs were. When I became single again, I had a whole new respect for my single friends.
They did everything by themselves. They made all decisions by themselves.
They created a life for themselves every day, and it was totally their own.
Even though they cared for other people, they looked after themselves, first and foremost. They were selfish sometimes, but they were allowed to be!
It led them to become the person they truly wanted to be.
They were alone. But they werenโt lonely.
Iโm sure Iโm not the only one who thinks badly about singlehood when youโre in a committed, long-term relationship, especially if itโs your first one.
The thing isโฆ
Singlehood opens up your whole world, no matter your age
I know I was only in my twenties, but I thought my life was set in stone.
I was going to move to a bigger house with him one day, start a family, cut down on work, and grow old with this person by my side.
I felt like my days of trying new things, coming up with new ideas, and reinventing myself were behind me. After all, why did I need to change?
He liked me, I liked me, and we liked our life together (at least, so I thought).
When that relationship ended, my whole world came crumbling down. Everything was lost โ not just this person, but the entire future I had planned in my head.
It took a while to see past that loss. But when I did, I realized that my world didnโt end.
It opened up.
Suddenly I could do anything, go anywhere, and be anyone I liked.
I didnโt have to live in that town. I didnโt have to start a family one day. I didnโt have to get married. Hell, I didnโt even have to live in a house!
My future was my own to recreate. It didnโt matter what my age was, I felt young again. I felt like anything in the world was in reach again.
And I realizedโฆ
Itโs better to be single and happy than in a relationship and unhappy
Itโs clichรฉ, right? But itโs true!
I only realized just how true it was when I became single again.
Remember when I said being single is sometimes viewed as a bad thing?
When youโve been in a relationship for a long time, it really can feel that way.
It can feel like relationships are the be-all and end-all of life. It especially feels this way if you were never happy being single before.
But honestly, being single was the best time of my life. Iโm not saying that because I did anything crazy, either!
It was because I found happiness again being on my own โ true happiness, too.
A happiness I (very quickly) realized I never had in my relationship.
It pains me to admit it, but neither of us were really living back then. It took breaking up for us to see that and for our lives to restartโฆ
Feeling alone is a scary but powerful emotion
Iโm going to tell you the truth here: when you break up with someone, you feel desperately alone – and itโs terrifying!
Of course, youโre not alone. You probably have loads of people in your life who care about you.
You might not be ready to hear this yet, but youโll have loads of people in your future who will definitely care about you, too!
But still, when the break up happens, even if you initiate it, youโll feel so, so alone.
Youโll feel it on the first night without them. Youโll feel it the first weekend without them. Youโll feel it on your first birthday, family dinner, holiday, etc. with them not by your side.
Youโll keep feeling it all the time, too. Like when you get sick. Or when you have no weekend plans. Or when yet another failed date happens or a situationship endsโฆ
But feeling alone is a powerful emotion. It makes you realizeโฆ
You really can get through anything on your own, and come out better for it on the other side
When the loneliness strikes, you either sink or swim.
You can either sit at home and wallow in self-pity, begging them to take you back (no judgment, Iโve been there!).
Or you can tell yourself that you can get through this, get outside, and keep pushing on (and then come home and wallow in self-pity!).
What did I do? I did the latter โ and in honesty, I thrived!
I came out of a shell I never knew I was living in. I started listening to Audiobooks. I started running.
I started seeing my dad more often and calling my brothers once a week. I looked up fun things to do online and booked dates to do them with my friends.
I even went to some things alone.
I discovered powerful quotes, videos, and stories online that stuck with me.
I sold my house. I moved back home. I went on a solo holiday (highly recommended!). I bought a new place to live โ somewhere I could entirely call my own.
I made new friends and I cut out old, toxic friends. I reached out to even older friends and rekindled, whatโs now, fantastic friendships with them.
I found new hobbies and had new conversations with strangers.
I started dating and discovered what I really wanted in a relationship in the future.
I stopped dating and chose to be single for a while.
I discovered things about my past and my relationship that were glaringly obvious, but I could never see back then.
Most importantly, I got through the heartbreak and the trauma.
I healed.
And I came out on the other side confident, completely transformed, and genuinely happy!
Final thoughts
Iโm not going to sugarcoat it, my breakup was the worst thing to happen to me in my twenties.
But it really was the best thing, too โ for reasons I never expected!
If you had told me two summers ago that my life would end up the way it is now, I wouldnโt have believed it.
Hell, I wouldnโt have even wanted it!
I wanted things to stay the way things were, even though I wasnโt happy. I wanted to wait for things to get better. I wanted to stay in that relationship. I wanted him.
But now, I couldnโt feel more different!
I know how much more Iโm capable of. I know what I deserve. I know what I want.
I donโt feel like Iโm too old or too late to start again โ and Iโll never feel that way, no matter what the future holds for me.
I also met my soulmate totally unexpectedly โ a person I never knew I could live life so happily with!
A life I never wouldโve had if he hadnโt had the strength to end it.
My only regret?
I wish Iโd taken the leap to end that relationship myself first, rather than waiting so long for him to do it for usโฆ
